Munich, a city famous for everything from banks (really?) to beers (Oktoberfest!) was where our teams ended up after last week’s great gnome fiasco (at least Jeremy didn’t make out with the gnome even though he looked like he wanted to in the previouslies). Now gnomeless, the teams set off ready to leave Munich and head to Italy, land of great art, great food and most of all girls. No prizes for guessing which team fixated on the girls rather than the art or food.
Eric and Jeremy thrilled that they were going to a place where their brand of overbearing machismo would be welcome, reflected over their excellent racing and why they were doing so well. “We don’t overanalyse,” they told us and proudly owned up to the fact that their dumbness was one of their greatest attributes. I’d give them points for honesty but I’m afraid they’d start ickily flirting with me, so I won’t.
BJ and Tyler obnoxiously read that they’d go to Italy and obnoxiously ran down the road. When Lake read the clue and started to obnoxiously dance, Michelle told him to stop it. Oh, Michelle. If only there was a straggly-haired, flower child version of yours to join the Hippies and tell them to zip it.
But Lake did not appreciate his wife’s calming (read de-assholing) influence on him and decided to read us her report card. “She’s doing better but she’s still making a lot of mistakes,” Lake told us as he channeled a PTA meeting, “But I’m still the leader.” Yeah, you keep on thinking that, Lakey boy, but I saw you really did stop dancing around like a fool when Michelle told you to. So have a lollipop and shut up.
At the airport, the Hippies and the Wankers raced around in wheelchairs, pretending to be physically disabled instead of the mentally disabled twits they really are. Michelle, who is rapidly gaining ground in the metaphorical wheelchair race for my favourite contestant, called them dumbasses as she went straight past them to the computers to book a good flight.
Dude, chicks are going to be all over me after I win the special OlympicsBut alas! Michelle didn’t read German and the Hippies did, so when they showed up there a short while later, they were able to get the last seats on an early flight. Nooo! Babelfish, Michelle, Babelfish! Lake ranted and cursed over Michelle’s failure until she snapped that he couldn’t speak German either and that shut him up. Course not. The only German thing about Lake is that he’s a dummkopf.
David and Lori started off their race talking about how in love they were and how this race had showed them how damn perfectly they work together. Yep, looks about time that they have a meltdown. Can’t tempt Fate/the editors with statements like that, Nerds.
Monica interviewed how she wanted to prove she wasn’t a dumb blonde, just as she mangled the pronunciation of the word Palermo. Of course, Joseph later pronounced it as Palomino, which she corrected, so I’m going to assume he’s the dumb blonde on the team. Even though he’s not blonde. It’s a spiritual blondeness.
The DDs said that they hoped their “slow and steady” way of running the race. If they went any slower and steadier, they’d be a glacier.
Fran and Barry wanted to correct their past mistakes. Yeah, we’ll see how that goes a little later. At the airport, they got off to a good start by getting an earlier connection to Italy than a hovering and nosy Lake and Michelle. “Begone, spawn of darkness!” Fran told Lake, although maybe not in those exact words.
A peeved Lake stalked away and muttered something about how she was a doctor’s wife and doctor’s wives shouldn’t be so uppity. Projecting, Lake? Oh wait, that’s right, you’re a dentist, the poor, sadistic bastard brother to a doctor. Sorry.
So Lake and Michelle unknowingly got screwed over by their connecting flights and had to watch a whole bunch of other summabitch teams fly away a half hour before them to Italy. This is very much the Lake karma episode, so I hope you enjoyed, fellow Lake-haters.
The Hippies reached Palermo first and stepped out wearing Bowling Mom T-shirts. OK, hee. You win this round, Hippies, but only because I’m a sucker for racer shout-outs. The first clue in Palermo led to a Detour which had the teams choose between another luck-based task searching through a whole bunch of laundry lines for an item of clothing with a tag inside, and carrying a big bell to a church.
The Hippies chose the laundry and obnoxiously (do I even need to add that or is it already assumed that everything they do is obnoxious?) looked through the clothes as bemused Italians looked on, stone-faced. Whoa, tough crowd.
The Hippies found their tag and took it to the little, Italian laundry woman with a sombre “Here is your laundry” that was actually quite funny. Urge to like Hippies! Must resist! But then they ran out onto the streets screaming like monkeys, and were so freakin’ on as usual. Urge to like Hippies passed. Resisted.
Eric and Jeremy were next at the laundry line and noted that most of the clothes appeared to be Phil special sweaters. Dear lord, that’s where he gets them from? Maybe next week’s destination can be Milan and Phil can get some proper shirts after Eric and Jeremy burn these ones. The Wankers were sure to snag some ladies’ thongs before they left.
Meanwhile, the Double Ds were having some trouble driving around Italy because (say it with me now) they couldn’t drive stick shift. Nine seasons of this, people, and there are still idiotas who don’t bother to learn this essential skill. The good news is that they were the only ones who couldn’t drive manual so they were without anyone to glom onto and follow.
Fran and Barry were also in a spot of trouble and just couldn’t find the cluebox. Why? Come on, guess. Yes, it was another case of cluebox blindness. So much for correcting your past mistakes, Stevie Wonder and Helen Keller.
Lake and Michelle were also firmly at the back of the pack and almost went to the wrong laundry line until Michelle figured out it was not part of the task. Trust Lake to almost rob some unsuspecting Italian of their laundry. Of course, Michelle would probably make him give it back but you know he would return it without washing and it’d be all gross.
"Sophia! There's a strange Americano man going through our laundry! Call the police!"Fran and Barry finally managed to locate the cluebox and it was off to the laundry task, where they hoped their age would be of benefit. “I wonder if these young teams even know what a clothes pin is?” Fran asked. We haven’t replaced everything with superintelligent computers quite yet, grandma. Us young ‘uns still do laundry, in between all our sms-ing, myspacing and running around on old people’s yards.
The Hippies were so far ahead that they had already gotten to the Roadblock located in some lovely ancient ruins (and no, I’m not talking about Fran and Barry). The task was to build a statue of a man. The catch was that there were too extra pieces.
Initially I thought the statue was completely naked and clutched my pearls in horror at the sculpted nakedness that any young children watching would be exposed to (where are you, Blur of Amazing Decency?). Then I saw there was a strategically placed fig leaf and cursed the producers’ names for not having enough balls (hee hee, I crack myself up) to show even an artistic depiction of nudity.
The Hippies put it together fine and ran off to meet Phil at the mat. Phil informed them they had won…”a pizza pie?” said one of the Hippies, slappably. No, some crappy digital imaging prize with like a camera and batteries. The Hippies of course made a spectacle of themselves celebrating this grand prize. It’s a freakin’ camera for crap’s sake, not an Orgasmotron. Simmer down.
"Oh Phil, a camera? That's such a big commitment. You shoundn't have."Eric and Jeremy arrived next at the statues. Because, even more than their constant girl talk, the Wankers have never met a gay comment they didn’t like, they started talking about how ripped the statue was and how they should get naked. I wouldn’t do that if I were you, boys. I’m not sure the statue’s totally anatomically correct under that leaf. Plus I’m not sure how the DDs would react if they stumbled upon you dry humping a statue.
Insert hilariously witty innuendoes about penises here.Not that the DDs were in danger of catching up to the Wankers. They were trailing along with Lake and Michelle, the Nerds and Ray and Yolanda who had gotten lost on the way. The Nerds got to the Teatro fine but found themselves in trouble when Lori just couldn’t understand that the two extra pieces weren’t meant to go on the statue. Oh no! Their computer-like Nerd logic is turning against them.
You see, nerd brains are not like normal brains. They are built entirely on logic, so one can easily confuse a nerd by claiming two opposite statements that defy logic. The concept of something extraneous to a whole system is unthinkable to these nerds therefore Lori was always going to have trouble understanding that the extra pieces were just there for no reason.
The hip bone's connected to the thigh bone, the thigh bone's connected to the arm bone...no, that's not right.Cue the screaming and the distinct lack of Nerd kissing. Whoops, shouldn’t have made that comment about how perfect you guys were together, should ya?
Realising they were in real danger of elimination, Lake and Michelle decided they were going to have to use the Yield. Smart move. The Double Ds were the unlucky recipients and reacted to it as if Lake had stabbed them in the backs upon the steps of the Roman senate. The streaky one – I think it was Danielle – wept for all the pain this betrayal had caused her. Calm down, streaky one. It’s a game. It’s not like Lake kidnapped your firstborn performed dental surgery on it.
Oh yeah, and just to make themselves feel better about their utter loserliness (they called it luck, but the luck they’ve had has been good enough to save them from some deserved eliminations), they claimed that the only reason they’d been yielded was because they were a threat. To what, Lake’s position as person I want to slap most in this race? Yes, I’m sure Lake was just quivering at the thought of your extended record of second last places.
But the DDs are nothing if not lucky, no matter what they claim, and they managed to make it out of the Yield even before Ray and Yolanda got to the Teatro. But just when it looked like the DDs might once again wiggle their way out of an elimination, Dani got a bit stuck on her statue, allowing Lori to finally gets hers together and Ray to speed through his. A simple turn of the thigh was all Dani needed to do (wow, that sounds dirty. Hope Eric and Jeremy didn’t hear that) but it was too late.
The DDs arrived at the Pit Stop aware of their fate. Great way to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory, ladies. Phil tried to comfort them by saying although they may have sucked in every aspect of racing, they were the team to have formed the greatest love connection ever on the race. Phil, The Bachelor already has a host. Stop trying to audition for the job.
The DDs left us with some words on how they had learned so much about themselves on this race. Mainly about how much they want to get in Eric and Jeremy’s pants.
Next week: Monica throws a tantrum about a fish and Joseph must resist the urge to slap her with one.