I am heartbroken. My one true Muse, Bobby Jon, is no longer with us. He has moved on, only to return for the Jury. He fought hard to win. He mostly fought using his head, and he mostly fought against things like rocks, and trees, and the floor, not to mention the wildlife, like crocodiles, and Jamie, but he never gave up. I’ll bet that he went straight back to his hotel room, had a good night’s sleep, and then got up, hacked up some wooden chairs, started a fire, and boiled up some water from the pool. That’s our Bobby Jon: never knows when to stop.
Because Whining About it Makes You Classier
I for one was not surprised by Jamie’s behaviour after last week’s tribal council. Jamie came back to camp and acted as though his feelings were hurt. This is not true. Jamie was, in fact, sulking, because Bobby Jon used words
he didn’t understand.
No wonder Jamie is constantly paranoid around camp: he has no idea what anyone is talking about.
“Huh? I-moo-ner-dee eye-doll?” At the Reward Challenge, Jamie made the magnanimous gesture of a life time, sacrificing (
gasp!) a hamburger, for his a chance to recover his lost pride. That should tell you something about Jamie’s pride: it’s worth roughly a hamburger (and this one didn’t even have
fries).
Not for one second did I think that this was a ploy to get back on everyone’s good side.
The Reward Challenge itself was a bit silly. The Survivors had to use one of those
‘cultural implements’ which I’m sure isn’t a cultural implement at all, but rather a local joke that makes the natives laugh at the tourists. Such examples around the world are chopsticks, clogs, leopard-print
anything, and cowboy boots.
Judd ended up winning, and, by default, everyone ended up losing.
“I love you like a fat kid loves cake.”
These were the heartfelt words spoken by Judd, last night, to a piece of cake.
A little bit later, in a drunken stupor, he said the exact same thing to Bobby Jon, proving that alcohol makes you see baked goods everywhere. Later, before he decorated the shelter in shades of Lobster and Vodka, he tried to move a log towards the fire, not for keeping the fire going, but rather because he thought that it was a large sausage and it would taste better roasted. Drunk Bobby Jon was funny too.
Judd was in rare form last night. Rare, medium, well done, he was in all kinds of form. The way he handled his clue for the Immunity Idol was priceless, and I couldn’t have scripted it better myself.
Ah, who am I kidding? Of course I could:
Steph: what do you have there Judd?Judd: …piece of paper… words on it…Steph: want me to read it to you?Judd: It’s a story?? After Steph figured out that the Immunity Idol was probably hidden somewhere in a tree, Judd stepped back into his secret identity, Double Oh D’Oh, and decided to try to outwit the rest of the tribe:
Judd: I know, since the Idol is in a tree, I’ll tell them… that it’s NOT in a tree!Steph: Yeah, perhaps let’s not reveal too much?Judd: Oh, yeah. Ok, I’ll tell them… it’s a magic idol and you have to say abracadabra to find it!Steph: I think they might not believe you.Judd: Wait, so it’s not magic?Steph: I was worried about you finding that Idol. I don’t think I’m so worried anymore… In the end, he told them that, while he couldn’t reveal too much information, the Idol was definitely on the floor somewhere.
“Floor. F-l-o-o-r. Spells Tree. I mean Floor! Floor!” The fact that this almost worked should have the rest of
Vakuum worried, just a little bit.
Fortunately for them, Gary is a rather astute observer, and after his little football analogy, well, we couldn’t have him
not find it, could we? Just like we couldn’t have Jamie
not win Immunity after he was shown to be in very real danger. Damn you, Survivor Gods! Thwarted by the
Deux Ex Survivori yet again.
Gary noticed Judd with his head in the air, looking up. This, in and of itself, would normally not be something to marvel at. After all, Judd’s head must certainly have a peculiar kind of buoyancy, due to the contents inside his head being less dense than air. Nevertheless, Gary spotted him, and quite deservingly found himself an Immunity Idol. It’s probably for the best, too, because if Judd had found the Idol himself, his attempts to hide it would just be too painful to consider.
I Feel Like I’m Being Watched
Jamie felt very nervous after his antics at the previous tribal council. He was probably not too concerned after finding Bobby Jon’s
Jamie-Voodoo-doll, and was perhaps only a bit perturbed when Rafe kept referring to him as
Disgustatron. However, the thing that gave it away the most was watching Steph’s eyebrows visibly trying to retreat whenever he was around her. That’s a telling sign.
He then tried to get on everyone’s good side. He tried whining like a stuck pig. When this failed, he tried acting like a paranoid, detached, homicidal freak. Surprisingly, this did not endear him any more to the tribe. His final move – ranting about Gary’s decision to vote him off - failed as well.
Let’s talk about that decision of Gary’s for a moment. Did anyone else hear Gary proclaim his allegiance to Jamie? I know I did. Jamie, on the other hand, gets confused with polysyllabic words, and so his confusion can be understood.
I think that’s why Jamie and Bobby Jon rankled each other so much. They spoke to each other in a language they could each understand: grunts and thumping.
In the end, it took beating Rafe-the-Valiantly-Dunked for Jamie to secure himself another three days on the Island. And by island, I mean the big island that is the South American continent, because Guatemala isn’t an island.
As soon as Jamie was safe, he reverted back to asshole mode, plotting to vote Gary out, despite his earlier Aristotle-esque philosophising (“
Why? Dear God why would he do this to me?!?!”). After Jamie mentioned that everything was going perfectly their way, Steph said that it felt a little
“too good”. By that, she meant that the plan had a little too much Jamie in it for her liking.
Ah well, Steph, quit yer yapping. You brought the untrained dog into the house, now you have to live with the stench.
Tribal Council was fantastically cruel. My heart warmed as Gary drew out the Immunity Idol that he found, and then my heart sank as the next inevitable target was revealed: Bobby Jon. Our very own Sisyphus went down in flames, only to have his flame doused.
This week, the winner of the
Shallow End of the Gene Pool Award is Jamie, of course. He doesn't deserve another picture.
This week’s winner of the
Let This Person Breed More Award is Bobby Jon. It’s about time he won one of these. I don’t’ see him winning much else in the near future.
Let’s hear it, one more time, for Bobby Jon:
“Aaaargh! Wooooo!” *sniffle*