Episode 1 Survivor is truly upon us. It is all around us. And, if you happen to be Judd, it's also way up in your underwear and in your nose.
I sat and watched, along with millions of Survivor fans, the contestants of Survivor XI struggle, battle, vomit and whine their way through the jungle. As I witnessed their plight, my heart went out to them and I thought:
"Meh, Buncha babies." The Beginning Stuff Guatemala: what a dump; stupid old buildings lying everywhere. The ancient Mayans are extinct because they can't clean up after themselves.
Anyway, there was Jeff, saying his usual stuff. I can quote it off by heart now. No, really, here it is (I may have missed a few words here and there, but I think I'm a big enough survivor fan to at least know what Jeff says):
"In a remote spot in Ancient Guatemalie, 18 innocent victims will lay down their lives for one million Zimbabwean Dollars. They will have to eat stuff, and maybe drink some stuff too. And, like, climb things. Also, vote.18 enchiladas, 39 tortillas, one Sole Burrito." Jeff led the team in with a slight nod, smile and wink. Where had they been walking from, I wonder? The hotel? Are the survivor producers too cheap to even give them a ride to the location? That first challenge wasn't tough because of cruelty, it was tough because of
fiscal responsibility, folks. I think maybe Mickey B has spent too much time with 'Magic Hair' Trump for my liking.
The survivors (can we call them that? They haven't survived anything yet. Perhaps we should call them the
'Potentially Dead') all lined up in front of
Jeff The Mighty, Smiter of Many, Slave of None, Eater of Some Things, But Not Other Things. He glanced over them, showing his disdain. How one earth could this bunch of misfits match up to the silliness of last season's contestants? Jeff did not want to idly stand by, even if this meant a split infinitive. He gave unto them of his greatest Tools Of Ridiculosity: Steph and Bobby Jon.
And it was good. Except for head. Head bad.
Bobby Jon and Steph were introduced as tools for the tribes, and each tribe delighted in what they had been given. Steph joined tribe
'Superfluous-X', a traditional South American name, and Bobby Jon joined team
Knucklehead. Just about everyone was glad to see them. Who wouldn't be? They're only the two losingest survivors ever.
"What's that? You've never won a single challenge in your life? You tried to shove how many baloots down your throat? You had an alliance with
whom? Suuure! Get on my team!"
A Walk in the Woods Jeff set them about their first task: go fetch your food, water, and map and race each other to camp. A secondary prize was flint to light fires with... which is good, apparently: nothing like a cosy fire in snowy Guatemala.
For those who aren't following: Guatemala isn't snowy. It's a jungle. Do try to keep up.
The racers headed off and organised themselves in the only way they know how: not at all. They picked up bags of everything (
"Grab the corn! Grab more corn! We can have popcorn by our cosy fire! Also, that rock! We'll need it, it looks useful!") and tried in vain to read the compass (
"Hey, it moves around when I turn! Cool!").
Luckily, Bobby Jon made himself useful (
"I'll carry that rock ma'am.") and so did Steph (
"I'll go walk up front, so as not to, you know, make myself a target or anything.") and eventually the teams started to make some ground.
And then: tragedy... I won't sugar coat it for you, so look away if you're squeamish. Blake...
walked into a tree... Ok, he walked into some thorns as well, which may have stung a bit. Perhaps if they had punctured his jugular, sure, maybe reason to panic, sit, plan a bit, maybe a group hug. But this? Were they magic thorns, Blake? Did they have a curse on them? Will you sleep now until Prince Charming kisses you? No, I didn't think so. Suck it up, big boy.
Although, it might not be such a big issue if he were to get left behind. He doesn't really bring much to it, does he? He's like a less noticeable version of Bobby Jon, who, by the way, is super-noticeable in his spankingly shiny luminous green vest and his bulgy arms. It's like he stepped into a phone-booth and came out like superman: bigger, stronger, and wearing ridiculous spandex clothing.
Margaret is supposedly a nurse. Why, then, did I hear this conversation?
Blake: Vomit. Margaret: Is it your arm? Wow. Studied for how long?
Hogge-who-now?
Enter Gary Hogeboom: he's the old guy on Steph's tribe (Superfluous-X). Thus, he takes a leadership role. Well, actually, it was because he's tall. The rest of the tribe are hobbits, he's the king of men.
Or so he wishes. Apparently, Gary is an ex-NFL something-or-other. I think the exact position he played was 'Head Smasher'. Anyway, our dear friend Gary considers himself quite the celebrity. He figures that, since every other ex-NFL star has been voted off of survivor quite early, he'll change his name so that no one recognises him. By the way, there have never been any ex-NFL stars on survivor, Gary. Gary must be really famous if literally
no one recognised him. I wish I had heard the following last night:
Gary: Psst, random-tribe-mate. RTM: Yes, tall guy. Gary: I have a secret. I'm really Gary Hogeboom. RTM: Wow, the ice-cream guy? Gary: What? No. NFL? Remember? I played for - RTM: oh yes, the Bears! Gary: No, the Packers. RTM: Wow. Hey, other-random-tribe-mate, this guy is Gary Hogeboom! ORTM: What, the ice-cream guy? Gary: No, from the... ugh, nevermind. I'm gonna go stand over there and be tall. Immunity Biceps Well, Steph finally won something. And Bobby Jon, well, Bobby Jon not only lost, but he hit himself in the head for losing. I don't think I could have asked for anything better.
The challenge was fairly arduous, but seriously: how many people can get their foot caught under the same log? Dumbasses.
Poor old Jim. He was doomed from the minute he said the word 'Bicep'. If he had just said 'Arm' or 'Muscle', but as soon as he used an anatomically correct term, he, like Ibrehem and others before him, was doomed.
And, so, the first torch was extinguished. Jeff sacrificed Jim to the Mayan God of Sacrifices, and the Survivors were allowed to spend three more nights in the ruins of the Ruined City of Ruination.
The Bit Where I Make Brandon Cry Brandon is a pig. he is so obviously the first winner of this season's
Shallow End of the Gene Pool Award. He criticised Bobby Jon, calling him stupid. The sentence he used to do so was grammatically incorrect, but that doesn't mean anything to our dear Brandon. Brandon can barely walk, barely talk, and wears that stupid hat. The hat alone deserves death.
The
Let This Person Breed More Award goes to Steph, who finally shook the ghost of Bobby Jon and jammed her foot right up in his face.
The End Next week, it seems Blake gets sick again, and Bobby Jon continues to grunt forcefully at inanimate objects.
Ah, it's just too easy...