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What would you do?

Written by Best-Achiever from the blog Only the Best is Achieved Here on 26 May 2008
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 What is your say on this: 

Ilobola is paid to the women's parents as an appreciation sign to the parents for taking care of the women, it can be given in cash or cows or maybe both depending on the agreement between two families... The groom pays lobola so that the bride’s family can allow the two to marry each other. it's meant to create relations between the two families. 

How much does it cost? 

It all depends on who the bride is and what the family wants, example if a bride's father is a king, that will make her a princess right?, so you pay more for her than paying for a bride from a normal family. For a princess you will pay up 22 cows, on monetary terms that will roughly be R70 000 – R80 000(if one cow cost between R3500.00 – 4500.00), You pay up to 15 cows if the bride is the daughter of the community leader (induna). For an ordinary bride you can pay up to 10 cowsR30-50 00 or pay up to 11 cows if the bride is a virgin or if you are the one who broke bride’s virginity excluding imembeso.
Well that is what was happening back then or what is supposed to happen even today. 

One day I was listening to a radio on my way home and there was a topic about lobola; the argument was something like this; 

Now that we live in society where women are also working and sometimes even get paid more than what their male partners do. And the question at hand was; 

If you are a woman or a man; you and your partner love each other dearly and you would like to marry each other one day and the situation is: 

if you are a woman: Your partner doesn’t have enough to pay lobola, he isn’t getting enough either and you are getting paid more than him maybe twice than he does; 
Would you or wouldn’t you give him money to lobola you, either way why? 

If you are a man, will you accept or even ask for money from your partner to pay lobola.:

So bloggers what would you do?



70 Comments

Best-Achiever
26 May 2008 06:53

Well ...no matter how much i love the guy i would give him or loan him my money to pay lobola, i would feel like im betraying my parents....

Best-Achiever
26 May 2008 06:54

meant ...i wouldnt

Weiss
26 May 2008 06:57

if you are a woman: Your partner doesn’t have enough to pay lobola, he isn’t getting enough either and you are getting paid more than him maybe twice than he does;
Would you or wouldn’t you give him money to lobola you, either way why?
I would give him the money. Shame! But he will have to pay me back.... I think that if I luv him dearly - nothing should stop us from getting married. Money is only for uniting the two families isn't it? So? Lets just get married...

Best-Achiever
26 May 2008 07:03

@Weiss ..what if he doesnt pay you?

Nonny
26 May 2008 07:03

I would never give a man money to lobola me. If a man really loves and cares for u, he will hussle ngishjo kuthiwa unguhlama until he has something to atleast present at ur home, whether it's a R31.99 braai pack just to veza ubuso.........LOL........just kidding. But seriously I would never give a man money to lobolla me. It's just sad that lobola is designed to be a token of appreciation to the bribes family and to unite the two families, yet  people are using it as a "Get Rich Quick Scheme" and that's why it has become unaffordable. If we go back to the origins of lobolla it wouldn't be such a hassle for people to get married in a traditional manner.

@ BA, are parents charging Mr 2010 an arm and a leg yini? now u wanna assist the brother, ngathi ukhathazekile sisi............LOL

Miss K
26 May 2008 07:04

Strangely enuf my friends and I were discussing this last nyt. There is NO way in hell that i wud loan my man lobola. Hell NO! Im sorry but if ure a man and ure in your twenties and ure working and u have a dream of having a family one day then u shud start saving for lobola yesterday already. I know kuthiwa never say never but in this case i say i'll NEVER do that.

Nonny
26 May 2008 07:06

I meant ngisho kuthiwa ungus'hlama - as in even if he is kinda broke!

Nonny
26 May 2008 07:09

Nazoke Miss K, a man is supposed to pay lobolo, it's tradition and that is the one tradition that I am not willing to ever modify, either than that, I'd rather be a Miss than a Mrs for the rest of my life!!!!

Miss K
26 May 2008 07:09

Makaye komashonisa if all fails then he can payback R350 every month for the next 6 yrs. LOL

Best-Achiever
26 May 2008 07:09

@Nonny ... we share same Sentiments sisi ...i would never give a man my money to lobola me ...i would rather not get married.

@ BA, are parents charging Mr 2010 an arm and a leg yini? now u wanna assist the brother, ngathi ukhathazekile sisi............LOL

LOL .... nope, they haven't even started negotiations ... and if he cant afford what they want he wud rather try lay-bye(LOL as you call it) than me giving him my money ....

Miss K
26 May 2008 07:11

@Nonny....imagine when u guys have a fight and u threaten to leave and he'll be like 'Hamba goduka lento yazilobolayo!'

Tshd21
26 May 2008 07:15

Nah.....I will never lobola myself......

Best-Achiever
26 May 2008 07:15

@Miss K ...'Hamba goduka lento yazilobolayo!' ...LOL and to top that ..all his friends and maybe his family will know that you actual lobolad yourself whether you have a fight or not

diamond
26 May 2008 07:15

I think the man must do whatever it takes to save for lobola.  I dont think its right to give/oan, its like o-ilobolile mos? And what if he does not pay U back?
If he wants me badly enough o tla zama.

I know of this guy who once paid lobola but went back to borrow it from the in-laws and never paid it back. He is still happily married to the wife!!

Best-Achiever
26 May 2008 07:18

@diamond
I know of this guy who once paid lobola but went back to borrow it from the in-laws and never paid it back. He is still happily married to the wife!! ...LOL

sanas
26 May 2008 07:20

Lihlazo (disgrace) elo buphi ubudoda bayo, kucacile sizolamba endlini hay hayi !

Weiss
26 May 2008 07:25

BA@Weiss ..what if he doesnt pay you?  - It doesnt matter. The issue is not about the lobola here - you just simply showing him how much you luv him. You can still have your man even if he hasnt paid lobola.

Nonny
26 May 2008 07:29

Guys, we always laugh at my cousin's wife coz she gave her husband money to lobola her, and whenever they have a fight, my cousin brother says to her: "Vele wazishada so I ain't gonna cry for my money should we seperate"......now is that the life to live, in order to be a Mrs Somebody?????

Hlehle
26 May 2008 07:46

No Nonny that is not the life. A woman who does that is pulling her dignity down on the drain all men know that Lobola cums out of their pocket why shud u loan him. My fiance has already saved R15 000 for the lobola which the negotiations are going thru next year and i told him that if they charged u more than u have, i wont loan u. u just have to stand up for uself and pay for what u want. 

Kwa Xhosa if the bride's family charged too much money the groom family will ask for Iduli ( umembeso ) to tell u guys Iduli is expensive u can use ur Lobola money  to do it and left with nothing.

Mambox
26 May 2008 08:00

Guy ngiyakubona konke...imagine if uzolobolwa and the guy doesn't pay the 11th cow because he's not the one who broke your virginity...that must be painful/embarrasing!!! I think my dad would just roll over and die at that moment...angavele abone nje ukuthi i've been sleeping around or something...he'd be sooooo disappointed sho!!

Cnglemother
26 May 2008 08:04

@BA For an ordinary bride you can pay up to 10 cowsR30-50 00, you finished me with this line hi-hi-hi!

andi01
26 May 2008 08:13

@Hlehle, R15000 over my dead body!!!, lobola shud start from R30 000, upwards, then the man ask for uduli, which will cost R15 000. Then "aphinde indlela umakoti" which will cost about R7 000. Then when she hasher first and second child, she spents teh first few months at home. The xpenses can amount from R4000. The Mkhwenyana then visist on regular basis, (efuna inyama, iti nobisi and all the nice staff), which can amount to (R3000, during the course of 10 yrs). That means the mafacka got R29 000, back and ur folks sold u away to the devil (thats what he bcoms after 5yrs of marriage with 3 kids) for R1000,  I say vat en sit all the way  and the mafack must buy ur folks chicken chunks everytime he goes to visit (this can amount to R3500 in 7 yrs time), still R2500 more than u could have got if u were married.

Nonny
26 May 2008 08:13

"...imagine if uzolobolwa and the guy doesn't pay the 11th cow because he's not the one who broke your virginity...that must be painful/embarrasing!!!"
@ Mambox, there is nohing embarrassing about marrying a man that didn't break ur virginity. Sometimes men marry a woman with three choice assorted kids and they live happily ever after. And ur father wil get over the dissapointed, vele isemhlabeni la.

Weiss
26 May 2008 08:20

@andi01 All these costs can chase away the poor thing - Vat en sit is another option maybe. Or just hope you win the lotto.

Lex
26 May 2008 08:24

I would never ever think of dreaming of considering entertaining the thought of  giving him money to pay my lobola,if he aint got enough then he should just save and save and save and save (that's how strongly I feel about it,as you can tell by my 1st line) LOL!

Hlehle
26 May 2008 08:27

That's what he has saved now that does'nt mean he'll pay R15000 if u understand me. He is still going to save mo but as for now uneR15000. So this means he is still going to save not that he is going to pay that amount Andi01 uyaqonda mos.

My family has'nt negotiated anything with his family so if u think nicely. That  R15000 is his two months salary so lets say ke if he saved for another year then this amount will be double or tripple.

Mambox
26 May 2008 08:27

Noway Nonny...i'd definately be embarrassed and my dad will be very disappointed shoe! that's y i'm holding on to my boo although he can be an a*s.

Porsch
26 May 2008 08:31

Firstly i will NOT date a broke ass man who will not afford to Lobola me.... PERIOD

People dont understand the whole Lobola thing, so i will kindly break it down for all of you.

Yes the reason why its paid to the girl's family  is as a token of appreciation and other reasons are
1.   Man carry their surnames therefore when you have kids they will carry the legacy of the man's family whilst the woman's fades
2.  Woman's family hosts the wedding (that needs money)
3.  When a woman leaves home she MUST leave with a present from her family, well back then it was "keysed"(sp), and bedroom suit and now that costs money.

people dont count these things when they talk about Lobola being high.

carino
26 May 2008 08:34

I havent read the replies... but there is no way in heaven im going to play my parents like that. 

If im paying my own lobola i might as well give it to his family, mosdaan???? It's clear, i am the one marrying the guy.....

And what sort of man asks me to marry myself like that - a complete loser. Tjho.... do people do that? 

If you are helping him pay your lobola, where is the future there??? It's clear you will be footing the bills for the rest of your lives. 



andi01
26 May 2008 08:36

I think the best way which is fair to both parties in lobola paying is pay as you go on weekends free basis. This will ensure that you wife is loyal to you and that you are reminded everyday that wives dont come cheap. I have made a plan:

Lets say a amn pays R10 rands a day for his wife
This means R220 per month (a month has 22 days on average)
Thats R2640 per year.

The advantage being if the wife decides to leave after a year then that means you have lost only R2640, and a some1 whose not worth any cent more.

if she leaves after 10 years, then the man will loose (R26400), which is fair for some 1 who has 3 kids by then.

If the woman stays wit you, after 25yrs, you would have paid R66 600, which is a fair price for some1 whos been with u through thick and thin. This is the guaranteed way to a better life. Lobola: pay as you go on weekends free package.

Miss K
26 May 2008 08:44

LOL andi01 hay undigqibile with your package! tl tl tl yhooo but that makes sense hey?

Cnglemother
26 May 2008 08:45

A guy who will marry me will go easy, my mom is so pityful (unovelwano) english term ran away. Father of my child still has not paid damages and no-one is after him. It works out for me coz my current man uyazihluphekela so a hefty lobola will cripple his non-existing bank balance.If they can just charge him 5-10 cows it will be fine.

Cnglemother
26 May 2008 08:47

Andi uyahlanya hi-hi-hi!

andi01
26 May 2008 08:48

If they can just charge him 5-10 cows it will be fine.,  be specific when u pray for something coz 5-10 cows can range from 25000-50000, given the fact that the market price for the cow is now R5000, with chances of increasing due to the xenophobic attacks, that almost crippled teh agricultural field both of South Africa and our beloved neighbour Zimbabwe.

Miss K
26 May 2008 08:55

@Cnglmom i guess the only thing I can do (becoz a loan from me is out) is ukumthethelela (put in a good word) umntu wami. U know his bank balance better than anyone else so maybe u can persuade your mom who in turn will soften your daddy not to be too harsh on the poor guy.

Cnglemother
26 May 2008 08:58

ok-ok Ms Credentic Andile, between 15-20 grand, that's if his kwaito CD's make it to the market, he's 34 lawd trying to crack the  music industry, i love him but inhlupheko ephezu kwakhe inkulu kakhulu at the moment.

Tshd21
26 May 2008 09:04

LOL 
Phela guys, you should not forget that lobola is not a trading business........a reasonable amount will do. Nna I don't mind as little as R10 000.......


I know someone who's hubby demanded his R20 000 lobola back after they broke up. She is getting married again and her mother says this time....she only wants R1 000 so that when things go sour and the dude wants his money back....they don't have to go to abomashonisa.....

andi01
26 May 2008 09:12

@Cnglemother, careful of those artist-to be, my sister was dating an afro pop artist to be, who borrowed money (lots) from her promising to pay her "when things start looking up", all i can say is its been 8 years, and i am still patuently waiting for things to "look up", LOL, but just kidding abantu abafani

diamond
26 May 2008 09:21

Hai Nonny and BA, tell me, how accurate are these virginity tests? What if U negotiate with yo man to pay that extra cow to save U the embarassment?

nokubonga
26 May 2008 09:33

Firstly i will NOT date a broke ass man who will not afford to Lobola me.... PERIOD


I can't think of dating anyone who is broke...costs of living is too high. And go fa Monna chelete gore a go Lobole its a big No....he will never respect you!

Firstdvd
26 May 2008 10:03

In the NAME OF LOVE...Lobola must be reasonable. RICH & POOR guy lobola musn't be the same!

Firstdvd
26 May 2008 10:06

@NOKUBONGA...Are u gonna dump your man just because he not rich anymore & search for the RICH-MAN? That's not ON!

Beyonce
26 May 2008 10:42

Nice One BA.... to answer your question, NO I will give no nigga money for Lobola, that is something that everyman has to work and sweat for! He must be proud that he lobolad 'MaKhumalo' himself... can you imagine yrs down the line when you are having an arguement and he goes like " Vele wena wazilobola, mina ngisazofuna owami onkosikazi engizomlobola mina.."(You lobolad yourself, I'm gonna get a wife that Im gonna loba mina myself).

Quick question: What are you doing with a broke a$$ nigga anyways??

nokubonga
26 May 2008 11:44

@ firstdvd, cost of living is too high....Men are providers, what will i do with someone who is always broke???

Cande
26 May 2008 13:38

he he he Tshidi??

Firstdvd
26 May 2008 15:01

NOKUBONGA...Would u be looking for love or a provider? Or a package...lol

Best-Achiever
26 May 2008 23:44

@Cnglmom i guess the only thing I can do (becoz a loan from me is out) is ukumthethelela (put in a good word) umntu wami. U know his bank balance better than anyone else so maybe u can persuade your mom who in turn will soften your daddy not to be too harsh on the poor guy

@Miss K ... dont forget that YOU WONT BE INCLUDED in lobola negotiations and you wont even know how much they charged him.
@Andi01 ... you killed me

Hai Nonny and BA, tell me, how accurate are these virginity tests? What if U negotiate with yo man to pay that extra cow to save U the embarassment?
@diamond ... virginity test are 100% accurate if you go to people who have been doing it for a long time ... some guys just pay the 11th cow  whether or not you are a virgin ...our parents always ask for that cow (inkomo kamama). i have never heard if a guy has ever denied to  pay it.

" Vele wena wazilobola, mina ngisazofuna owami onkosikazi engizomlobola mina.."(You lobolad yourself, I'm gonna get a wife that Im gonna loba mina myself).
@Beyonce .... LOL

KeleFabulous
27 May 2008 01:10

a man must be a man and do what a man has to do. i don't get women who lobola htemselves (cos that's exactly what it is). i have a friend who gave bf money to pay for damages kubo. she still hasn't seen marago a chelete eo...

i say 15 grand is not so bad for i lobola. it shouldn't depend on your education, how many kids you have...blah blah blah...

Nonny
27 May 2008 01:16

"Hai Nonny and BA, tell me, how accurate are these virginity tests? What if U negotiate with yo man to pay that extra cow to save U the embarassment?"
@ Diamond if done by professionals these tests are very accurate, and yes u can negociated with ur man to pay the extra cow but the sad thing is that with tradition doing something as conniving as that ikulethela amabhadi *lotsa bad luck*, u won't get away with it, I tell u ngiyawazi amadlozi...........LOL

Best-Achiever
27 May 2008 01:26

she still hasn't seen marago a chelete eo...
@Kele ... i dont think any gy will ever repay it.

@Nonny ..LOL at you and knowing amadlozi

Cnglemother
27 May 2008 01:26

Kfab 10-15 grand is fine, not all men are loaded bathong. I wouldnt go and get a loan for him but they should not milk him out completely. Besides my mother will never go hungry while i am still alive so she must consider the groceries i will be bringing to her while married to the man he charged a hefty lobola. In other words this man will supporting her indirectly via me. This man's R500 rands i will be giving to her secretly must also be considered. Lets be humans and think for the one's that are so fortunate in the financial department.

Best-Achiever
27 May 2008 01:34

@Cnglemom .... i find it highly impossible to fins a Zulu women lobolad with 10-15 K conidering the number of cows that are standard on the lobola ... there is no way you can find a cow with R1000.00 since the lobola starts from 10 cows

Nonny
27 May 2008 01:38

"@Nonny ..LOL at you and knowing amadlozi"
@ BA - I know them, if u come from a traditional family and u ignore tradition or show disrespect by not following it, babanawe shaqa, they will not let it slide.

"This man's R500 rands i will be giving to her secretly must also be considered."
LMAO @ Cnglemom, nc nc nc *shaking my head*..........abafazi..........secretly pho?...........LOL

Nonny
27 May 2008 01:41

"there is no way you can find a cow with R1000.00 since the lobola starts from 10 cows"
I agree with u BA, a cow costs R4000 - R5000, so basically R15 000 is 3 cows and not even a second or even third hand wife is lobolad with that.

Best-Achiever
27 May 2008 01:43

cows and not even a second or even third hand wife is lobolad with that.
LOL @Nonny

tha - bang
27 May 2008 01:44

I realy dont feel the lobola thing,but i believe the guy should cough it up.but anything above 20000 is ridiculous.when are some of these things going to die out,i know i can do without them

Fluffy Head
27 May 2008 01:49

Nna I know of guys who have paid over 100grand for a girl...No jokes...
But good thing is back at home its our tradition the Lobola money covers the wedding costs...Cause the girls parents are supposed to organise their daughters wedding..So its ok in that sense.

felfel
27 May 2008 01:53

iLobola doesn't even have to paid in full in some families hey, you can lay-bye her and continue to pay in terms.....lol

carino
27 May 2008 01:58

you can lay-bye her and continue to pay in terms

WTF????

Nonny
27 May 2008 02:01

"........but anything above 20000 is ridiculous."
Tha bang R20 000 is approximately 4 - 5 cows, now when u look at it in terms of the cows it's nothing. Next think u know people will lobalad with 10 chickens phela, ngeke guys uziko usiko *tradition is tradition* 

Nonny
27 May 2008 02:06

"iLobola doesn't even have to paid in full in some families hey, you can lay-bye her and continue to pay in terms.....lol"
@ Felfel - LMAO, u remnind me of my uncle who married my aunt, he died in a car accident last year, and he owed my family R10 000 worth of ilobola. And my aunt said to all the ladies: "Yabonake mantombazane, make sure indoda ikhokha full price and not by installments coz now, usefile lomuntu and yet he hasn't finished paying my lobola"........we were all LOL!!!

cleave
27 May 2008 02:55

I earn more than my hubby and he also didn't have enough money for ilobola. I told him that I could do anything for him, but I would NEVER EVER help him with lobola money. I am glad that he made a plan 'AS A MAN SHOULD' to pay the lobola. He didn't have to do anything illegal but he just hard to work hard, tighten his belt and save money.

I am glad that I didn't help him to pay lobola, because he kept his pride, and he can also say it with pride that he went through a lot to pay lobola for me.

felfel
27 May 2008 03:06

Nonny if he never finished the lobola, his family owes u another son who will must marry ur aunt or his first born must continue to pay that lobola for his father......Talk about sins of the father............lol

Nceshs
27 May 2008 03:20

I would never do that!!!!

Nceshs
27 May 2008 03:23

I would never do that!!!!

Dabs
27 May 2008 03:33

I am also fine with 10 - 15 grand. So I can give him back his money if he starts being naughty. If we start talikng about tradition here, that means that I have to listen to my husband and he can do whatever he wants in his house. Go sleep outside or having a second wife. If he beats me I should stay becayse that is what a traditional woman does. Are you woman willing to stand for that? IF you are then he should pay the 50 grand that you want.

Cnglemother
27 May 2008 03:46

@Cleave is it not difficult to marry a man who makes less than you in terms of his ego & self esteem?I am in that dilemma, he sometimes makes comments that umfazi onemali akahloniphi (a woman with money has no respect), we are not married but I am considering vat & sit but his insecurity about my not so much money and independence is scaring me kancinci.

Best-Achiever
27 May 2008 03:57

@Dabs ... ilobolo alibuyeli emuva(you dont give back the lobola) Not unless the woman was caught in the act.

@Cnglemom ... usentweni shlobo

ex@mple
27 May 2008 05:36

right people

WhiteSockGirl
27 May 2008 11:48

Interesting article and replies,...wonder what man would be insane enough to pay that type of money for me...  He will ask for a refund in less than 12 hours...


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