I can quite categorically say that
Episode Four was a really awesome rollercoaster ride, if, by
'rollercoaster' you mean
'a trot on a pony in a meadow, and then falling off at the end'.
Don't ask.
Who the hell is Brooke? I don't think she said a word in 9 days. Well, no, that's not true. She spent a lot of time on her last day there saying
'Yes, you do spell my name with an 'E'. Why do you ask?' It's the Heat that Makes them Lazy, It's the Heat that Makes them Crazy
Nakum is suffering from heat exhaustion. They lie around all day, doing nothing but complain about the heat and the bugs. I'm quite enjoying it, because Brandon is struggling to speak, and the less that comes out of his mouth, the better.
"It's, like, hot... and... well... butt-crack..." Judd then wanders into camp wearing every item of clothing he can find. I don't know how Judd manages it. You'd think a big guy like him would suffer in the heat, but he's like a camel. Judd the camel. That's a pretty good analogy, actually, except camels are smarter and have less hair.
Yaxha, on the other hand (and also the same hand - think about it), have maybe a handful of brain cells left amongst them, as the rest must obviously have been killed off in the heat. Why else would they do what they do in the river? An enormous alligator swims towards them, and they just, you know, watch it. Comment on how close it is, and not, you know run the hell away. How very Wildebeest of them.
Jamie got bitten by a minnow, and then he told us about it. I think that sums him up: whiny, and prone to being bitten by metaphorical fish that don't even have teeth. What the hell guy? It sounds like something Tree Trunk Attack Survivor Blake would say. Next week, I bet someone gets attacked by the ground.
And let's not comment on the fact that they're using their food to try to catch stupid minnows. Good food, for measly minnows.
I'm so relieved that everyone's gotten stupid. You wouldn't believe how I've been hoping and praying.
The Challenge that was Really Not Jeff: In this week's reward challenge, we will lure you into a false sense of security, and then totally ruin your day. As compensation, we're giving Bobby Jon a shower. ...and that pretty much sums it up. The RC was a silly game of choosing who is the most deserving of a Reward. First it was nourishment, then it was cleanliness, then it was picknickiness (some people just don't get enough picnics, what can I say?) I wish that Jeff would do the inverse of this game: the Punishment Challenge.
Jeff: Which member of the tribe is most deserving of a kick in the head? Let's see: Nakum chooses Blake and...- oh, look, Yaxha also voted for Blake. come on down Blake, here's yer kicks. Ok, now, who’s most deserving of a – wait, I didn’t even say it yet. Why are you all writing Blake's name again? Oh well, one can dream.
Jeff swapped the tribes around, in an unnecessarily convoluted manner. In the end, the two tribes looked very different. I for one was hoping that Steph and Bobby Jon would end up on the same tribe, but I think Mark Burnett would have gone on a killing rampage.
But anyway, back on topic: the new tribes are twisted up. This often allows for certain fringe players to get into the game. Enter
Judd: Man of Mystery. What fuels his motives? What does his mind crave? Power? Intrigue? Donuts? We'll never know, because Judd has lost his mind.
Margaret: I'm worried about the tribe switch. Are you? Judd: Mmmm.. not so much. Margaret: You're not worried about them ganging up on us and picking us off? Judd: Who is this 'us' you refer to? Suave. Subtle. Puffy. Agent Judd: Double-Oh d'Oh. Licence to d'Oh!
Your Usual Table, Miss laGrossa? The Immunity Challenge was one of those throwing challenges. They used traditional Mayan weapons (that look suspiciously like archaeological tools. Thought I was joking?) Things started to go well for the new Nakum: Steph, awesome as she is, broke her first tile just by looking at it. Jeff ruled this as a fair throw, because he didn't want to give Steph a reason to look at him too. There's a reason her eyebrows are so sharp: they're running away from her eyes.
Then came big ole SuperJudd. In his infinite wisdom he decided that his many years of throwing fast food wrappers into garbage cans has given him the ability to win the challenge for Nakum.
Not so. Four thousand throws later, Judd finally hit something. By then, it was too late, and Steph had to go back to tribal council.
Before the TC, we were able to witness Judd at his most Juddiness.
Margaret: We have to vote as a tribe.Judd: Again with the 'We'... At Tribal Council Jeff told Steph that, out of all 21 challenges she had taken part in, she had lost 45. Steph said that she was unsure why she was losing so much, but was sure it was Bobby Jon's fault, somehow. She mentioned considering a Pact with the Devil, much like Tom did last season.
Voting happened. Much nail biting occurred. Gut-wrenching intensity followed. Hushed whispering ensued. After I flipped back to Survivor from the Jacob Zuma Verdict reading, I noted that the obvious had occurred: Brooke had been voted off. Trust Judd to now claim credit for masterminding the way he bent over to the Yaxha people.
The Gardener and the Doorman The
Shallow End of the Gene Pool Award for this week goes, again, to Judd. Need I explain?
The
Let This Person Breed More Award goes to Gary 'Straight Faced' Hogeboom. I don't know what magic he's using, but he's playing those suckers like a Hail Mary play late in the fourth quarter.
(Read the Crystal Ball Predictions for this episode here).