The Hippies take it! While I would have been happy with any of the teams winning, I am ever so slightly disappointed that yet another young couple won TAR. It would have been so novel watching a father/daughter team win it, or a 70-year-old and his grandson cross the finish line first.
Not that I’m complaining. The Hippies were a likeable lot, and it’s always nice to see stereotypes shattered about Hippies being no-good slackers who sit in the basement all day surrounded by a haze of smoke. Turns out once you get them out the basement and point them in the right direction, they can do pretty well for themselves.
What’s a finale without five minutes of really obvious interviews from the teams about how much they want to win? As the teams set off from the Pit Stop, we got to hear the obligatory blather about how close they were to winning.
From then on, it was off to the airport to fly to their final destination: Anchorage, Alaska. Oooh, maybe Sarah Palin will be there! Don-of-all-trades was happy to hear they were heading to Alaska because he was good at its most popular pastimes, hunting and fishing. Naturally, he has experience hunting and fishing, just like he has experience with everything else. He’s probably responsible for civilising and naming Alaska.
Young DonaldRon and Chris were the first to buy tickets for the only flight available and put the rest of their airport time to good use, looking for information on their next destination on the Internet. This allowed them to get to the Route Marker first, when the teams landed in Alaska.
Once again, Christina's poker face rules allAfter picking up gear for their Very Exciting Alaskan Adventure, the teams had to make their way to Ship Creek, which I heard as *bleep!* Creek every time someone said it. Donald and Nicolas forgot to grab their gear and only realised it when they were already at the next Route Marker. Talk about being up *bleep!* Creek without a paddle, nor ice-picks and climbing equipment for that matter.
As Nicolas and Ron raced back to pick up their gear, the other two teams tried to complete the Detour. The choice was between gutting a fish and finding the clue someone had shoved inside the poor thing, and getting crabs. Ew, not like that. They had to search a pool of angry crabs for one with a race logo on its arm…well, leg…or claw. Whatever.
"Watchoo lookin' at? You were expecting something out of The Little Mernaid?"The gutting’s only disadvantage was that it was gross, so this proved to be a breeze for the not easily icked-out Ron and Chris. Honestly, if you’re enough of a wuss to avoid a Detour because it involves some fish guts, you don’t deserve to be on the show.
For some unfathomable reason, the Hippies chose the angry crabs. The little bastards set to work clawing every exposed part of TK and Rachel’s bodies. Hey, you’d be grumpy too if your ultimate purpose in life was to top off a plate of salad and rice for someone who’s too cheap to order lobster.
TK and Rachel had so much trouble with the killer krabs that Nicolas and Don managed to make it back to the Detour before they could finish. Finally, TK picked up a crab with a clue, and he and Rachel escaped the frenzied crab attack before the skin of their legs were clawed off.
Why so crabby, Rach?Nicolas and Don took on the gutting. Don, who probably has experience working at a fishery or on a whaling boat hunting great white whales or whatever, gutted the fish like a…er, fish. He ordered Nicolas to look through the guts for a clue. “With my hands?” Nick asked hesitantly. No, with your nose. What do you think, fool?
The two of them finished the gutting soon after, and all three teams were on their way to some glacier, with Ron and Chris slightly in the lead. They lost some of that lead climbing the glacier, not because of Ron’s fear of heights, surprisingly enough, but because of Christina’s crappy climbing ability.
Is he wearing assless chaps?
Don't look down does not mean climb the glacier blind
Here’s where we started to get a million shots of the Alaskan wilderness every few minutes. Did the Alaskan tourism board sponsor this episode? After all that, I feel like I should go live up on a glacier with the polar bears and live on lichen.
In between the panoramic shots of beautiful Alaskan scenery, we occasionally caught some glimpses of the teams heading to their next Route Marker. Ron and Chris were the first to arrive, and Chris elected to do the Roadblock.
Said Roadblock was a memory-based logic puzzle, way too complicated for me to describe properly. The racers had to pick up various items from each leg of the race, only they had quotas asking for things like one stick-like method of transportation and three animal products, for example.
WTF? I feel like I'm watching SIn CityStubborn Donkey, Chicken Little and Taiwanese Cleaning Guy all made cameo appearances as objects. I can’t believe they made Cleaning Guy an object. If you prick him, does he not bleed? The racers could not stop to reflect on the inhumanity of what was done to Cleaning Guy because the puzzle was far too devilish.
Chris became so frustrated that she tried to call upon divine intervention. “God, please help me,” she implored. I don’t think God does puzzles. He’s never explained to me how to do Sudoku, no matter how many times I’ve asked the heavens for guidance.
Rachel turned out to be a lot sharper than you’d expect from a no-good, basement-dwelling pothead, and was the first to work out the puzzle. It was a good idea for her to do it. If TK had been the one to do the Roadblock, he’d still be wandering around looking for the puzzle. “Where’s the puzzle, man? All this crap is in the way and I can’t find it. Maybe if I move these stilts, I’ll see it, man.”
A very excited pair of Hippies set off to find a salmon hooker. Geez, I’ve heard of fish wives but fish hookers? I had no idea the Alaskans were so into their marine life. Ron and Chris were close behind, and both teams furiously searched for the whorish fish.
The Hippies were the first to find the salmon hooker, which turned out to be a statue of a fish wearing too much make-up. Thank god. I was imagining a woman in a fish suit walking the streets getting picked up by Furries. Do you still call them Furries if they’re into fish? Wouldn’t they rather be Scalys?
Hooking fishes just took on a whole new meaningEnough pondering the intricacies of fishy fetishes. The finish line beckons. TK and Rachel set off for the finish line with a small lead. Ron and Chris were close behind, although maybe not as close as the editors made them out to be. They were unable to pass the Hippies, and TK and Rachel were the first ones to cross the finish line.
The Hippies were thrilled. Think how much weed a million can get you. TK was proud of how Rachel, despite being petite, had persevered throughout. I had no idea being a skinny, twiggy girl was that difficult to overcome. Another stereotype broken, I guess. Rachel declared that TK was her
bong rock.
Ron and Chris put on a brave face when they came in second, and focused on the positive effect the race had had on their relationship. Ron declared he was a new man, a better man. Old men can change their (liver) spots after all.
Nick and Don’s final words were all about how awesome it was that Don had done so well despite being almost seventy. It helps when you have experience in pretty much every job known to man.
The real reason Nick was OK with not winning: consolation hugs 
A happy ending for all: a couple more in love than ever, a father and daughter’s relationship renewed, and an old man who exceeded everyone’s expectations. It felt like something out of a Disney movie. I almost expected everyone to burst into song and dance with a herd of animated moose.
And so ends the twelfth season of The Amazing Race. From me, until the next time, it’s peace out, man.