Where are they now?
That's a question I ask myself when contemplating past season's of Survivor. I also contemplate it when thinking of things like house-keys, my sanity, and the people Judd took hostage to make his wife marry him, but I digress.
In the great tradition of Island Rat Journalism, I've tracked down all 18 Guatemala survivors, in order to find out, for you, were they are now. After months (in dog years) of searching, here are the results of my quest. I hope you enjoy.
Jim
Jim has come out of retirement and pioneered a new field: unmotivational speaking. His latest seminar, "Coming Last is OK" outsold his previous seminar, "Loser? Me too!", two to one.
Morgan
After completing her most famous 'disappearing act', Morgan decided to head back to her roots. Reports say that she is the best Rodeo Clown in Kansas.
Brooke
Brooke has been undergoing counselling after returning home to find that it's not just the viewing audience: no one knows who she is. Her mother even asked her for proof when she claimed maternity.
Blake
Blake learned a lot from his experiences on Guatemala. He went back to school and completed his PhD in psychology. The title of his thesis was
"Breasts and the man: a qualitative correlation between Male Breast Obsession and Intelligence."
It passed because he promised the panel of judges a peek at his girlfriend's breasts. The judges were all male.
Brianna
After a break from life to rethink her goals, Brianna decided to apply what she learned in Guatemala. She now runs a school where young girls from the city can learn what a damned Pick and Roll is.
Brian
Brian McSmartypants went back to Guatemala to help the victims of the Mudslide. Unfortunately, he completely misinterpreted the meaning of ‘mudslide’, and was quite embarrassed when he showed up in his Speedo, carrying a keg.
Margaret
Margaret is another individual who put her Guatemalan experiences to good use. She published a series of home videos about child rearing. “How to care for the disabled – The Blake Story”, “ADD – A story about a boy Named Judd”, and “How not to Suppress that Murderous Instinct" are just a few of her better known titles.
Amy
Amy returned to her job as a police officer. She was soon fired after she spent nights in the basement, trawling through files, looking for some mysterious character called ‘Hawkins’ who may or may not have played football.
Brandon
Brandon came out to the world, revealing that he is, in fact, gay. This came as a huge relief to the Island Rat, as all of his female friends can now stop going on about how hot he is.
Seriously, enough, dammit.
Bobby Jon
Bobby Jon gave up his life as a farmer / model (‘fodel’) to pursue a career in politics. When running for the US Senate, he gave several press conferences, like this one:
Reporter 1: Bobby Jon, what is your stance on drugs?
Bobby Jon: Drugs Bad! Yargh!
Reporter 2: Is it true that you support gay marriage?
BJ: well, where I can from, we say “Can is as can do, if you have the bucket.” And man, do we ever have the bucket. We have it in spades.
Reporter 1: Uh, I’m not sure I…
BJ: Yearrggh!!! *chest* *chest*
Jamie
Jamie, along with Bobby Jon, started a new form of Martial Arts. Endorsed by the Japanese Society of Crazy American Fads, when translated it mean ‘way of the flying chest’. It was banned in several states for being excessively sexually ambiguous.
He is also a spokesperson for the Special US Medical Society for Curing Paranoia. He is currently running a program entitled “How to love those who are out to get you, after they got you.” This is part of a greater program called “Tin Foil Hats Anonymous.”
Gary
After Survivor, Gary opened up a motivational speaking company, hoping to cash in on his now famous name. Unfortunately, no one knows who Gary Hogeboom is: they can’t really remember him from his football days, and they're pretty sure the Gary from Survivor was a Gary Hawkins....
Judd
Judd continues to be a doorman. However, he has just written his first novel, under the pseudonym 'Notjudd Seargeant’ (yeah, I know, but he thinks it's clever). The title of the novel is 'Passionville', where the lead character, Man Hammerchestman, a pool boy falls madly in love with the wife of his employer, Mandi Le Man. Some reviews:
"If this is what humanity has become, I'm killing myself." - NY Times
"My eyes, my eyes, my God my eyes." Chicago Sun-Times
"I've heard of gratuitous violence, but gratuitous vomiting?" - London Times
"Sacre Bleh!" - Paris Tribune
Cindy
At the time of writing, Cindy is living in her car. She has propositioned the US legislature to allow Car-Human marriage, but this was turned down. She then moved to the Netherlands where, as would be suspected, such marriages are legal.
Lydia
Lydia continues to fulfil her role as the mayor of the munschkins. She brokered a peace deal between the munschkins and the Wicked Witch of the West and helped find funding for the Yellow Brick Highway project. She currently lives with her roommates, Mickey Mouse and Daffy Duck.
Rafe
Due to his peaceful and loving nature, Rafe has gone into a career as a diplomat for the UN. He was last seen in action in the Middle East:
Rafe: Ok, so, now, Mr Arab, how are you feeling?
Mr Arab: These people have put my people down and oppressed us for centuries!
Rafe: Ok, that’s very good. I’m feeling really positive energy coming from you. Let that frustration flow out of you. Do you have you frustration doll? Ok, squeeze it as hard as you’re angry!
Mr Arab: Well, I’m very angry…
Rafe: That’s good! Now you, Mr Israeli, don’t you want to give Mr Arab a hug?
Mr Israeli: What? He has been terrorising my people! He has supported terrorists!
Rafe: And how do you think that makes him feel?
Mr Israeli: What? Well, I…
Rafe: Go on, let it out.
Mr Israeli: .*bawling*. My mother never hugged me and I was never good enough for my father! Waaaaaah!
Mr Arab: Oh, come here you big poopypants and give me a hug! We are brothers! Thank you Rafe!
Rafe: Oh yeah, it’s ok.
Mr Arab: Truly you are a genius. First you manage to vote Bobby Jon off, and then you solve world peace!
Mr Israeli: Wait, what? YOU voted Bobby Jon off? Traitor! Call off the deal! Call in the air strikes!
Steph
Here’s an interesting fact about restraining orders: you're apparently not allowed to go around to the complainants work and ask her boss questions. That lands you in jail for the weekend. I'm starting to get used to prison food.
Danni
Danni lost her job as a sports presenter after she annoyed the crap out of her audience with such wonderful commentary:
"Oh, and he's dropped the ball! What a turn-around! Just like Rafe did, which helped me become the Ultimate Survivor: Guatemala. In Detroit, time is running out for the Pistons to get a new Coach, which reminds me of that time I won Survivor, and time was sort of running out. I think that's relevant. Down south, The Suns have made a dramatic comeback. That reminds me of the time I won Survivor, where I was totally the underdog. And that’s a wrap from me, Danni, Ultimate Survivor. Back to you, loser guy.”
She now runs a special school, The Danni Boatwright School For Skinny Girls Who Aren’t Anorexic (Slogan: We’re just slim, ok?!)
That’s all I have for now. Thanks for reading, we’ll be back soon with more from Survivor Panama: Exile Islands.