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So, we’re down to The Final Four. Cue trumpeting, crowd cheering, flag waving.

 Ok, that’s enough. All this excitement, who knows what Judd will vomit on.

Who would have thought that the last four people would be, by their Indian names: Eatzalotl Steph, Weighzalittl Danni, Muchagay Rafe, and Guatdidshedoanyway Lydia.

One gets a feeling that it had to be one of Bobby Jon or Steph. They couldn’t let this Season’s gimmick fall apart. After all, they’ve lined up comebacks for Lex, Caryn, Wanda, and Matt. They’re going to call it Survivor: Asylum. Craziest one wins.


Judd’s departure was a shock to no one, except for Judd and Cindy. We don’t really care about Judd. With him off of the show, we can finally see what was hiding behind him. Did you know there was a jungle in Guatamala? I jus thought that it was things growing off of Judd.

Cindy, on the other hand, was still on our screen and still making trouble. She was whining about how she wasn’t consulted about the vote.

Cindy: Why didn’t you guys tell me about the vote?
Steph: We’ve never told you about the vote. You’ve just always somehow voted the same as us.
Cindy: Yeah, but it would have been nice to know.
Steph: We thought you’d like a surprise. If you didn’t like that one, we’ll be sure to give you another at the next Tribal Council.
Cindy: My years as a zoo keeper tell me two things: one, you’re being sneaky. Two, you need to be fed.
Steph: Arf! Arf!
Cindy: Jump! Through the hoop! Yeah, here’s a fish for you.
Steph: Arf! Arf!

With Judd away from camp, the tribe has turned weird. It’s like Post Stress Disorder, or something. The crazy Barfenhauzen has left, and no one knows how to deal with it.

 Rafe has taken to bonding with the girls.

Lydia: You’re an honorary girl, just like us now Rafe!
Rafe: Yipee! Wait, you’re ‘honorary’? I thought it was just Amy…
Cindy: You know what we meant. You now have to make inane comments about cute boys, because after years of Women’s Lib, that’s what we women still think we have to do.
Rafe: Justin Timberlake is cee-yoot!
Steph: Random singalong moment!
Rafe: La la… love… woo hoo… girl… yeah…
Steph: Hey, that’s a compressed version of every Backstreet Boys song ever!
Danni: Makeovers! Instead of a mud-facial, let’s just not wash today!




The Curse of the Car is: stupid people win it.

The Reward Challenge was expected: it’s the final five, so that means someone wins a car. The Challenge itself was a conglomeration of all previous challenges. Yes, they had to do the following previous Guatemala Challenges:

1. Guess Gary’s real name
2. Roll a Ball over Amy
3. Chest Charge Bobby Jon
4. Keep Judd’s attention for more than 8 seconds

It was a tight race between Steph and Cindy, with Cindy being the eventual winner. Just as Cindy was getting ready to celebrate her new car (“I wonder if I can drive it all the way back to the US?’) Jeff sprang a nasty, Satanic surprise on Cindy: she could either take her car, or give it up and give everyone else a car. Cindy thought about it, and so did I.

If you leave the car and give everyone else a car, then you’ll look good in their eyes. For about 8 seconds. Remember: these people will vote you off for doing well in the game. They’re not exactly altruistic. “Thanks for the Car Cindy! I’ll give you a lift to the zoo on the way to and from my new mansion!”

If you take the car, then you allow the rest of the tribe to pretend that they would have done just the opposite, and then given you their left kidney, and then adopted a child and named it after you. So, not only do you make them angry at you, you make them feel right about it. Self-righteousness is what got the Mayans extinct.

So, Cindy was screwed, no matter what she did. Catch-22.

Darn, and she was doing so well too.

Sorry, I was just checking that my Sarcasm-o-meter was calibrated.




The Immunity Challenges are getting more and more bizarre. It’s as though they’ve handed the job of thinking up challenges over to a hippy commune.

Hippy one: It’s, like, wow, we need a metaphor for their struggle, so they can, like, work their anger out and achieve oneness.
Hippy two: Totally. They need to passively overcome their problems and find the key to the lock that will uncage the bird of freedom within their souls.
Hippy one: Oh, for real, I feel you. Also, we get to see Steph and Danni, bondage style.
Hippy two: Oh, *snap*. Remind me to make the next challenge another shower scene, please.

Goddamn hippies.

So, they did a bunch of twisting and fumbling an unlocking, and Steph won.

Wait a second… Steph? Steph finally won? On her 851st attempt! Oh My God she must be so proud! Her eyebrows are positively horizontal with delight!

I suppose we can give her a break. She was the head of the worst tribe ever in Survivor History, which is like saying that you’re only an honorary winner of a Darwin Award, owing to how you didn’t die in your accident.

Cindy did her best to get Rafe voted out, but Rafe fought back by singing BackStreet Boys songs and serenading the others.

Rafe: Ooh, yeah, baby, baby, ooh, yeah…. baby…

And with that, he gets into the Final Four. That leaves us with Unhygienix the Fish Monger, Obelix the Over-Eater, Cacophonix the Singer, and Danni, who ruined my analogy by not being like any of the Asterix characters.

They all win this week’s Shallow End of the Gene Pool Award, which is a bottle of Magic Potion. Hopefully they’ll drink it and not be boring next week.

This week, the winner of the Let This Person Breed More Award is Jeff, for smoking some good stuff when coming up with those challenges, mon. That is, when he’s not hanging with his Julie.

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