I am under no illusions: I am aware that I owe this whole Island Rat thing to one man. Or, rather, one head: Bobby Jon's head. I first met Bobby Jon on
Survivor: Palau, which coincided with the
start of The Island Rat. He has accompanied me and provided me with so much material. I am eternally grateful.
Here is a snippet of all of the best Bobby Jon moments, from the eyes of
The Island Rat:
From Survivor Palau:
Episode 2 - Head Bad is Born:Speaking of the reward challenge, I was pleased to see Bobby-Jon employing the tried and tested
Beat the crap out of myself training methodology. Crazy scientists use it to completely mess rats and mice up. "Well done, you got through the maze! As a reward, here's 1000 Volts!"
In a post Survivor interview, Bobby-Jon explains his behaviour:
Interviewer: So on that reward challenge, why did you beat yourself up so much?
Bobby: Head make bad thing. Head make Bobby do bad. Head bad. Hurt head, make head good.
Interviewer: ...
Episode 3:I'd love to get into Bobby-Jon's head. I wouldn't be too crowded in there, and I would have to deal with having to gawk with him at Angie's oh so subtly revealed nipples, but it would be fun to be in the bad head.
Bobby Jon's Head:10:41, Day 6: Challenge good. Bobby scream loud when win. We get clothes and sewing kit. Will use for fishing - pins for hooks, thread for line, and buttons for lures... shiny buttons, round and... so shiny. Bobby wonder what it taste li- *gack* Bobby nearly swallow button there. Not good idea. ...pause... Button fit up nose well.
12:01, Day 6: Need coconut. Hit coconut. OW! Coconut hit head! Must hit more coconuts! Kill coconuts! OW! All coconuts hit Bobby head! Coconuts bad. 06:35, Day 7: Went poopy. Must make nappy.
..................................
This week, the winner of the
Let This Person Breed More Award has to go to our shark-fishing, bag carrying, big-brass-ball owning, NYFD firefighter Tom.
As Bobby-Jon says:
" He is a man. A man amongst men. He's also a man amongst women, and small children. And pets. He is also a man when amongst farming equipment. He is, in fact, a non-woman."
Episode 8 - Bobby Jon bows out the first time:I had images of Luke Skywalker, taking on the Death Star, flying in low, using the Force, defeating the evil empire.
What I had not counted on, was Bobby Jon Skywalker - the dumb brother. Not so much blessed with the Force as blessed with the Shove.
………………….............................
Steph: Ok, let's get the puzzle on the board!BJ: Bobby Jon make puzzle fit *BAM*Steph: No no you can't force it-BJ: *BAM*Steph: No Bobby Jon don-BJ: *BAM*Steph: What is that in your mouth? Is that the chalk?BJ: Mrrphhmrrph... taste like cheese. Chalky cheese.
From Survivor: Guatemala:
Episode 1:Jeff did not want to idly stand by, even if this meant a split infinitive. He gave unto them of his greatest Tools Of Ridiculosity: Steph and Bobby Jon.
And it was good. Except for head. Head bad.
Episode 2:Blake: Man, I'm sad after voting out.. you know... Bobby Jon: Buddy? Yeah I'll miss him. Good ole... Buddy................
The Immunity Challenge was fun to watch. It was really the perfect sort of challenge for Bobby 'Sisyphus' Jon (look it up): mindlessly charging forward whilst tethered to something heavy (Yaxha).
Episode 3:The challenge ended in a building frenzy. It's sort of like a feeding frenzy, but slower, because that stuff is heavy. Bobby Jon went mad.
BJ: Aaaarg! Peg! Subtly place pole-thing in hole aarg! Gently attach rope Grrrr! Ferociously ensure parallel construction rooooar!
Episode 5:Bobby Jon's Head: Arrgh! Talk about big boobs makes Bobby Jon mad! Aaargh! Wooo! Damn, must stop doing that at inappropriate times............................................................................................................
I just want to take a moment here and thank whichever divine being created Bobby Jon (be it as a saviour for humanity or a way to pass time between seasons of Lost). he makes every scene worthwhile. He does nothing in half measures. He only ever does it full on, or not at all.
Full-on Bobby Jon is the Bobby Jon who screamed in triumph after his team lost the immunity challenge. You've gotta love the way he just gives 100%, even when no one's asking for it.
Full-on Bobby Jon is the Bobby Jon who shows us his ass when his team crosses the finish line after they actually won a challenge.
Not-on Bobby Jon is the Bobby Jon who says he won't vote for Blake, but then does, for no apparent reason at all. Then again, it's probably too much to ask him to differentiate between two people whose names start with 'B'.
Not-on Bobby Jon is the Bobby Jon who, when quizzed about the process of planting wheat, says "Well, you get some seed. Plant 'em."
I love Bobby Jon.
Episode 6:Brandon looked as though he wanted to go over to BJ and beat the sentence out of him.
Bobby Jon: I think... yes, I regret it.. but... it was, you know, one of those... um, the time had... if you look at it... come, so that when I ...Brandon: Aaarg! What *thwack* are *thwack* *swat* you *smack* trying *biff* to *bash* say!Bobby Jon: Wooo! Aaarg! Farble glubble!.........................................................................................................
For those of you who read this column, you'll note from this episode that I previously dubbed Bobby Jon 'Sisyphus' (read here for the legend of the man who pushed a giant ball up a hill all day, only to have it roll down. Forever. Or don't, 'cos that's basically the whole story). Well, didn't it look like Bobby Jon was at his most futile in this week's reward challenge. run run run *crash into ball*. *push push push* *lose anyway*.
His confrontation with Jamie will go down in survivor history, (nay! world history) (Nay! Only Survivor history) as one of the funniest moments ever. Tourette's Syndrome needs to be renamed for these two. This is a transcript of the confrontation, word for word, with a human translation accompanying it.
Jamie: Woooo! yeah!Bobby Jon: Snrrg! Woo! Arrrg! Woo! Grgbrle!Jamie: Yararararara!Bobby Jon: Garoooble! Ooble! Doo!Jamie: YarararaGrr!Bobby Jon: Aiee aiee aiee aiee!Translation:
Jamie: We have won a most splendid victory!Bobby Jon: We have unfortunately lost! Woo! Darn, I keep saying that inappropriately! Woo! there it is again!Jamie: Your chest must touch mine now. We will rub against each other in a totally non-gay way now.Bobby Jon: I am sticking out my tongue too! That means I'm angry! Angry!Jamie: I concede the tongue, but I will not yield! Chest! Chest! Bobby Jon: Well matched, good sir. I shall retire. Anon!.........................................................................................................
The
Let This Person Breed More Award goes to Bobby Jon. He's going to need all the little offspring he can get to help him push that stone up that hill.
Episode 7: I can just picture Bobby Jon's immune system now.
Bobby Jon's Immune System: Aaarrgh! Bacteria bad!
(Bobby Jon, on the other hand, proved to me that he is, indeed, 6 years old, when he claimed that his life-long dream is to be on a Survivor Jury.)
Episode 9:Let’s hear it, one more time, for Bobby Jon:
“Aaaargh! Wooooo!”*sniffle*
(In case you're wondering where the "Bobby-Jon is a Berserker" thing came from, I shamelessly stole it from
this article by
Claudia Fereirra).