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 Not too long ago, Jamie and Bobby Jon brought you Survivor’s first-ever monosyllabic argument. They topped that with Survivor’s first ever chest-duel, a prehistoric ritual amongst Neanderthals 10,000 years ago. It is clear that Bobby Jon is not the only caveman on Survivor.

Bobby Jon: Aaarg! Me come to your camp.
Jamie: Arg. You sleep outside cave.
Bobby Jon: Hrrg… Bobby Jon like it outside cave.
Jamie: Jamie want to sleep outside cave. YOU sleep inside cave.
Bobby Jon: Raarg! Bobby Jon outsmart Jamie.
Jamie: No, YOU sleep inside cave! Haha! Jamie outsmart Bobby Jon.
Bobby Jon: Bobby Jon confused! Woooo!

It’s like watching two babies play chess, the game ending in a draw because both players ate their kings.

You see, if these two guys were actual cavemen, there’s a good chance Bobby Jon would have evolved into man (well, some men…) Jamie, on the other hand, would have evolved into a very nice garden ornament; a gnome, perhaps, or a birdbath.


Predictably, the old Yaxha tribe came into their new tribe to a cold welcome. How would you react to being woken up by Bobby Jon? I’d probably scream and dash my brains out on a Mayan pyramid (which, incidentally, is not what the pyramids were used for, after the Mayans found out that they were really not much use for anything else).

In the morning, the old Nakum members sat on their thrones and watched as the hapless ex-Yaxha tribe-members attempted to get into the Nakum good books.

Danni: I’m carrying wood, please don’t vote me out.
Judd: Bring some more wood and we’ll see.
Danni: how much more?
Judd: Oh, say, 2 weeks worth?
Danni: but that would be enough wood for-
Judd: Didn’t I ask you to address me as ‘Sir’, wench slave-woman?

Degradation has never felt this dirty.


Steph, Lydia, Jamie and the rest of Nakum are complaining of two things: lack of food; and boredom. I have a solution that will be both exciting, and filling: eat each other. Cannibalism is fun for everyone!

I hated the way Steph acted regarding the lack of a merge feast. Does she need to feed her rampant eyebrows at regular intervals? That’s the only explanation I’ll take. As Bobby Jon said so lucidly:

Bobby Jon: You dun never go’n eat awn Survivor. You dun never gonna have been eatin’ food awn the last one, ya’ll dun not never go’n eat on the next Survivor. That’s just the way it is, ‘cos that just the way I said it.

Seriously, that’s what I hear when he speaks. Why can’t we have subtitles for him?

That same day, the tribes receive their flag and their flag paint. They had to paint the flag and come up with a new tribe name. Here are a few ‘first-draft’ flags that the tribe came up with.











Eventually, they settled on one that did not involve Bobby Jon, Jamie, Judd, or style. The tribe name was also deliberated on. Nakum decided that they would steal Yaxha’s cool X and tag it onto their name, thus stealing from them the last ounce of pride they had.

Yeah yeah, I know: I’m laying it on think…


So: Xhakum. What a stupid name. The other surprise was that there’s an immunity idol in the jungle. It’s apparently small, and wooden. I wonder how many time the jungle erupted with “I found it! I found it! I – wait, sorry, it’s just a log/a lizard/Judd.”

Everyone tried to act cool about it, not wanting to seem too overeager:

Judd: Hey Brandon, going for a walk?
Brandon: No I’m not… yes… WALK. Yes.
Judd: me too. Man, that immunity Idol could be anywhere. Not that I care.
Brandon: Me neither. It’s so stupid the Idol is so small, and the jungle is so OH MY GOD THERE IT IS OH NO IT’S NOT… nevermind. Anyway, small. It could be anywhere. Over there, or over there, or over-
Judd: But not over there. Not that I care.
Brandon: Me neither. I’m just going to go walk over this way.

The Immunity Challenge saw the survivor producers at their most sneaky. As if the tribes weren’t divided enough already, they allowed the over-cocky and under-intelligent Nakum tribe to show their true colours. And might I just add that this is the second time Steph has given up the possibility of immunity for food. Why does she even bother wondering why she has bad luck? I ‘d like to see her chalk this one up to bad luck. “I can’t stand doing so badly! I guess it’s bad luck that I accidentally alienated everyone and decided I was safe and above the other tribe. Man, what an unlucky break!”


Can you tell I’m losing respect for Steph? What was your first guess?

The Immunity Challenge itself was a bit of a surprise. I for one was shocked that Judd could concentrate on one thing for a whole hour. Perhaps the pot was resting on his Off button? Anyway, that was hardly the main focus of the challenge. The main focus was: how on earth could Bobby Jon both balance a pot AND talk out of his ass? It’s the same with Jamie: he could eat and talk out of his ass at the same time. These are some talented boys.


The Nakum block had made clear that their intention was to vote Brandon off because of his ability to win Immunities. Gary won Immunity. Already, we start to see that much of what Nakum does in the mental department is flawed.

Another thing I wonder about is: why not just vote Jamie off? He’s clearly an ass, you will still have numerical superiority, you can always take Judd to the Final Two, and there won’t be anyone stirring the pot at camp. You make your fringe members happy, and you can pick them off later in their happy giddiness.

But, this is Nakum: Tribe Of Steph. Tribe of Judd. Tribe of Ass. They don’t think. When you’re under the control of Jamie, of all people, you have lost all dignity.

They all win this week’s Shallow End of the Gene Pool Award.



The winner of the Let This Person Breed More Award is Jeff, for keeping us aware of the fact that not everyone is stupid.

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