Run! The Amazing Race 7 has begun! I know this to be true, because I saw Phil arch his eyebrow menacingly, before sending the teams off to their doom. The teams were dropped in by chopper, and briefed on their mission: to invade as many countries as possible. They have a limited supply of guided missiles and hand-grenades, and have to use them well.
Alright, alright. No more "America likes to invade other countries" jokes. But you have to admit, it was a very Army, Marine Corps opening. And with that POW guy on the show, you just know that it’s a setup for him to win. The other teams will have their flights mysteriously delayed, random locals will steal their luggage, and it'll all be the CIA's doing: the CIA and Phil, of course.
Or not.
The race got off to a quick start, with teams sprinting to their bags to read their clues before choosing a car and driving to the airport.
Ok, stop right there: why do they always have to sprint? Don't these people know anything about discretization? Flights don't leave at 8-second intervals at airports. Oooh, I made up 15 seconds by jogging, I'm going to win! Sure buddy. You run. I'll saunter over to my bag as you stumble over some of the bigger words in the clue, and try to figure out whether South America is still in America, possibly near Texas.
Mass confusion ensued once everyone had their clues and their cars (except for Rob and Amber, who decided to take it easy, which they can do, because they won Survivor. You didn't know? I could have sworn they made at least 542 jokes about it during the show).
"Let's go to the airport!"
"I'm not in your team!"
"Have you got a map?"
"I fell over and hurt myself!"
"We're on the wrong road!"
"We're not on a road!"
"Is the plane is full?"
"I concur!"
"Woo, we're in Peru!"
What the hell? I blinked and missed it all! It all happens so damn quickly.
The teams are all a blur to me right now. I have an image of one large, slightly older, gay, Boston blob on one aeroplane, and another girly/muscled/bandana wearing blob on another. Like a cross between Hulk Hogan and Pamela Anderson.
I can't
wait for some of these teams to leave...
Repetition Rules What is it about TAR contestants that make them think that everyone wants to hear anything about them more than once? Joe and Avi on Season 6 reduced any conversation to a joke about a New York Jew. POW Ron (who is quite clearly no longer a POW - the lack of bamboo under the fingernails and games of Russian Roulette gave that one away) seems to think that everyone wants to hear about the fact that he was a POW. And the fact that he had to take Bandana Man aside and whisper it to him like it were some sort of revered thing? I don't know about you but I wouldn't want to brag about being captured by the least good army on the planet.
Seriously.
Rob, as much as I love him, needs to find something other than Survivor to talk about.
"This fire made me feel like I'm back on Survivor."
"Hmm, this flight reminds me of the one I took last year, on my way to Survivor."
"I was on Survivor."
"Can I get two tickets to Peru? Also, Survivor."
It's the same thing with most of the other players (Really Patrick, you're gay?). They'll find something interesting about themselves and milk it like a goat on a hot Baghdad street... oh
crap, now
I'm doing it.
They'll sleep with us if we let them win Not everyone is thinking with their brains, not even Phil. For instance, he asked us "Who will be the last to finish and be eliminated?" Dude, how the hell should
we know? Isn't that
your job? Are you
trying to get fired for sleeping on the job?
The boys Brian and Greg let the Barbies, Megan and Heidi, go past them. They're such sweet guys. Of course they're trying to get laid. And it'll probably work, too, 'cos the Barbies are stupid. They nearly had an accident, and then pulled over
on a highway to catch their breath, nearly causing another one. You guys are on fire.
The older folks, bless them, aren't going to have to rely on their wits to compensate for their physical shortcomings because, alas, they have none. Said Meredith to Gretchen: "Is this a cab?" No, dude. It's an ice-cream truck. And then, when he fell over at the bus, he grabbed some poor local's crotch to break his fall. That's diplomacy at its best.
And then this half of episode 1 ended abruptly, just like this entry is going to do... now.
First Class Comp of the Day Ryan and Chuck, because anyone who wrestles with tractors and can speak Portuguese, and knows that Portuguese is like Spanish, well, you guys can have the Presidential Suite.
Stowaway of the Day Patrick, Debbie and Bianca are going straight into the luggage hold today. Patrick said he had watched Survivor and therefore knew that Rob was thick as two bricks. He's not going to be so funny when those two bricks kick his ass. This is Rob, not Robb. Go watch Survivor again.
Debbie and Bianca think that Rob and Amber shouldn't win again. I agree. Why should the best person win? It's my turn, dammit! I would win every time if it weren't for those pesky people who are better than me!
Postcard of the Day "Dear kids,
We're in the dog-gone jungle, and we rode a dag-nabbit bus to get to this hecking hot place. Your dad tripped and gosh darnit he slow-diddly-owed us up. We're up you-know-what-creek getting you-know-what'ed up the tooter. Darn all this to heckfire.
Mom and Dad."
Holiday Snapshot of the Day Here's one from Ron & Kelly's collection:
