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help a sista

Written by Lhozalisto from the blog intwezi monate on 24 Jun 2010
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Guys I need your help or should I say advise...There's this guy that I dated since last year. Now I break up with him evry now and then BUT i just cant resist him

He did staff that hurt me en im not innocent either. We fight and try to break up,but every time we see each other,we just get it on.....

I know he is MR WRONG, but cant help myself. Could I be loosing my mind

ai people whats the sista gotta do????????

79 Comments

Sana Lwam
24 Jun 2010 13:23

A sista's gotta find sum courage to let go and move on but I know its difficult especially if you stilll love him. Try avoiding any places he goes to until the feelings you have for him have decreased (I wanted to use another english word but the Queen's language has failed me)

mathata
24 Jun 2010 13:36

make sure he f*** you for the last time,while doing it think about PETER,you will know is MR WRONG,is not easy....but this can work.....i mean for real.

Vesa
24 Jun 2010 13:36

Lol @ Sana Lwam's advice.....but it is true!

maud
24 Jun 2010 13:42

i dont think you will get over him, it doesnt sound as if you are trying hard enough
find something to keep yourself busy, and i did not say someone i said something. stay away from places where you will meet him,delete his number
always think about the bad things he did to you the more you think about it the more angrier you became trust me you will forget him,

titidi
24 Jun 2010 14:13

Sista i knw very well how u feel, we are very attracted to the wrong guys and we don't have the courage to stay out for good sumtimes we dnt have guts to say no or to get rid of him.
I cannot tell u why i don't knw even myself.

Me i'm stuck with this Zulu guys, when I say Zulu guy i mean a farm boys who still ruled by ancient thing who believe's a woman's place is in kitchen and in bed other than that a woman has no say in anything and woman must be patient and wait for her man, if the man is cheating she mustn't ask where he comes from.

If he comes home late he except a good meal prepared for him if there was nothing cooked someone has to cook for him, he can't sleep with any empty stomach.

When I met him, he was dating a old woman she's the teacher they were staying together. I'm stuck between them, this woman is very rude to me, insecure and irrogant. Sistaz when ever I break up with him, he beat me up to dearth accusing me of cheating when he finish he will ask me if I want to go to the police his willing to drive me. He said I must forget abt breaking up with him nothing like that will happen any time soon.

Following day he will send msg's how sorry he is and akafuni ngam, he don't want to loose me bla bla bla.

I dnt have family around sometimes i think he's taking advantage of that.

Sista u not alone, I don't know how to be out myself, maybe respond from other sistaz will help

carino
24 Jun 2010 14:17

Shem

Akia
24 Jun 2010 14:30

@titidi r u working dear?

BigMama
24 Jun 2010 14:38

@titidi....Wena loKhethiwe are one and the same. You know what you have to do.

maud
24 Jun 2010 14:42

@titidi, phuma usaphila Sisi, go to the police my dear, i know his likes abafuni ukutshelwa, i also had my share of experience also in the hand of a zulu Man , no offend to all the zulus out there bare in mind i am also a Zulu speaking woman.
i am glaf eventually i manage to survive , i met another Zulu man but luckily this time he a very sweat person .sometimes rude but hey nothing i cant handle

MaBusi
24 Jun 2010 14:44

hay Tidi shiya lomuntu haw bandla!! Do u want him to kill u? If u can provide for urself just cut ties with him...

titidi
24 Jun 2010 14:53

@Akia yes i'm working actually we working together but he works out in the field(site). Money wise i'm not depanding on him. It's hard to be out guys i tried several times , i dnt knw if i'm a coward or what ,

@ maud if he beats me up again definatelty i will go to the police believe me

dali
24 Jun 2010 14:57

ti he will definitely beat u again, u dnt have to wait fo him to do it again, jst get out b4 he give u more bruises. he's not worth it @ all

BigMama
24 Jun 2010 14:58

@titidi, if you are staying together please l give you upto August to get your own place. You don't have to wait for him to beat you again to get out of that relationship, you might end up complete mental or physical damaged. Make a plan now sistas true love/ like does not hurt at all.

poshspice
24 Jun 2010 15:00

okay here we go: Find another guy, the one that really likes you but you don't really like, use him to get over this one. Be kind to him,remember he is helping you,don't make it too obvious that you are using him. Have fun and break up with him gently when the time is right!

The reality is we all get played intentionally or unitnentionally at times, it does not break us but makes us stronger, so that guy will get over it just like you have to get over the fact that you are played!!!

maud
24 Jun 2010 15:07

i know they say love is blind, if you can see that he is not a good man for you, i am not saying there are good man out there but there are better man out there, if you can see that , just pray , take the first step leave the dog, i can stand a man who shout or scream because i can scream back at him but who beat me sorry uyangihlanyisa, uma esengikhiphe amzinyo ngizothandwa ubani.

realist
24 Jun 2010 15:08

Find another guy, the one that really likes you but you don't really like, use him to get over this one.
How does she go and find him? Does she go and hunt for the man or is it the other way around. How does she play him? Sound easy what you just said but in reality it does not work that way unless the guy is inexperienced.

Akia
24 Jun 2010 15:11

@titidi so we hav emoney issues out of the way, now you need 2get out of dat hellhole & start afresh create your own happiness, live yo dreams, life is 2short 2live like that, its not 2late 2start over, you are stronger then you think jst do it 4those who really love u if u cannot do it 4yoself. PHUMA

ntoko
24 Jun 2010 15:22

Well guys am not an expert but i will definitely say abuse have no race it depend how u were brought up , most abusive people were raised by single parents u can either agree or disagree but i am also talking from experience,therefore I know what its like to fall in love not by choice but by force and once u are in that type of relationship u loose trust and hope completely. Most single ladies today never chose to be single but they had different tough experience regarding love life even though they are lonely but they prefer to do so that being unhappy. The sad part is that most kind and caring ladies tend to meet rough partners, u can't change a person therefore the best thing to do is leave an abusive relationship because it will never work unless u both get a proper counselling or something.

So i won't judge a sista instead i will pray for her to see the light oneday and never let a person scare u he dnt own u the law is the law rather report him speak out now or forever hold your peace if you dnt help yourself nobody will....

maud
24 Jun 2010 15:30

thats true ntoko, i will have to disagree on the raised by single parents issue, i think it depends on the individual, although to be abusive you have to experience certain abuse in your life wether at school or at home or in previous relationships.

BigMama
24 Jun 2010 15:32

@ntoko...unamanga on saying most abusive people were raised by single parents.

BigMama
24 Jun 2010 15:33

@maud...True that it depends on the individual

ntoko
24 Jun 2010 15:42

ok guys i would like to apologise regarding that single parent issue the reason why i am saying this is because if we can sit down and analys the word "abuse""
That alone will require another article because abuse goes with a certain anger most people are cowards enough not to face their problem or confess about things that are worrying them but instead ther revenge by taking it out to somebody else so i dnt know guys i never was abusive in my life m too sensitive but i have been there

mathata
24 Jun 2010 15:51

tjo titidi......that is hell planet.i have small symphaty for you,i do the same bcs you dont care about ppl that loves you most(mother)

whos going to take care of your mom when shis sick or old?you are f** selfish bitch.your mom raise you to benefit in future,is how you repay her????im F** pissed off,i hateit when ppl throw their lives under bus.

you are not the first person to be abused.

maud
24 Jun 2010 15:53

not realy Ntoko, some people are on the power trip, some man will try very hard to claim their position in a relationship to an extend that he does not even notice that its being abusive,

abo ,dont speak when i speak , you see, i am a man, and there are those who dont want to see a woman being successfull it drives them mad. so yes you are right there are many ways of abuse, spiritualy immotional and sexualy.

BigMama
24 Jun 2010 15:58

kwa kwa kwa , l love you mathata because you never sugarcoat, you tell it like it is...Keep it up.

Akia
24 Jun 2010 15:59

@mathata not as pissed as i am i jst hate ppl who dnt wanna use their heads........let me stop ryt there because i'll end up saying things i don't wanna say

mathata
24 Jun 2010 16:02

So true maud,But is too much for human being to sit on top of that *bleep!*.i better die bcs of cancer not someone stress.

poshspice
24 Jun 2010 16:03

@realist it does work..maybe the word 'using the person' is harsh but there are those people of opposite sex who really like you but you don't really feel them but they are there for you when you need to talk etc. when times like this comes, the person you really love dissapoints you, you go back to your database and look for one to keep you busy and help you get over the other person, a shoulder to cry on....

getting over a person you are too attached to on your own is a real challenge, you need very strong support to help you break the circle

maud
24 Jun 2010 16:03

easy said when you are not the one on this situation, if you have ever been in love you will undestand.you dont fall in and out of love just like that.
qina Sisi God loves you, tough times dont last but tough people do.

mathata
24 Jun 2010 16:15

iv been there,hell of d story,that punk nearly killed,but bcs of him .....i walk tall,i know the value of life.

bo thomas magola ka bona,God has nothing to do with this n is not the devil work,lazy to think.stupidity..........,ok i will takeit like shis stupid SLOW LEARNER

Yehake!
24 Jun 2010 16:16

hey guys... i haven't been blogging for years(like literally)... but this topic kind of touched my soul especialy when @titdi shared her experience... somehow i know I know what needs to be done but i am not brave enough to say it, I am Xhosa girl and datin a Xhosa man who cheats as though it is a commandment in the bible.. and somehow i know i should leave as that on its own is emotional abuse...BUT

part of me feels as though he will suffer without me, the winter wil make a victim of him, he will sleep on an empty stomach **mind you the man was geeting by before i met him** but when i look at how he has changed since he met me, i shudder at the thought that one day someone will point at him and say "the guy with unmatching socks is her ex-boyfriend" or " that dude with a dirty shirt is her ex-boyfriend"........ weird i know.. but somehow we women tend to "nyamezela or bear" things that we realy shouldn't especialy since we not married to the okes..... and sometimes you tell yourself "kukufutshane phambili" or the destination is closer than the point of departure.....

Damn, even though it might not be physical we women tend to bear some form of abuse........so @titidi and @listo... deep down you know what needs to be done and when the time has come YOU WIL DO IT .. belive me!!!

maud
24 Jun 2010 16:26

iam Xhosa girl and datin a Xhosa man who cheats as though it is a commandment in the bible..- yaa ne , you finished me there dont mean to laugh mara hei life is so unfair

the time is now , do it now before its too late,

Yehake!
24 Jun 2010 16:29

@maud we always think Zulu men are abusive but Xhosa men think they are too smart about it.....it's like there is a college somewhere where they learn the art of deceiving a woman and they have "the key to her heart " as a major!!!! damn!!!

Holiday
24 Jun 2010 16:29

@Tiditidi you are a good example of how to set a bad example….sesi.

mathata
24 Jun 2010 16:46

tjo i thought xhosas when they date each is like heaven...Tea set mos ....,tjo they can lie (men),i know one whos Diplomat every 4thyear he travels with different wife.

GML
24 Jun 2010 17:04

You know exactly what you need to do. You just want people to tell you what to do.

It's a simple case of not taking responsibility for your actions. You know he is Mr wrong but you keep doing the same mistake.

Hearing what bloggers think about your situation will not make it easier nor will it make the problem go away.

You know what you need to do, do it.

A sister needs to take responsibility and remember that tehre are those who will learn from her mistakes. What kind of a lesson does the sister want to those behind her to learn?

titidi
25 Jun 2010 08:47

@ mathata u might think u were harsh and whatever but at the end of the day you helped me in a way you can't described I THANK YOU ALL , I will do the right thing,I have courage and I feel strong I know i can do it. When is done I will come back to you all and tell. My apology for disapponting woman's world.

Lex
25 Jun 2010 09:51

Yaa ne,kunzima emhlabeni! I have a friend going through the same sh!t,I dont know how many times we've spoken to her to leave the bugger but its like she just does not hear us. I dont know monna ole o mo jesitseng...

Lhozalisto
28 Jun 2010 10:06

i thank u all guys....and i ignord his cols the whole wikend..he sent crazi smsses...that guy is crazi! can sum1 pls tel me y does he cheat mara he doesnt want me to evn vist my frends,he gets jelas....bt nw i think im gonna liv him

Lhozalisto
28 Jun 2010 10:12

landoda sent me an sms ethi if ukhe wava dat ndiajola....uzandbetha andihkubaze ikuku.....i laughed yazi,he's mad

Nokia 5110
28 Jun 2010 10:39

@ Lhazalisto lmao GPY!!!!!!!!

TheLady
28 Jun 2010 10:49

"uzandbetha andihkubaze ikuku" hehehehehehe hayi no uyakwazi shame ukukhuluma...

wena titidi I hope usuyekile kuba yisiphukuphuku.

Mina...I'm learning that younger men are sooo eager to please...

Vesa
28 Jun 2010 11:01

@ TheLady how many year's difference is acceptable?

TheLady
28 Jun 2010 11:09

Vesa dearest-as long as he doesn't look like your son forget the years difference. Just make sure he ain't a jailbet. Mine is 4 yrs younger...

Pooky
28 Jun 2010 11:20

Mina...I'm learning that younger men are sooo eager to please...

TRUE!!!

Pooky
28 Jun 2010 11:23

The Lady..mine is 2yrs younger....aveh emuhle upuchununu wami hehehe

TheLady
28 Jun 2010 11:27

Zinhle lezingane Pooky!! And they are 'gifted' baphiwe maaan!

titidi
28 Jun 2010 11:38

@TheLady "wena titidi I hope usuyekile kuba yisiphukuphuku. "

I'm in a process yokuyeka slowly but surely, but ukuba sisiphukuphuku bendikakabisiso but until ubesezihlangweni zam.

Vesa
28 Jun 2010 11:45

Vesa dearest-as long as he doesn't look like your son forget the years difference. Just make sure he ain't a jailbet. Mine is 4 yrs younger..

kwa kwa kwa kwa! Thanks.....dear!

Vesa
28 Jun 2010 11:48

The Lady..mine is 2yrs younger....aveh emuhle upuchununu wami hehehe

@Pooky.....You are hilarious!!!

mathata
28 Jun 2010 12:08

im on my 3..s girls,ndifuna inyatsi,but he must be a venda,pedi or shangaan.even 22 im fine.aslong ke sa robale ka tlala.

TheLady
28 Jun 2010 12:19

hehehe mathata...Pumas unite!

Good for you titidi..it's about time!

Olwethuthando
28 Jun 2010 13:44

@The Lady....Mina...I'm learning that younger men are sooo eager to please...

You are so write about younger men......mine is 3years younger than me and he's so loving and caring...........

Sips
28 Jun 2010 13:45

Jah Xhosa’s are the masters in cheating with an understanding of course with the other woman they’re cheating with - I left my ex fiancé last year February – we dated when I was 19 years, I was still staying at home studying and he had already finished studying and working in ct – I’d visit and all and all was great (so I thought)… when my friends would talk about their guys cheating and all I’d think I was the luckiest woman on earth coz my man hasn’t never given me any reason to think he was cheating – every time I visit I visited him I never saw anything ebonakalisa tht he was cheating – I’d call when ever and stay for as long as I wanted bt there was nothing ethi uyajola – thn in 2006 I got a job in CT – we were both excited and all, I moved in with him coz I didn’t have any friends here, he was the only person I knew (I was going to stay with him for only 3 month – coz by then I knew I’d have managed to buy my own stuff and all)

Then the following day after I arrived with all my suitcases – a chick came and dumped a 4 months baby – if u guys saw Fats reaction when he saw Mpumi with Zondi in Rhythm City…I was exactly like tht…words couldn’t come out of my mouth…. How can I not see this, how can he fool me like this, how can he got her pregnant, how can he not use protection – I had all sorts of question…Now the “other woman” was pissed off coz he was telling her that my woman is going to be staying with me so lets break it and I’ll support the child nd blab la bla… he cried on me saying how sorry he was and all – I loved my man so much and he was the man who treated me like a diamond, who would put up with my moods, who accepted me and my family just as we were – so I forgave him,

After the three months he pleaded with me to stay with him – I gave in and we moved from where he was staying and stayed somewhere else together. May 2007 we got engaged, the plan was to get married this year… in the Middle of 2008 – yho umntu wantshinga (he changed) I was earning more than him (have always been earning more but it wasn’t an issue) we shared the rent and the groceries – but when ever we run out of something it was my problem – or we needed something I’d be the one making buying or making sure that it happens (but that helped me a lot at the end coz I said ezkakhesare kukhesare – my stuff to me)

I started making friends and he wouldn’t want me to visit them, he always wanted me to be at home – he’d even say call ur friends and ask them to come so that u can watch dvd’s together while he goes out clubbing with his friends. Sometimes my friends would be busy with their things nd I’d be alone – if I go out with my friends he’ll be calling me non stop asking me when am going home (mind he’s not there, he’s out) He stopped inviting me to go out with – he’d say – babe I wish I can invite u but it’ll just be us guys and u’d be bored…and when I say come on I’ve gone out with u and be the only female nd that was never the case – then he’ll be defensive and create an argument so that he can pretend he’s pissed off – funny thing he’s friends would call me and ask why didn’t I come with…

Then he stopped complimenting me – if we go out – even if am all dressed up I’d have to asked if I looked beautiful and he’s say yes with an annoyed tone and when I asked what to wear he’s just say I don’t know just get dressed so that we can go – then if a guy on th street complements me he’ll be worked up and ask why was the guy complementing me…he’d be so distance the entire

TheLady
28 Jun 2010 13:56

yiza nendaba Sips ngiza namehlo mina.

Sips
28 Jun 2010 14:02

not coming back – this one time I went with a woman from next door to her church, he was phoning saying yicawe etheni le ingaphumiyo what kind of a church this is that doesn’t finish) On my birthday I’d have to tell him that today its my birthday (before I didn’t have to tell him) and he’d say oh okay happy birthday – when I give him the look he’d say I don’t even know when is my kid or my dad’s birthday and am not a birthday person

This other time I was on leave and went home – I came back on a Saturday morning and in the afternoon a woman came to our place looking for him – he was so shocked and he quickly told he to leave – when I asked who she was he said someone he was chatting to at the nearby pup – I asked what was she doing at our place – he said he didn’t know…and that was it – when I asked more he got angry and said what more did I wanted him to say he doesn’t know what was she doing there… then this other time he went out Friday come back on Sunday again….we were answering each other phones – so I think it was a weekend and he was all lovely dovely….and I was playing with his phone – then I went to his imagines and I saw a photo of a girl when I checked the date it was the weekend he went out and didn’t come back…ths bitch was like those chicks that shows G-strings when they get out of a taxi…someone who doesn’t qualify to be in my league…I was more pissed off at that more than anything…how the hell can he mix me with crazy chicks like that…wouldn’t he find someone I could compete with?? And I again he didn’t know who she was and how the photo got there…

After that it was like exactly as my mom said - I didn’t phone anyone to cry to or ask what they thought about what I’ve decided – I told my am moving out – u know there minute I told myself that I felt so much peace within - I told him and he tried to stop me and told me that he loved me blab blab bla…i said that’s just not enough and I love u too but this is too much for me – am not happy in this relationship and u’re not happy too – so we don’t make each other happy…he couldn’t believe it – he couldn’t believe that I was moving out – I found a place and moved – u know when I was moving my stuff he was sleeping, he didn’t even help – but I had hired guys to help me –

When I decided to move out I hadn’t stop loving him but I just couldn’t carry on leaving like that – crying almost everyday, being a nuisance in his life… He then told me that he wants a break so that he can think and he agrees that we don’t make each other first – but we must tell the families about this – we must just spend sometime apart and talk again – then we decide if we want to get married or not – I knew that was he’s way of breaking up with me – I was hurt that it took him this long to finally say it but it was going to be okay, told my family that the engagement was over – am so glad I had asked him to start the negotiations this year – imagine if they had already paid it was going to be more complicated… I told myself that I needed to focus on something to get over him – I focused on church but I didn’t get over right away – it tool me 15 months to completely get over him – now he sends me messages saying I must know that he‘s very sorry for hurting me and that I must know that he loved me…like what the heck??

So mna I think when ones has decided what to do she won’t ask other people’s opinions she’ll do exactly what she knows she should do…