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The good news is I now have a way of distinguishing between generically good-looking white guy leader types, Aaron and Dave, besides them being on completely different teams. Dave is the one who’s a massive jackass.

In a move they undoubtedly regretted later, his team nominated him as Official Team Leader. Dave was reluctant and claimed that he didn’t really want to lead but someone had to step up so it might as well be him. For someone who didn’t want to lead, he sure does relish ordering people around.

Some people have greatness thrust against them. Dave is not one of these people. He decided he would mimic the leadership style of the fine Chinese government and put his tribemates to work at the expense of any free time and luxuries. By luxuries, I mean things like food and sleep.

Little Jamie wished that they would be able to build a fire and eat something before embarking on Chairman Dave’s project to build the Great Fire Pit. Chairman Dave told Comrade Jamie that she could keep on wishing because they sure as hell weren’t going to eat anything before his pit was built.

Pokerface

In contrast to the happy worker atmosphere of John Woo, the attitude towards work was a wee bit more relaxed over at Failing. Castaways had time to chat, plot, and even sleep. Jean-Robert was particularly fond of the last one, and the soothing sounds of his snoring filled the air.

Jamie made fun (I have a feeling I’ll be typing these words a lot) of JR, calling him the tribe’s D-student. That means a lot coming from the bitchy cheerleader of the tribe. The rest of the tribe, led by Aaron, decided to confront JR out on his lazy ways and told him he needed to start pulling his weight. Does sawing logs not count as work?

JR revealed that this was all part of his poker strategy. His plan is to sloth around for the first few days so that when he does finally step up, people will appreciate his contribution more. Brilliant idea…unless he gets voted out before then. Or, unless first impressions stick and his tribemates continue to resent him for the rest of the season. So, maybe not such a good idea after all.

Also strategising were Todd and Amanda. They decided to form an alliance and bring in Aaron as thier third person. Aaron would be the mouthy, obvious alliance member who would divert attention from them. Good plan. Todd may have an inflated opinion of his own intelligence but so far he’s on the right track, strategically.

Kidnapped

The Reward Challenge was the blurriest ever. Think mud-wrestling with lots and lots of clothes-pulling. The editors must have had quite the ordeal pixelating all those naughty bits. Heck, Ashley and Sherea alone must have nearly exhausted their supply of pixels for the season.

Failing emerged victorious, as well as semi-nude. Jeff allowed them to kidnap a member of John Woo to hang around with them until the next challenge. They picked little ray of sunshine, Jamie. She did not seem as disappointed in this as you’d expect, probably because she knew she would finally get to eat something. Jeff also gave her a message bearing advice from our old friend Sun Tzu which went like this:

Immunity idols are valuable things
Like sponsored rewards and diamond rings
This note has instructions on how to find one
So be sure to give it to someone real dumb

Jamie heeded these wise words and gave the instructions to Leslie. This perked Leslie up considerably as she had been feeling depressed without her bible around. She said how draining it was being unable to spend time with the Lord. You’d think someone with a close personal relationship with God wouldn’t need a bible to be able to have a chat with him. Is the bible her modem to heaven? Can’t she pray, I don’t know, IN HER HEAD?!

Leslie saw Jamie’s gift as a sign from God. I’ve heard he works in mysterious ways – I don’t think bad poetry on a reality show is one of them. Even though the clue basically said the idol was right in front of her, she could not figure out its location. The fool decided to go to Todd and tell him what the clue was. Todd was surprised she’d be so dumb as to tell another person where the idol could be. I’m more surprised she’s fraternizing with the gay guy without telling him tales of Sodom and Gomorrah and how ass-banditry leads to the fiery pits of hell.

Jamie’s presence in Failing was felt in other ways. Aaron and Jean-Paul decided to argue right in front of her which led Courtney to complain about how dumb they were for giving her valuable info about the dynamics of the tribe. Jamie didn’t mind their idiocy and decided to tell her tribemates about her fun spy adventure as soon as she got home.

Ashley’s failed regime change

The most important thing to know about the Immunity Challenge is that John Woo lost again and Chairman Dave almost died of exhaustion. Maybe if he’d eaten something in between building fire pits and bossing people around, he might not have sucked so hard.

Two people were obviously on the chopping block: Ashley and Dave. Ashley had gotten seriously annoyed with the Glorious Leader’s patronizing, while the Glorious Leader didn’t like Ashley arguing with him. Dissent is banned in the People’s Democratic Workers’ Republic of Soviet Daveonia.

“If Ashley wants a fight, I’m happy to give it to her,” Chairman Dave said. Dude, I wouldn’t be so gung ho about going head to head with the wrestler chick if I were you. I’m pretty sure she could pile-drive you into the ground without a second glance – that’s if she didn’t crush your head between those two melons on her chest first.

The other tribemates, led by Jamie, debated which of the two would leave. Kicking one out would get rid of most of the tension in the tribe, they thought. Yes, and if that one was Dave, it would also get rid of the starving bellies, collapse from overworking, and mysterious disappearances of dissenters during the night.

Ashley believed that any chance to convince her tribemates of Dave’s evil would make her sound like a crazy person. Her only hope, she said, was to convince her tribe of this at TC instead. Because crazy rants sound better in the firelight? Who knows.

She made a decent showing of calling out Chairman Dave’s stank behaviour at TC. She even got a few of her tribemates to agree that yes, Dave was the Survivor equivalent of the pointy-haired boss from Dilbert. It was all in vain as the rest of her tribe unanimously voted for her over Dave. All hail Chairman Dave! He will lead the John Woo Workers’ Party into victory! Until they no longer think they need his hardworking ass and vote him out.

Today’s excerpt from The Art of War: Survivor Abridged Version:

Some day you may rule the ring
But the title’s never yours to keep
One rival gone but there’s always more
Waiting to kill you in your sleep

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