The second season of
Everybody Hates Chris hits it's halfway mark on SABC1 tonight so I thought it would be an excellent Friday idea to get hysterical at some Chris Rock quotes - not from scenes from the show but from the stand-up Chris's grown into:
Here are some classics from his live shows and different appearances with a warning: NSFW aka explosions of laughter. Enjoy!: *Think of his voice while you read for extra impact:*
Gun control? We need bullet control! I think every bullet should cost 5,000 dollars. Because if a bullet cost five thousand dollar, we wouldn't have any innocent bystanders.
You know 'the stripper myth.' The stripper myth is: 'I'm stripping to pay my tuition.' No you're not! There's no strippers in college! There's no clear heels in biology! *bleep!*, I didn't know they had a college that only took one-dollar bills. If they've got so many strippers in college, how come I never got a smart lap dance? I never got a girl that sat on my lap and said: 'If I was you, I would diversify my portfolio. You know, ever since the end of the Cold War, I find NATO obsolete.' I haven't met her yet. If I do, she's gonna get a big tip.
Black people yelling 'racism!'. White people yelling 'reverse racism!'. Chinese people yelling 'sideways racism!. And the Indians ain't yelling *bleep!* cos they dead. So everybody bitching about how bad they people got it, nobody got it worse than the American Indian, everyone needs to calm the *bleep!* down.
Doctors don't cure *bleep!*! They don't cure *bleep!*! The last disease doctors cured was polio, when's the last time you met someone with polio?
There are only three things women need in life: food, water and compliments.
Who's judging American Idol? Paula Abdul? Paula Abdul judging a singing contest is like Christopher Reeve judging a dance contest!
You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon.' Need I say more?
You don't pay taxes - they take taxes.
Don't argue! You cannot win, you cannot beat a woman in a argument. It's impossible - you will not win. Cause men, we are handicapped when it comes to arguing 'cos we have a need to make sense.
If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near fourty.
School shootings were invented by blacks ... and stolen by the white man.
Charlie Brown is the one person I identify with. C.B. is such a loser. He wasn't even the star of his own Halloween special.
Everyone has favourite criminals. Mine are pimps. We can all rob a bank; we can all sell drugs. Being a pimp is a whole other thing.
(In an interview for Live Earth:) I hope that Live Earth ends global warming the same way Live Aid ended world poverty.
People always say that we can't have gay marriage because marriage is a sacred institution, that happens in the church. It's sacred... no it's not! Marriage ain't sacred! Not in America! Not in the country that watches "Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire?" or "The Bachelor" or "The Bachelorette" or "Who Wants to Marry a Midget?" Get the *bleep!* outta here!
A man is basically as faithful as his options.
We were so poor my daddy unplugged the clocks when we went to bed.
I love music. Music is the soundtrack to the crappy movie that is my life.
Everytime a man's being nice to you (women), he's offering you dick.
Hollywood's just not funny. You walk around and think 'Where's the funny at?' It's not there - all there is is a bunch of directors and actors walking around. I like going into a diner and meeting real people. Funny is where the real people are.
At least they're trying to get rid of AIDS. Some diseases they just gave up on. Some diseases if you get them, you're on your own. They ain't going to have no telethon for you. R Kelly ain't singing no song. You just got this *bleep!*.
The government hates rap. That's why they don't arrest anybody that kills rappers! Only the good ones are dead, man! Only the good ones: Biggie dead, Tupac dead, Vanilla Ice - still alive! They don't fill out a police report! They don't even have a chalk line when it's a dead rapper; they just take a piss around the body.
(
On the Columbine Massacre) Everybody is wanting to know what music were the kids listening to or what movies were they watching. Who gives a *bleep!* what they was watching! Whatever happened to
crazy? What? You can't be crazy no more? Should we eliminate crazy from the dictionary?
White man makes guns? No problem. Black rapper says 'Guns'? Congressional hearing.
(
On R Kelly's sex tape) He's got a lot of balls. Talkin' bout "it ain't me". Got a damn sex tape out; "it ain't me". Motherfucker we know what you look like. That's you, ok? There's a damn Soul Train award right next to the bed.
Everybody's so busy wanting to be down with the gang: "I'm conservative, I'm liberal, I'm conservative". *bleep!*! Be a *bleep!* person! Lis-ten! Let it swirl around your head. Then form your opinion. No normal, decent person is one thing, ok? I've got some *bleep!* I'm conservative about, I've got some *bleep!* I'm liberal about. Crime, I'm conservative. Prostitution, I'm liberal!
Janet done lost her damn mind, whipping out a titty on a Sunday afternoon. A titty on a Sunday afternoon! 40 year old titty? Your man's titty! 20 year old titty? Community titty!
Whoever you hate will end up in your family. You don't like gays? You're gonna have a gay son. You don't like Puerto Ricans, you're daughter's gonna come home with Livin' la Vida Locaaa!!!
A man lie is 'I was at Kevin's house!' a woman lie is like, 'It's your baby!'
You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain't no happiness nowhere.
So if you're black or brown you can make money in America, you can get rich in America ... but whatever you decide to do it better be positive, cause if one person is harmed you will be destroyed. You see Oprah - she just be giving away money. She's doing that to keep the Feds off her back.
I was at Michael Jackson's house, and this kid runs out, 'Wait, save me!'
This movie's so good I gotta bust a cap in it!
It's my real name. My mother's name is Rose Rock. It was the worst name as a kid to have. They called me Piece of the Rock, Plymouth Rock, Joe Rockid, and Flintstones. Now they call me MISTER Rock
Chris as President Mays Gilliam in Head Of State:You ask for a pension, they give you a pen. Now what the hell am I supposed to do with a damn pen? I should just stab you in the neck with this pen.
You show me a grown man that's never said *bleep!* and I'll show you somebody that's full of *bleep!*!
I'm the Government, I can do anything.
There's no such thing as white-collar crime. And there's definitely no such thing as black-on-black crime. Crime is crime. Let me explain something to you. I don't care if you have a white collar or a tank top. If you rob me, I'm gonna whup your ass.
The guy's avoiding me like he owes me child support.
I live in a neighborhood so bad that you can get shot while getting shot.
One of my fave Chris moments is him at The Oscars - I lurrve that they'll never forget nor forgive him for hosting them. Some quotes:Our next presenter is the first woman to ever breast-feed an Apple - Gwyneth Paltrow.
The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, 'If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl!
Black movies don't have real names, they have names like Barbershop. That's not a name, it's just a location.
They like to say there's over 100 stars out tonight. No there's not. There's only four real stars. The rest are just popular people. Clint Eastwood is a star. That's a star.... Tobey Maguire is just a boy in tights.
You want Russell Crowe and all you can get is Colin Farrell? Wait. Alexander is not Gladiator.
My all-time humdinger: Who is Jude Law?? Why is he in every movie I've seen in the last four years? Even if he's not acting in it, if you look at the credits he makes the cupcakes or something.
Coming up on Everybody Hates Chris tonight (at 19h00):Episode 11: Everybody Hates EggsFor a lesson on parenting skills, Chris is given an egg to take care of as if it were his child. When the electricity bill is over budget, Julius decides to figure out why. Drew a werewolf? That's what Tanya thinks, so she's afraid to sleep.
Some Chris fast facts:He was discovered by Eddie Murphy.
He got a Hollywood Star Of Fame in 2003.
He's the eldest of seven children and not three (as depicted in Everybody Hates Chris).
He got paid $600 for his movie debut role in 1987 in Beverley Hills Cop 2 and he got paid $2, 000 000 for his role in Lethal Weapon 4 in 1998.
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PS, Question: Is this true?? : "Everytime a man's being nice to you [women], he's offering you dick."