Welcome to Maxi's penultimate recap of ANTM. Last week's episode ended with Scarymara the tranny getting her marching papers.(Quick update: AAT's petition to bring back Tranny was not sucessful,thank G-spot!) This week's episode began with the gals feeling a bit insecure.
Catie whined (as if she does anything else) about how the judges don't like her. My advice: Charm the male judges with your skimpy clothes,but then again scrap that. They'll probably give you dirty looks because they wish they could look good in a freakum dress. It seems Catietysis has spread to April,who whined to Sara about how she's so misunderstood. Sara told her to organise a pity party.
The gals went to a restaurant and one of the gals proudly flaunts her beer belly. Oh my,I didn't know this programme was called America's Next Top Fatso. Shandi dined on pickles with tomatoes. No wonder she looks like a walking corpse. One of the gals made a comment which broke Catie's porcelain feelings. This girl is starting to get on my damn nerves. She cries about every damn thing. I wonder if she cries when she suffers from piles.
Tyramail arrives the following day and Camille debuts her new Lips. Everyone asks what happened and she says it's an allergic reaction. I'm not fooled though. I'm sure one of the following scenarios happened:A. She had a catfight with an evil spirit. B. She was test-driving her new broomstick and fell. C. She went to the same plastic surgeon that Hunter Tylo used and gave her a botched lip job.
The gals meet our homeboy Gay Jay (His dad's South African) and he informs them that they'll take black and white pics or beauty shots. Mercedes-Benz looks like Mona Lisa,Yoanna looks shaggalicious,Shandi looks like she was bitch-slapped with a sardine while Camille looks like an evil goldfish.Icky icky poo!
A cryptic Tyramail arrives and the gals try in vain to figure out what it means. They shouldn't have bothered because they have an IQ of a housefly. The following morning the gals meet Tyra and her homegirl,Miss Thang, who happens to be an acting coach. Her major acting role was an extra on Glitter. Miss Thang has to asess the gals' acting abilities. Yeah right,a comatose patient could give an Oscar winning compared to those twits.
Miss Thang hands the gals a piece of paper and they have to visualise something traumatic on that paper and then tear it up. April visualised a Hello Kitty bag and started crying,Shandi visualised her fugly boyfriend and started crying too. I don't blame her though,I'd also cry if I had a boyfriend who looks like he has Down's Syndrome.. Catie visualised herself with long hair and also burst into tears. Eventually everyone was crying their eyes out when Camille walked in and asked if they were having a PMS Convention.
The gals then had to do another exercise which involved one of the gals repeating what the other girl is saying. It was a useless exercise because the gals were acting cranky and spewing gibberish,with the exception of the Ice Queen, who was automatically upgraded to Miss Thang's hitlist. I'm glad that Camille was sensible enough to not act like a middle-aged woman who's having hot flashes. The gals were given a script to memorise for the next day.
The following day arrives and the gals are ready for their big challenge. The gals meet Miss Thang and introduces them to some actor from some well-known D-Grade soapie(No,it's not Days.) The sight of this actor send Shandi's ovaries toyi-toyiing with lust. April gives an Oscar winning performance as the weeping widow,Shandi shoves her tongue down the poor bloke's throat. Nee man,Shandi! Asphyxiation is not sexy! Catie gave a lifeless performance and came up with some excuse that she can only kiss her boyfriend passionately. Bitch please! Now is not the time to act like a prude when you look like a seasoned hooker. Saving the best for last,Camille delivers a Razzie Award winning performance by overacting and changing the lines of the script. She expected a standing ovation but was met by a chorus of boos. April eventually won the challenge and dragged Crybaby along for her bling shopping spree.
The Ice Queen whines about how she was treated unfairly. After all,this is Camille we're talking about: Winner of a gazillion Oscars,"Last year's ANTM winner" and the second coming to Jesus. But every dark cloud has a silver lining because the casting directors from Passions and Backstage were so impressed by her performance that they offered her a role on their respective soapies. My sources tell me that she has accepted her new role as a troll on Passions.
Tyramail arrives and the gals had to meet the broken-wrist duo,Gay Jay and James Gay. They told them that they'll shoot a new commercial but alas,Catie,they'll have to be filmed having a catfight whilst they're midair with the help of suspension ropes. Catie starts doing what she does best. April busts some kung-fu moves(she obviously took my advice) and gives Camille another swollen lip. Catie tries to get out of this sticky situation by offering Gay Jay sex in exchange for not participating on the challenge. She would've had better luck trying to sell ice-cream in hell. She eventually did the challenge.
The gals then had to film the pay-off line. Catie sounded like a horserace commentator while April was on point. Camille sounded like she was sucking something. Use your imagination to determine what that something is.
Eliminataion night came up and the gals had to say a line in a humorous or seductive manner. Shandi's attempts to impersonate Paris Hilton fell flat. She can always release a sex tape though. That'll make the judges sit up and take notice. Camille's drag queen impersonation got a frosty reception from the judges. Sara had to be restrained with a straight jacket while Yoanna had to flash her goodies to get some laughs.
The sword hangs over the heads of Camille, who's told that she has the acting ability of a cardboard and Catie,who according to Vampira Dickinson, looks like a child prostitute. Catie gets the chop and does an encore performance of her fugly cry. She then starts cursng the day she chopped her locks and vows to track down Britney Spears for her cheap hair extensions and wigs. She also vowed to organise a worldwide red-light district tour and eventually open her own brothel. Talk about using your 15 minutes of fame wisely.Catch Catie at your nearest red-light district.
In Maxi's final recap,the gals become video-hoes for Tyra's craptastic music video.
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