If you have not watched yet, return after watching.
The sayings “If walls could talk” and "All that glitters" came to mind as I binge watched this riveting 22-episode Netflix series The Polygamist, based on a book with the same title by Sue Nyathi.
The sacrifices of loyalty, love and legacy by women who love a man whose selfishness and lust results in the abandonment of everyone in his life - their personal values, personal ambitions and even their children.
Joyce and her children
The series centres round the Gomorah family. Jonasi Gomora, portrayed by Sdumo Mtshali, is the wealthy CEO of J & J construction company, which is named after himself and his loyal wife of 20 years Joyce (exceptionally portrayed by Gugu Gumede).
Joyce fights with everything in her (emotionally, mentally, physically, psychologically, but never spiritually) to save the marriage.
In contrast Jonasi lives every fantasy that could destroy himself, his marriage and family with zero… ahem… how do I say this? Efffffs (still feels like a mild term for what I really should say).
He doesn't give an efff about anyone except satisfying his lust and sexual satisfaction or fantasies.
Our first encounter of Jonasi’s lack of efffs is him having a year-long affair with ambitious, educated and successful Matipa Nkosi (Kwanele Mthethwa).
Matipa seduced him with no resistance (whilst Joyce lay in hospital). Her bravado to pretend to be a side-chick to Jonasi’s elder “married” brother, Magesh (Kenneth Nkosi), then brazenly seduce Jonasi sets her as a villian.
Jonasi goes as far as moving in permanently with Matipa, serving dismayed Joyce with divorce papers.
Joyce is a "delusional" wife who is oblivious to how she enables her husband’s behaviour by not actively fighting him and his affair.
Instead she uses her kids, gets into a beatdown with Matipa and lands herself in jail.
She's adamant that they're going to celebrate their anniversary; with Matipa invited to the shindig AND she's determined that Jonasi must keep his promise to renew their vows on this anniversary.
At this stage Matipa seems like the sane one who “won over the man” in this madness.
Matipa’s reliance on her beauty, sexiness and success to keep Jonasi faithful to her and his promises of divorcing Joyce gives the impression that love, regardless of how it started, will win.
Like Jonasi, she has no conscience, remorse or efffs regarding the destruction of his marriage or family.
Her focus is on getting the man at whatever cost, disrespecting everyone who attempts to stop her ambition.
Magesh and Essie
Having children whilst he is married and now back with Joyce is another stretch.
Joyce concedes to embrace polygamy after consulting her “cultured sister-in-law” Essie (Celeste Ntuli) on how she keeps her marriage with elder brother Magesh faithful, devoted and drama-free.
Her intention being to at least legitimise Jonasi’s children, save her marriage and remove bad publicity for their wealth and legacy.
Matipa and Jonasi
Around episode 4, just as the viewer says, “Okay we have seen it all”, the next episodes reveal worse, worst, WORST to disastrous revelations affecting the health and wellness of everyone involved.
There is no limit to Jonasi’s self-destruction and intention to feed his lust. No one is safe from his predator whims and he goes to every length to push the boundaryless life he has chosen.
When he crosses too many lines and has to finally face consequences, he is still obstinate, irrational and refuses to face reality.
Jonasi's betrayal of everyone, including his innocent children, is beyond devastating.. .
In every scene the viewer is left asking the questions: how far is this person willing to go? What is he looking for? What is his intention? What is his end game? What is driving this man to behave like this?!
His behaviour forces everyone around him to self-betray as they attempt to keep him satisfied because nothing he does has any values or clarity on leadership or consideration.
His legacy destroys everyone. Blatantly laughing at them when they question him.
Selfishness
Jonasi was so entitled, he never considered anyone’s wellbeing, emotions or consequences regarding his decisions.
This behaviour festered on everyone as they're forcied into being selfless to make his life easier rather than him taking accountability.
He gave everyone crumbs and expected kingdom treatment.
His annoyance that no-one made his birthday special whilst he abused them was unbelievable.
His dishing out of trauma resulted with his circle being toxic and selfish.
Every single one of his children experienced trauma that changed them.
Sacrifices
A marriage, any relationship for that matter, requires compromise.
Once you have to lose your values to make the next person comfortable, you have crossed the line into sacrifice.
Joyce is dealing with a partner who has no values, compassion, empathy or consideration.
His entitlement forces every single person around him to sacrifice something.
In the first couple of episodes, his affair with Matipa makes his entire family the sacrifice.
Joyce and Matipa sacrifice their self-worth. His brother sacrifices his entire life pretending to being a married man to Jonasi’s secret wife.
Matipa's realisation that being married to Jonasi was not the honeymoon she had brazenly fought for resuls in her sacrificing her own children with Joyce for the life she wanted.
Self-abandonment and self destruction
Keeping Jonasi unaccountable ensures that he abandons everyone - every single person around him self-abandons in exchange for the crumbs he dishes out.
The depth of the self-abandonment seeps into his already abandoned children who have to constantly live, experience and breathe under the exposure of the trauma of Jonasi and his conquests.
To qure Tupac's acronym THUG LIFE: “The hate you give little infants fucks everyone”.
Jonasi delivers this perfectly to his children and his conquests, stabbing them with childhood wounds without a care.
Essie gifted him a start - built from her hard work for a potential future she envisioned Even when she watched him in his youth, she hoped to be chosen.
She stuck with the lies and betrayal for potential. Whatever he eventually gave, she accepted and in exchange she suppressed her children's needs forcing them to self-abandon and carry her secrets.
To death, she keeps her cultural potential dreams alive.
Joyce opened his doors to class, status and wealth and she absolutely worshipped her husband as a god in his mind castle.
She was not willing to remove herself from his side or him from the throne. She accepted the cries of fake tears and empty promises to change.
She abandons herself and forces her children to abandon themselves to keep their father as a worshipped god in the home.
She never chooses herself or his children. She chooses him over and over.
Opulence and wealth are an excuse as even wo/men who lack self-control and integrity behave like this in real life.
No accountability results in a society riddled with trauma-filled humans recreating drama, trying to escape their past.
Love costs. Love requires compromise. Love protects. Lust controls. Lust is rewarded by sacrifice. Lust forces self-abandonment.
If therapists shared what they hear from every real life Jonasi survivors, we would all be astounded at how many Jonasi's live amongst us - broke or wealthy, married or single, old or young, employed or unemployed, male or female.
They live amongst us and until those closely around them hold them accountable, they will continue unhindered.
Every Jonasi continues to live with no shame, no conscience or need to change because there is a Joyce, Matipa, Lindani, Essie, Beauty, Lerato or Zandile available to enable him at any expense to themselves and those around them.
Every Joyce has lived through such trauma and betrayal protecting their homes. Love is an ideology because all they carry is trauma, pain and humiliation.
Matipa’s are everywhere, with intentions to bag the man, even if the man only has ego, nothing to their name, no empathy for anyone's wellbeing.
When the reality of what they bagged comes forthe, they are off on full speed to the next target.
Every Essie is manipulated by culture and lack of self-esteem to demand the respect they deserve accepting scraps as reward. Forcing her children to accept neglect.
Every Lindani is looking for validation and exposure to a life or experiences that peers - and social media - sells for just being able to give it out.
Every Menzi is driven by rage and revenge for the trauma they experienced watching their absent father use people like chewing gum.
Every wo/man dealing a Jonasi please “Choose Yourself".
Everything that wo/man does affects everyone.
Face reality, not potential and answer the questions: What about that wo/man makes you devalue yourself like that? Is it worth you?”