We have our finalists and whoever would have guessed that the two intergenerational teams would have made it this far? We know hippies and bickering weasels have an uncanny knack for doing well but how long has it been since a [grand]parent/child hasn’t bit the big one within the first four episodes?
The most deliciously wicked part was that Nate and Jen’s terrible leg happened on her birthday. Congrats on getting one year older. It’s a pity your emotional maturity’s still that of a twelve-year-old.
Japan is the land of progress and technology, but not of maintenance and repair. The first destination was a building with a great big hole in the middle of it, for Pete’s sake. With all they spend on giant mechanized cyborgs and schoolgirl outfits, it’s no wonder they can’t afford to get that hole fixed.
The teams had to find something called the floating observatory, which was located at the top of the building. Something called a floating observatory would tend to be somewhere in the air, wouldn’t it? The most challenging part of this task (for most teams, that is) was the elevator ride up, if Nate’s screams of ecstasy were anything to go by.
TK and Rachel got off to a very bad start to their Speedbump-threatened leg by not only starting three hours behind everyone else but having difficulty in finding the first clue. Rachel had a feeling it was somewhere in the gardens surrounding the building while TK just wanted to get as high as possible. Typical.
While the Hippies faffed about in the building, the other teams were already well on their way to the airport. The next destination was the Taiwanese capital of Taipei, or Tip-pie as Jen called it. How can you think of pies at a time like this, Jen? Focus!
Chris was confident of her and Ronald’s chances at making the final three. “We’re smarter than Nicolas and Don, and Nate and Jen,” she announced. I don’t know about the Nicolas and Don part but Nate and Jen were more than happy to prove her point. “We know nothing about Taiwan but we really love Thai food,” Jen said. That faint sound you hear is Jen’s high school geography teacher popping open a bottle of vodka.
Nate is really excited at the thought of those Thai ladyboysChris wasn’t content merely to own Nate and Jen in the general knowledge stakes. She finagled herself a couple of tickets on the best flight to Taiwan and convinced the woman at the counter to play dumb about that flight to Nate and Jen.
Nate and Jen were suspicious, possibly because Chris was grinning like she’d just learned the secret ingredient in Coca Cola. Jen wondered if Chris was up to something but Chris claimed innocence with all the sincerity of a bad politician. Nate and Jen believed her because of the aforementioned Chris-is-smarter-than-them thing.
You should see her at pokerJen lamented how Ronald and Chris were always one step ahead of them. I’ll say. Nate and Jen are like Elmer Fudd without the speech impediment.
The Thai-loving twosome were forced to take the same flight as Nicolas and Don. But what of the Hippies? They had fallen prey to TK’s terrible observational skills. Still, fortune favours the stoned. They managed to catch a flight which landed mere minutes behind Nate and Jen’s. They were even able to somehow get in front of Nate/Jen and Nicolas/Don in the immigration line. Those wascally Hippies!
Jen’s birthday was not off to a good start. She said that she now had hatred running through her blood (as opposed to the rest of the time when she has rainbows and sunshine running through it?) and expressed a desire to tear TK’s dreads off. Nicolas revealed he would rather tear out TK’s beard. What’s with all the threats, man? Don’t you know you should make love, not war? End Vietnam, man!
It's my birthday and I'll cry if I want to, cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you
On the other hand, Chris and Ron’s day was off to a blistering start. Chris’s language skills served her well once again and she was able to communicate with the Taiwanese people with ease. They soon got to the Roadblock, where Ron had to sit in a car while a crazy stunt-driver did pant-wetting things to it. First, the car had to drive onto a see-saw and balance, followed by a 17-second trip underwater.
Ronald managed not to have a heart attack and they were off to their next destination, a teahouse. Shortly after, the other three teams arrived. Nate and Jen were both really excited about the car-balancing, so used were they to the teetering see-saw that was their relationship.
Ronald felt as if his hernia was about to expode
For Rachel, it was freakier than the time she'd eaten a whole bag of shrooms and listened to Pink Floyd for thirteen hours straight
For Nate, the thrill came from being away from Jen for a couple of minutes
And for Don, well, he's an old fart. How the hell would you expect him to react?
TK and Rachel were the first to finish, which served them well as the Speedbump was up next. They had to run through a gauntlet of fireworks before being doused with water. Phil claimed this was an ancient Chinese tradition. I had no idea ancient Chinese had their own version of Jackass.
Nate/Jen and Nicolas/Don finished their Roadblocks in good time. Soon they were at the train station, gloating over the fact that the Hippies were nowhere to be seen. Cue the entrance of TK and Rachel, a little wet but otherwise grungier than ever.
Potheads will laugh at anything, won't they?
Jen was even more pissed to learn that when you're on a crowded bus, wet hippie smell does not make for a fun ride
Jen went Hulk. She raged about the dirty Hippies’ slacker ways, how they could do next-to-nothing and still come out on top, whereas she and Nate had to actually work to get anywhere. Jen? It’s not that they’re lazier than you; it’s that they’re more damn efficient. You’d be amazed at how much time you can save by not stopping every two minutes to scream at your boyfriend.
She also did her Hippie impression, which was basically her saying “we’re so mellow and low-key” in a monotone. God forbid you should be mellow. It’s far more productive to model your race behaviour after conflict in the Middle East.
Jen, stop making fun of them already and just ask for some of their stash. You know you want to.
Chris and Ronald reached the teahouse and faced the daunting task of drinking hot tea. Somehow they overcame this overwhelming challenge and went off to find the clown who held their next clue. Ye gods, the contestants have to face clowns now? What sadistic producer came up with this?
Once they faced the terrifying clown, Ron and Chris could choose which Detour option they wanted to do. Once was to release lanterns up into the sky and involved a lot of hot air (Ronald’s specialty), while the other was supposed to be a stress reliever and involved walking barefoot along a path of jagged stones. OK, now I know for sure that these “ancient Chinese rituals” were stolen from episodes of Jackass.
You may not think he looks so bad
But it's been scientifically proven that all clowns are related to this guy
“Pressure on, pressure off,” Ron chanted as the two of them took on the stone task. It’s “Wax on, wax off” and you’re definitely no Mr Miyagi. A few ouches later, they were on their way to the Pit Stop. In their cab, they beamed and spoke of how much they had become one during the course of the race. “We’ve merged,” they said. Ronald is now the Hyde to Christina’s Jekyll, I guess.
Things were really heating up at the teahouse where the other three teams were neck-and-neck. A local warned Nate and Jen about bad traffic so Jen decided they should take the subway to their next destination instead of a taxi. She changed her mind once underground and this led to yet another fight (last one!) where Jen lamented having to make all of the decisions and called into question Nate’s masculinity. You know, the same thing that happens at least once every leg.
The waffling between buses, subways and taxis caused Nate and Jen to fall far enough behind that they never really caught up. They got to the stones last, and, despite the editors’ attempt to make it look as if they might make it to the Pit Stop before Nicolas and Don, came in last.
YAY! Every season I pretty much expect the token bickering couple to make it to the final three and take second place, so this is a nice surprise.
As I danced in my chair, they spoke of how they had pretty much killed their relationship during the race. Then a funny thing happened. Nate started crying and I actually felt a bit sorry for them. It’s not exactly fun watching the death of a relationship even if you firmly believe the people involved should be kept apart for the good of humanity.
Moment of sympathy over. The finale’s next week! Be there or Ronald will come over to your house and berate you.