This is long and dedicated to those who want to work things out in their relationship, if you find it irrelevant to you, please move on to the next article. It real pains my heart when I come across the article about heartbreak, hurt and betrayal here and they seem to dominate so I thought maybe if I share this, maybe it will come handy to some of us. This doesn’t certainly means that I have perfect relationships or I am an expert in relationships but like everybody else, I struggle to make things work when I feel it is worthy it. Firstly God want us all to be happy and that’s why he David said in Psalm 118:24 KJV “This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it.”
So let’s share.
1. PSALMS 147:3 NIV says “HE HEALS THE BROKEN HEARTED AND BINDS UP THEIR WOUNDS”
It happens every day. Maybe it’s happening right now in your once-happy home: unrealistic expectations, infidelity and broken promises destroying the dream of a lifelong love and trust. Thankfully, God is the healer of broken relationships and violated trust. When someone you love is hurting:
• Give it time: healing is a process, not an event. Wounds of the heart heal slowly. Maybe you are thinking ‘but I have apologized over and over, how long will it take them to let it go and start trusting me again?’ Well it takes as long as it takes! Demanding the other person to heal on your schedule only delays the process. Maybe you are saying ‘but if they real forgave me, they wouldn’t keep bringing it up? ’, Not so, when your loved one can bring it up without you getting upset, healing will happen faster.
• Don’t expect things to be normal for now: they won’t be and that’s normal! Ever notice how you automatically protect an injured limb against knocks and bumps? It’s a natural, instinctive reaction. The fact is: the one who caused the pain maybe ready for business as usual, but for the wounded ‘normal’ feels way too vulnerable right now. By lowering expectations and giving the space, you’ll hasten and promote the healing process.
• Remember, people heal at different rates: God said “There is time to weep, time to laugh, a time to embrace and a time to refrain”(Ecc 3:4-5 NIV). Be sensitive, Let God teach you patience and growth as you give your loved one time to heal.
2. 2 KINGS 20:5 NIV says “I HAVE HEARD YOUR PRAYER AND SEEN YOUR TEARS; I WILL HEAL YOU”
Just sitting waiting for healing to happen doesn’t help; it only lengthens the process. Working to become a positive influence is what moves things forward. If you want to help:
• Listen: when your loved one need to talk, listen without trying to defend, explain, rationalize or excuse your behavior. Don’t try to correct their ‘misperceptions’ or lessen their pain by minimizing it.
• Validate: Don’t tell somebody ‘you shouldn’t feel that way’. When people talk about their pain, often they’re doing work necessary to help them heal. By letting them know their feelings are legitimate rather than making them feel weak or silly, you enable them to work through negative emotions. Apologize, yes again! Whoever said “Love means never saying you’re sorry” did know much about human relationships. Every genuine apology promotes healing. A heartfelt “I’m sorry” is a medicine to a wounded soul. So apply it until it is no longer needed, your loved one will let you know when that is.
• Repair: offer to help repair the hurt you have caused. ‘I know I have wounded you, and I really want to know what I can do to help heal the damage.’ Genuinely spoken, those words realign and make you part of solution, not just the cause of the problem God said, ‘I have heard your prayers and seen your tears; I will heal you,’ and the sooner you become actively engaged in promoting the healing process, the sooner you’ll get out of the penalty box and back on the field.
3. JEREMIAH 30:17 NIV says “I WILL RESTORE”
There are no painless, foolproof guarantees; healing a relationship involves shared effort and risk. I have to trust that ultimately you’ll forgive me and put the offense behind you, and you have to believe that I’m sincere about changing. Healing a wounded relationship is a two-person job. Your work is to work at trusting me again, and mine is to provide you with the evidence that I’m trustworthy again. When we do that we invite one another’s co-operation, encourage each other and shorten the distance that separates us. Making a relationship work means deciding you have real and positive options, and both committing to them. If your betrayal caused wounds; you can make your own job easier by becoming more accountable:
• By voluntarily keeping your partner in the loop about your schedule, without their having to quiz you, you graduate from being the bad guy to becoming the full-fledged team member, pursuing a mutual game plan so you can both win
• By agreeing to self-police you also remove the resentment one partner feels when the other one monitors them. In other words, it relieves them of the dirty work of micromanaging you, and spares you the humiliation of feeling like you are always under the microscope.
• On the other hand, if you are the wounded party you make your mate’s job easier by letting them know you value the relationship enough to make it work by keeping your end. Tell them you appreciate their efforts. When healing a relationship becomes the main focus to both partners and you include God who said “I will restore (Jer 30:17)”, it will happen!
4. JEREMIAH 33:6 NIV says “I WILL HEAL MY PEOPLE AND LET THEM ENJOY PEACE AND SECURITY”
The ‘surgery’ stage of confession and apology can happen quickly. The more complex ‘recovery’ stage of forgiveness, healing and restoration takes time. Remember the last time you took your car to the mechanic? You brought it in for one problem and he found others you weren’t aware of that needed attention. In the same way, the healing process brings into focus issues related to the original one: communication, finances, time, parenting, and intimacy issues. If you want a healthy relationship there are no shortcuts; you have to deal with them. If you try to cheat the process, your unfinished business will keep undermining your hopes for a whole and happy relationship. So if you haven’t already guessed it, restoration work isn’t for cowardly or lazy. But the rewards are well worth it, so roll up your sleeves! Reinforce each other’s efforts. God said: “Render … honor to whom honor is due (Rom 13:7AMP)” because it is a principle that works. We routinely thank the waiter, the taxi driver and the person at the supermarket checkout. It’s an ingrained, invaluable courtesy and one we’d do well to take home. People working on relationships need the healing power that comes from regular doses of courtesy. You’d be amazed at the restorative mileage you get from simply expressing your appreciation. The ‘principle of reinforcement’ says you get more of what you acknowledge, so remember to thank your partner even for the smallest effort to improve things. Not only will you be honoring them, you’ll be inviting more of the same and making interest-bearing deposits in your relationship account.
5. ISAIAH 61:1 NAS says “HE HAS SENT ME TO BIND UP BROKEN HEARTED”
When you violate your partner’s trust, you send your ‘relationship account’ into deficit! Intimacy is replaced by painful emotional and physical distance. As the offender you feel that, in spite of your apology and repentance, your wounded partner is still exacting their pound of flesh and making you pay, but they are not! They are simply out of surplus emotional resources. Their tank is empty. It’s taking all they have just to ‘keep it together’. Expecting them to be their old self is like asking a legless man to hurry up and walk! It’s not going to happen. What can you do to help? The same thing you do when you deficit in your bank account.
• Stop making withdrawals! Don’t ask or expect from your partner all the normally do for you. Don’t wait to be served. Pick up your dirty dishes. Iron your own clothes. Surrender your senses of entitlement. Practice the Christ-like art of denying yourself. For now, lean on God and your Christian friends and family to help meet your temporarily unmet needs.
• Start making deposits! Make them small and often. ‘if you give, you’ll get!’ your gift will return to you, pressed down, shaken together and running over(Luke 6:38 TLB). Consistent deposits can eventually cancel deficit, moving the relationship into surplus! Quietly find the ways to make your partners life easier: small courtesies, thoughtful deeds, little considerations that serve and salve. There are the things than invite your partner to feel like it’s safe to push ‘defrost’, start taking small risks, reconnect and taste waters again!.
Sourced from the radio pulpit – the word for today daily devotion. You can request your own copy of daily devotion from www.radiopulpit.co.za and read it, don’t forget “an idle mind, is the devils workshop’. Hope this will come handy to you as it is to me.