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Jokes 4 the day.........

Written by mayandie from the blog Jokes for the day...... on 30 Jul 2008
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24 Comments

rhymes
18 May 2009 14:18

nice one

Zubekho
18 May 2009 14:21

Not funny at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

felfel
11 Jul 2009 20:09

An office manager was given the task of hiring an Individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked:

"What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man (A WHITE MAN), on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man (A INDIAN MAN). "Hmm .... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."
"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye ..that's a very popular clich for speed."

He then turned to the third man (A BLACK MAN) who was contemplating his reply." Well, out at my dad's FARM, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch & way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an ant. TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of. "The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" He said.

Turning to the fourth and final man (A COLOURED MAN), the interviewer posed the same question. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is
DIARRHEA." "WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain." said the fourth man. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT , I had already kakked in my pants!"

HE GOT THE JOB................

felfel
11 Jul 2009 20:11

Three tortoises, Mick, Andy and Roy, decide to go on a picnic. Mick
packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is that
the picnic site is ten miles away So, it takes them ten days to get
there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer.
"Ok Roy give me the bottle opener"
"I didn't bring it" says Roy
"I thought you packed it" Mick gets worried, He turns to Andy, "Did you
bring the bottle opener?"
Naturally Andy didn't bring it.
So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Mick and
Andy beg Roy to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat
all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their
tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees.

So Roy sets off down the road at a steady pace.
20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Andy are starving, but
a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a
promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take
out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Roy pops up
from behind a rock and shouts,
"I KNEW IT'......I'M NOT FUCKIN GOING!"

felfel
11 Jul 2009 20:14

A husband came home and found a naked man in his house.
"Heyi wena, wenzani endlini yam uze?
He asked and the naked man replied "Ndiyathakatha"
The husband furiously answered back " Mhlathikanyoko, uthakatha unxibe i Condom"

felfel
11 Jul 2009 20:16

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw and
spots another man on the 1st floor.

He yells down to him, but the
noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries
sign language.
He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee
meaning, "need", and
moves his hand back and forth in a handsaw motion.
The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his
pants, and starts m@sturbating
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to
the 1st floor and shouts,
"What the hell is wrong with you, idiot? I said I needed
a handsaw!"
The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to
tell you I'm coming."

felfel
11 Jul 2009 20:23

Confusion reigns when you don't simplify things

A Priest kept chickens at his village parish.

One evening the cock went missing.

At mass the priest asked,

"Who has a cock?"

All the men got up...........

"No! I meant who has seen a cock?"

All the women got up............

"No, No! Who has seen a cock that isn't theirs?"

Half the women got up.

"Oh!!! For goodness sake! Who has seen my cock?

"All the nuns got up!!

felfel
11 Jul 2009 20:25

A radio station was running a competition - words that werent in the dictionary but could still be used in a sentence that would make logical sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.
DJ: "96FM here, what's your name?"
Caller: "Hi my name is Dave"
DJ: "Dave what's your word?"
Caller: "Goan... spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced 'go-an'"
DJ: ".....You are correct, Dave 'goan' is not in the dictionary. Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you you that word in that would make sense?"
Caller: "Goan *bleep!* yourself"
The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:
DJ: "96FM whats your name?"
Caller: "Hi, me name's Jeff"
DJ: "Jeff, what's your word?"
Caller: "Smee ... spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced 'smee'"
DJ: "...Ypu are correct, Jeff, 'smee' is not in the dictionary.
Now, for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in a way that would make sense?"
Caller: "Smee again! Goan *bleep!* yourself"

felfel
11 Jul 2009 20:27

A woman wanted to reach her husband on his mobile phone but discovered
that she was out of credit, She instructed her son to use his own phone
to pass across an urgent message to his daddy who was on site. After
junior had called, he got back to mummy to inform her that there was a
lady that picked up daddy's phone the three times he tried reaching dad
on the mobile. (Women!!)

She waited impatiently for her husband to return from work and upon
seeing him in the driveway, she rushed out and gave him a tight slap,and
she slapped him again, kicked him in the nuts, pulled on his testacles
and spat in his face for good measure.

People from the neighbourhood rushed around to find out what the cause
of the commotion was. The woman asked junior to tell everybody what the
lady said to him when he called.

Junior said "The subscriber you have dialled is not available at
present. Please Try Again Later"...

felfel
13 Jul 2009 08:39

An Italian, an Irishman & a Chinese man are hired to work on a
construction site. On the first day the foreman points to a huge
pile of sand & says to the Italian," You're in charge of sweeping." To
the Irishman he says, "You're in charge of shovelling." To the Chinese
man he says, "You're in charge of supplies." He tells them that he
has to go somewhere & when he returns 2 hours later he finds the huge
pile of sand untouched...

"Why didn't you sweep any of it?" he asks the Italian. The Italian
replies in a heavy accent," I no gotta broom, an you tella me dat da
Chinese'a guy supposa bringa da supplies but he disappear & I no finda
him". The foreman then turns to the Irishman & asks why he didn't
shovel. "Aye, well I couldn't get meself a shovel. Ye left the Chinese
fella in charge of supplies but I couldna find him". The foreman is
furious & storms off looking for the Chinese fellow. He can't find him
anywhere & is getting angrier by the minute.

Suddenly the Chinese man jumps out from behind the pile of sand & yells
. . . "Supplies!!!!!"

zozoe
13 Jul 2009 12:08

yho felfel wa mpoloya hle kwa kwa kwa

what happened to other replies as i see it was posted Wednesday, July 30, 2008
by Mayandieyandie

belz
13 Jul 2009 12:13

kwakwakwkawkawkakwkawkakwa he bathong Rory!!! stupid tortoise.

JadaPinkett
13 Jul 2009 12:15

where's the joke?

Maphumza
13 Jul 2009 12:35

Iyooooo hhhayi wangiceda

felfel
13 Jul 2009 12:39

There was never an article JP & Zozoe. i just posted jokes.

Porche
13 Jul 2009 14:20

These are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these
exchanges were actually taking place.
--------------------
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his
sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
--------------------
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
--------------------
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you *bleep!* me?
--------------------
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
--------------------
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS : Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a
new attorney?
--------------------
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
--------------------
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard..
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
--------------------
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
--------------------
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go
to?
WITNESS: Oral.
--------------------
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
--------------------
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

Scary thought:
THINK ABOUT IT!
MOST MEMBERS OF CONGRESS ARE OR WERE LAWYERS!

Porche
13 Jul 2009 14:31

HOW FIGHTS STARTS...

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
As a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
Gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
************************************************************************
I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were
In bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
Would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
*********************************************************************
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
Order first...
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************************************

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
The channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
Anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

====================================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
Reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as
He sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her , 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'Goodness!' I said, 'who would think a
Person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

===========================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
Alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
How sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
Funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

=========================================

zozoe
13 Jul 2009 15:01

lol

Porche
13 Jul 2009 15:20

LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL

A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a

Truck, with his hands at 10 to 2.

The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?' Kenny replies, 'Can't

Talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!'

The nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.

The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving
his
Imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?' Kenny
Says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some rest.'

'That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'

The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into
Another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating
Vigorously.

Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?'

To which Davo replies,

Porche
13 Jul 2009 15:29

...........

To which Davo replies,

'Shhh, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne'.

Maphumza
13 Jul 2009 15:40

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you b*astards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop!
And all of you b*astards who are getting on, get you're a*ss in the train cause we're going down the tracks."
The Mother walked into the room where her son was playing and said "we don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one." She hears the little boy continue,
"For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are p!ssed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat b!tch in the kitchen."

kellogs
13 Jul 2009 15:54

We want more, we want more we want more...

Maphumza
17 Jul 2009 14:07

Kwathi ngenye imini, indoda ivela emsebenzini ifika ekhaya ibalisela uNkosikazi into eyenzeke emsebenzini,uNkosikazi wayehlamba izitsha….

Indoda:
——
Uyazi namhlanje emsebenzini kube nengozi embi kakhulu

Nkosikazi:
———-
Eyantoni ?

Indoda:
——-
Bendikhwele i lift ndisiya ezansi, ngoku ndaziva ingathi Ndixinekile, ndavela ndehla, ndayishiya abanye phakathi ndaleqa endlini encane.

Nkosikazi:
———-
kwathini? Ungandixeleli ukuba ulimaze abantu kulo lift!!

Indoda:
——-
Bekuzoba ngcono ukuba balimele, ivele yaphahlazeka bafa.

Nkosikazi:
———-
Hayibo!! Smakade uphile kakhuhle wena? Into enje ukubambi?

Indoda:
——-
Hhayi khona kubuhlungu. Kodwa ke emsebenzini bathe bazonika usapho lwa baswelekelweyo i R1 000 000 umuntu nganye.

Nkosikazi:
———-
(etsho eqhaqhazela waphahlaza ne plate phantsi)
Rhaaaaaaa Uyaziawunazintloni okundixelela lonto, ubusehlelani nje kuloo lift? Ubone kungcono
ukuba wehle kunokuba mna ndifumane lemali, yazi waze wandidika, icacile ukuba mna ngiyohlupheka ndide ndiyofa !!! Side siphulukane nemali engaka ngenxa ye KAKA QHA

Sityhilelo
06 Sep 2012 18:05

Ndiyakuhlebela please ungayipapashi, ndifumene umsebenzi epalamente, ndincedwe ngutata waseMaputo, nazi izinto azifunayo nawe ungangena ubaleka epalamente:
1. Amakandlela amabini amnyama
2. Izipeliti owawnapkenwa ngazo uselusana,
3. ifish ephilayo esengxoweni,
4. ikausi yendoda erich,
...
5. iimbovane ezimbini ezizitabane zibezezaseQunu,
6. Inzikinzane yendlovu,
7. Isibindi sengonyama ephilayo.
8. Undonci wotsiki kamama wakho.
9. Uphathe iR5 eliphepha
10. Please uze nephepha lesimemo somgidi katata wakho

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