NB... This is long and very long and it has the colours that you see; if you dont have time to read and have problem with my chosen colours, DONT read because i real dont need anyone to mourn about it being long and colourful as if i have forced them to read, thank you;
I know one day I will get married and have my adorable baby Boy and maybe a baby gal too but a boy has to be my first born just in case I fail to bear the pain but that time is not now, that time is somewhere after 2010 or in December 2010. As much as I love my Skatie and would like to spend rest of my life with him but I’m not ready to do that now. I’m now confused, do I real look like a marring type? Here is where my confusion comes from :
Back in the day when I dated my first BF when I was doing my matric(was 16 at that time and he was 20 and working(t’was his first year working)), We dated for about a year 3 months and he told me that he wanna take our luv to the next level, meaning he wanted to do those lobola things and I refused; my reason being I was still young, haven’t explored and not ready to be a wife. Mind you I was doing my first year at tertiary at that time, he asked me when I’ll be ready, I said maybe after I finished my degree. Well I finished it and started working and this time he proposed with a ring and I still turned him down because I knew that I wasn’t ready to take that step in my life, marriage is something beyond the crowd, pastor, ring and a white dress. We broke up the following year after I found out he was cheating, when he tried to explain y he cheated he told me that it’s because he is no longer sure if I real do love him or not because I turned his proposal down and I don’t wanna sleep with him, I told him that True love wait and we broke up because all the trust I had for him was no more. It all happened somewhere in March
Then January, the following year I dated this guy that I dearly luv, we are so inlove. We have been dating for 2 years 2 months now. And in January when we had our second year annivessary, he posed that question again ”Will you marry me?” and I told him I still need to think about it but deep down in my heart I knew I wud do anything in the world to be with him but my mind was telling me something else, it was telling me Not Now. So I told him I need time to think things through.
BF: how much time do you need to think this?
Me: Not sure, maybe a month or so
BF: what is there to think about?
Me: everything, this is a big step, you caught me off-guard and I cant just say yes as much as I would love to.
BF: If we both so inlove with each other like we say, why not ?
Me: This goes beyond everything, it is a lifetime commitment and the journey that I’m not sure I wanna take it now.
BF: but are you sure im the person you wanna spend the rest of your life with?
Me: I wouldn’t be here with you now if you wasn’t that kind of person, you are my perfect person it is just that the timing for this is not perfect like you, can we change the subject now?
BF: anything for you Mashobane(not my real clan).
Well we stopped there about that and talked about something else. He drove me home after that, opened the door for me and took me to bed, charted about the great time we had, he then kissed me in the forehead and left, it was already around 1 am. At about 3 am he called and ask if he can come over and I said yes. He came 40min later, joined me in the bed and told me, he missed me n couldn’t sleep , we kissed and sleep. In the morning he asked me if I have thought through and I said “I was doing that when you disturbed me with your call”. He left at about 15h00 pm the next day. Well I made a call to my sister dearest
Sister: hey sister dearest, I have been waiting for ur call, how did your anniversary go?
Me: I don’t know and that is the reason im calling you, im holding a ring in my hand he asked me to marry him
Sister: you are kidding right?
Me: im dead serious, will send you a pic shortly(I dropped the call, sent a pic and called again)
Sister: Waaw it is beautiful, did you said YES?
Me: No I said I still wanna think about it, my heart says yes but my mind says NO, im not ready to take that step in my life sis … it is too big for me
Sister: Don’t cry sister dearest, just tell him how you feel, if he real loves you, he will wait for the time that will be right to both of you, remember what mama told us “love is patient and true love wait”
Me: sis don’t you think im sending wrong signals to guys, why everyone wanna commit, do I look like a marrying type?
Sister: No sis, you didn’t do anything wrong; you cant be wrong about being yourself, some guys just cant afford to look at their star from a distance, they wanna hold it in their hands everytime and you are that star, every guy you get incolved with sees that.
Me: Thanks sisi n I luv you.
Sister: luv you too, I’ll support every decision you gonna take and I’ll be proud of that decision because i know it will be the best one.
Me: Thanks. I hanged up
A month later in Feb my BF asked if I now have his answer I said maybe mid-march I’ll have it, then last week to be exact, my BF came and asked me if I have his answer I said yes I do have your answer,
BF: do I have to cry or jump:
Me: Both
BF: what is it?
Me: tell me why do you want us to get married?
BF: because we love each other and I want you to be the last person I’ll see every day before I close my eyes to sleep, hold when im asleep and see every morning when I opened my eyes, is that a crime?
Me: Yes it is a crime but the kind of crime that i wud like you to commit; i luv you and you know that, right? (he nodes his head) and I’ll always love you and would love all that to happen everyday in my life and it is gonna happen
BF: he came closer looked me with desperate n begging eyes, is that a yes?
Me: let me finish; the timing is not right, I still have to finish my other part of this life alone, as much as I love you but im real not in a state of getting married to you or anyone else right now, I can only marry you in 2 years time from now, I love you so much that I wont be able to bear any distraction whatsoever when we get married and for now you know, I have so many things in my plate(studying(post-degree which im finishing next year), touch-ups at home and other few thing that i have just started, these things need loads of my attention from me right now); when I marry you I need it to be just me and you, nothing else … do you think you can wait that long?
BF: I luv you wholeheartedly n I real do, what I have said I meant it with all my heart; I cant imagine my life without you, 2 years will be nothing compared to the great time we gonna have after it for our life time, so Mashobane I’d rather wait in hope for two years than loosing you for a life time … I’ll wait baby. But will you at least keep my ring in your finger as a sig of hope to me and us?
Me: Yes, Yes ,Yes (crying in disbelief and hugging him) … thank you.
He took the ring, went down on his one Knee and put it on my finger, We hugged and kissed until we ran out of breath…. LOL
Called my sister and told her about everything and she said … "yazi I couldnt picture him letting the golden you go, so I knew he will respect your decision, congra makoti wango 2010" … we laughed and hanged phones AND i was so happy he decided to WAIT.
What confuse me is ..
do I look like a marriage material?
Is there any criteria that guys follow to decide who to marry, when and why?
And my dilemma is: I don’t know if I’ll be ready in 2010 or before that, and if im ready before that, must I tell him?
What will I say to my parents about that ring on my finger(he made me promise that im not gonna take it no matter what, and I am a promise keeper, Shuu)