Adult Only Viewing
For the purpose of this article I had to subject myself to hours of laborious research so that I can give you, the viewer, an informed article on ADULT ONLY viewing.
Admit it. You have all watched at least (AT LEAST) one of those movies.
You all know which ones I’m talking about.
Saturday night. On ETV.
Aside question – why are they screened over weekends? Is this considered weekend viewing? Something to look forward to after a hard week’s work?
There are so many directions this article can take; morality of the sexual content, declining values of society, all pertinent I might add. But during my research there was one thing that bothered me and it kept raising its ugly head.
No, I am not talking about the purple headed warrior or should I say absence thereof. The nudity of females versus males is a whole new debate entirely.
I’m talking about plots. Storylines. All paper thin and extremely predictable.
1) The Invisible Man Plot
The weakest and by far the most absurd plot I have ever come across. It is exactly as the title suggests, an Invisible Man having sex with women all across the globe.
I would run the *bleep!* away if I ever discovered an invisible man in my midst.
Not these women. They perform all sorts of karma sutra gymnastics (in slow motion) on this invisible man that they have literally never met. They don’t even know what he looks like for heavens sake. AND he never uses a condom – if he did they could at least see how big he is. (Yes, size does count). I don’t know how these stories end because by the time the second woman air humps the invisible man, I have lost all interest.
2) The Remote Control Plot
Picture it, if you can; a man armed with a remote control with which he can control the horniness of a woman. He sees an attractive woman, adjusts a couple of buttons, points the remote in her direction and with the click of a button, she wants him. Badly.
It doesn’t matter where they are or how ugly he is, she will strip herself naked and throw herself at him. And the more he adjusts that button the hornier she gets.
A lot of oohs and aahs from her as she sexily plucks the clothes off her body, sways her hips from side to side, a little bit of rubbing here and there and voila, she’s ready to conquer the poor sod with the remote.
Warning: There is only one remote like this in the entire Galaxy. Attempts to duplicate it have led to other B-grade movies being made, like Click for example. Side effects of using the remote: you will become clumsy and lose it (the remote) – possibly by dropping it out of a window so that it may fall into a passing vehicle.
3) The Lets Compare Sex Exploits Plot
A group of young, sexy couples sit around (probably on a Saturday night) after dinner and swap graphic stories of all their sexcapades. Plastic titties and asses ad nauseaum. Cannot remember how this ends in the movies, but if it were real life, it can only ever end one way. The man sleeping on the couch. After the obligatory third degree and temper tantrum.
4) The Voyeurism through 3D Glasses Plot
More of the same plastic people, donning on computerised 3D Glasses, experiencing imaginary sex in any position they fancy, with whoever they fancy.
This plot was designed by some lazy-assed pervert who wanted to film soft porn and couldn’t come up with an Invisible Man plot. So he improvised by throwing in some freaky looking glasses and asked the plastic people to simulate really bad sex in slow motion.
5) The Whodunit Plot.
Someone gets killed and a sexy detective and his slutty partner investigate. They sleep with everyone in the movie, including the murderer, before they realise that they actually want each other. They solve the case, simulate bad sex, the end.
Mandatory visit to a strip club always included.
6) The Emmanuelle plot
The very first Emmanuelle was made in 1345. Thereafter we have had to endure sequel after bad sequel, some which include a pendant and a head band. I can’t quite remember the plot but I think it was thought up by the same perv I was referring to in plot number 4. He filmed a few cheesy sex scenes, added the name Emmanuelle to the title and sold it to E for loads of money.
And there you have it folks. The formula for a winning soft porn flick.
If you ever want to become a screen writer for AOV just cut-copy-paste anyone of the above-mentioned plots, employ some plastic looking actors who all have names that sound like they come out of an Austin Powers movie (remember Alotta? ) and start shooting.
And can I just say; ALL the acting sucks. Wads.