Finally, the night of a thousand years has come to an end. OK, it was several weeks ago but still. Another night has arrived but don’t worry, I’m sure it’ll last a good few months just like the night of closet hell and house-sucking.
Before I get to the events of the latest never-ending night in Harmony, here’s a brief recap of the final few minutes (ie a whole week in real time) of the previous night. After witnessing their house getting sucked into hell, the Bennetts were left homeless. So they all swarmed into Tabitha’s house like a plague of locusts.
Luckily for the Bennetts, the insurance company said they’d pay for the damages. Who knew the Bennetts had a policy that covered their property getting sucked into the depths of hell? Top that, Outsurance!
Just when their kids needed their father the most, that HAG Grace banished Sam to sleep at the stationhouse, far away from his family. Don’t worry. She would soon get her just desserts.
Julian and Rebecca decided to ‘nobly’ throw an engagement party for Luis and Sheridan. The latter foolishly did not refuse despite the fact that the last two parties at the Crane estate have all ended in disaster.
And the latest Crane party of infinite disaster is where the show currently finds itself. Everyone was invited, naturally. I always wonder why everyone goes to these things if they hate the Cranes so much. What people will do for free food and drinks, hey?
What disaster has struck the party this time around? Charity’s party dress for one which is a multicoloured billowy gypsy mess. She borrowed it from Tabitha which should explain why it’s so hideous. And just to top her mess dress off, Charity tied her hair up in a half ponytail more suited to sitting on the sofa watching Steel Magnolias and eating ice cream.
As if this mess of a dress wasn’t enough of a horror for the poor party guests, Tabitha was there to cause mischief and mayhem. Her bottle o’soul led her to a secret chamber underneath the Crane estate full of magical goodies. How did the bottle o’soul do this? By…er, apparently getting a hard-on.
Oh, don’t look at me like that. It did look terribly phallic the way it was standing to attention and pointing the way to the secret chamber, like some sort of divining penis. It’s not my fault Kay’s bottle o’soul is horny.
Once the bottle o’soul had led Tabitha and Timmy to the secret chamber, they ripped off the movie The Fog by releasing a – yes, you guessed it – magical fog. This magical fog had one aim – to break up the couples of Harmony.
What, you were expecting some actual purpose behind Tabby’s plans? No, this is Passions where causing an annoying couple misery and pain is evil enough.
The younger couples decided they would run around something called a ‘love maze’. Apparently the couple who gets to the centre of the maze first is destined to be together forever. I think I prefer the
love noodle as a test of true love. There’s less physical exertion allowed and you get a tasty meal out of it.
The nefarious fog winded its way through the maze and caused the younger set to have all sorts of disturbing visions.
Whitney had a vision in which Chad told her they could not be together because of some undisclosed obstacle (ie INCEST!!). The fog meanwhile made Chad mistake Simone for Whitney and shove his tongue down her throat. Whitney walked in on them.
This whole misunderstanding could have been avoided if bloody Chad and Whitney had ever told Simone that merely calling someone your boyfriend and holding him really tight does not actually make him your boyfriend. But alas, they stupidly and annoyingly let Simone refer to Chad as “My boyfriend” 10 000 times and cling to him like the barnacle from hell.
The fog made Charity have a vision of Miguel kissing Kay which is plain ridiculous. If Miguel was to cheat on Charity with someone else, everyone knows it would be Reese.
As for Ethan and Theresa, the fog enlisted Gwen’s help in bringing down this couple by setting Theresa up for a shitstorm when Ethan finds out she point blank lied to him about knowing about his paternity. Well, technically the fog didn’t do a damn thing in this case – it was Gwen who did all the work, but Foggy took credit anyway because it’s a selfish, arrogant kind of condensation.
Enough about the young ‘uns. It was the parents and adults where the real hot and heavy fog action was at. The fog caused Eve to step into her (black and white) past when she had had her allegedly dead baby.
Eve was forced to witness what may have really happened – a shadowy figure in a trenchcoat, gloves and hat snuck into the nursery and snatched the baby. He could only have been more inconspicuous if he had been wearing a sign saying “Please ignore me. I am no-one suspicious”.
But even I am not nitpicky enough to quibble with the disguise choices of a shadowy figure out of Eve’s fog-induced delusions so I’ll be moving on to her psychotic husband, OJ.
Out of the fog came a vision of OJ’s dead father, who persuaded him to kill someone. Why do I have the feeling that OJ hearing voices telling him to kill people is not all that uncommon or confined to magical fogs?
Dead Daddy showed OJ an image of the car accident that wrecked his tennis career – who should be driving the car but OJ’s archrival, Julian. This drove OJ into a murderous rage during which he vowed to kill Julian. This should come as no surprise considering everything from a slow Internet connection to days ending in ‘y’ cause OJ to fly into a psychotic rage and vow to kill Julian.
“Now that I have proof that Julian was responsible for the car accident that ended my career, I’ll KILL HIM!” OJ shouted. Well, I hardly think delusions of your dead father induced by a mystical fog count as proof but who am I to argue with the homicidal ramblings of a psychotic?
OJ tracked down Julian and began strangling him as Rebecca tried to save her pookie by hitting OJ over the head with a cushion. Crane security was, as always, on a smoke break and failed to do a damn thing. Luckily for Julian, Sam appeared and dragged the enraged OJ off of him.
Sam tried to talk some sense into OJ: “Please stop trying to kill Julian. The next time you do that, I’ll have no choice but to arrest you.” How nice it must be to have Sam as your best friend? He lets you get away with attempted murder with only a stern warning. You could probably run a cocaine empire out of your garage and all he’d do is give you a finger wagging and make you promise not to do it again.
Sam is too much of an easy mark for his own good. Ivy played this to perfection when she used the old ‘pretend that without your ex, you have nothing to live for and are about to jump out the window’ trick.
Please. The oldest trick in the book. Even before windows were invented, there were women threatening to throw themselves into tar pits if their unrequited loves didn’t bonk them over the head with their clubs.
Sam fell for this transparent trick and rescued Ivy from a long fall down. Bad move, Sam. It wouldn’t have been fatal anyway. Timmy falls from heights like that all the time and he’s fine. As he dragged her inside, the fog kicked in and Sam remembered his feelings for Ivy. He leant forward and kissed her.
Cue Grace walking in at the exact wrong moment. Ha! In your face, hag! This is what happens when you push your husband to prove his love for you by throwing him at your rival 24/7. Sam tried to explain his behaviour but Grace wasn’t buying the ‘the fog made me do it!’ excuse for some reason.
Then Grace had a complete hag turnaround and realised what a complete idiotcow she had been towards Sam. She defended him from Ivy’s accusations and promised to work on their marriage. NOW she feels all warm and reconciliatory?! I mean, I’m glad that I won’t have to see her act like a hag anymore but talk about crazy timing. Weirdo.
Sheridan on the other hand had a more appropriate reaction to the news of her man’s apparent infidelity. See, the reason behind Julian’s throwing Luis and Sheridan an engagement party was to break them up via a cunning and needlessly complicated plan.
The Luis impostor made a return complete with silly Mission Impossible mask. Using the amazing rubber mask to completely change his height, weight, build, voice and appearance to that of Luis’, Impostor Man got it on with a hired bimbo named Deedee in a strategic location. Sheridan was then lured there to witness the sordid scene.
It took a while to penetrate…er, so to speak. Sheridan got a mysterious call on Luis’ phone from a horny woman and assumed it was the wrong number. Sheridan saw Luis’ car outside someone’s house and assumed he was there on police business. Sheridan walked into a mass of discarded clothes and undies and assumed Luis might be in danger from some criminal. Sheridan listened outside a bedroom to the sounds of a woman moaning and grunting “Oh god, Luis!!” and still didn’t get it.
Finally, Sheridan walked into the bedroom and assumed the worst when she saw ‘Luis’ and a naked blonde doing the horizontal mambo in bed. So she’s not completely oblivious then. I was half expecting her to explain it away by assuming that Luis’ clothes had been torn off by a busty blonde criminal in a desperate struggle to arrest her.
Sheridan ran out crying and ragged on the real Luis when she found him. Poor dude. He’s just so clueless as to why his fiancée lost his mind. Maybe he should blame his non-existent crimes on the fog like Sam did and Sheridan will pull a Grace and forgive him all.