The bad news is that Maggie Horton’s brutal bludgeoning turned out to be fatal and she passed away on Halloween night.
The good news? She died just in time for her funeral to be slotted in with Abe and Jack’s. What better way to be frugal when a beloved family member has just died than to bury them in a money-saving triple funeral?
Salem University Hospital could do nothing to save poor Maggie. As Mickey held her hand, she faded away and joined Jack and Abe in the great beyond. A series of flashbacks reminded us of a time when she was younger and actually had a purpose on the show.
I quite enjoyed the flashbacks. They also showed me two important things. The first was that Maggie’s odd nose had always been there as a young woman and did not appear to be as a result of masses of (recent, at least) plastic surgery to make her look younger.
The second was more obvious: highlighting moments from the show’s past only serves to underline how stupid and sucky it is right now.
Gone to a peaceful place where there are no evil eyebrowsWith Maggie’s sad death, attention turned to the seven suspects. As you might expect, every single one of them had something shady and/or incriminating going on.
Kate had forsaken her usual corporate skankowear and was found wearing a black hoodie. This shocked Roman almost as much as the revelation that Kate was once Stefano’s whore.
But Roman learning that hid sorta-kinda-fiancée was once a whore was not nearly as fun as what happened when Lucas overheard Sami talking to Kate about her whoring past. The thought of his beloved mother as a DiMera whore drove him to drink. I feel ya, Lucas. The thought of icky Kate in any kind of sexual encounter makes me want to drink too.
Speaking of Lucas, his suspicious bit of possibly incriminating circumstances was that…why, I don’t think he had one. Odd. I could have sworn every suspect had some ‘evidence’ that could point to them as the killer.
Maggie
was donnered with a bottle of booze and Lord knows Lucas’ apartment contains more booze than the entirety of SAB. Perhaps Lucas’ extensive knowledge of different kinds of alcoholic drinks means he could have chosen the bottle best suited for hitting Maggie over the head and penetrating her giant crown of protective hair.
Sami’s suspicious circumstance was that she had had a terrible dream detailing exactly how Maggie was murdered the night of the crime, causing people to look at her funny.
Oh, come ON. Celeste has visions and dreams about future deaths
all the time and everyone just ignores her but Sami gets the third degree? The more I think about it, the more I’m convinced the serial murders are part of some grand scheme to bring in the customers for Celeste’s new psychic hotline.
Sami’s dream was explained away by Marlena who deduced that Sami had fallen asleep with the radio on and heard all the gory details about the murder as she slept. If only all nonsensical evidence could be explained away that easily.
What about the Kiriakii? Well, Brady found Nicole was dressed as Little Black Bliding Blood and burning…A MASK. Could it have been the same mask the killer had worn? Considering Brady didn’t actually see what Nicole was burning and she straight out told him, I’d say no. But Brady suspected her anyway because logic is as foreign a concept to him as keeping his shirt on.
Nicole has started down the wicked path of trying to seduce Brady, all in order to manipulate Victor and not because she actually likes the shiny himbo. At least, that’s what I’m telling myself in order to stay sane.
Nicole: Brady, I know you want me. How can you resist this? [drops clothes]
Brady: EWWWW, BOOBIES!!
Nicole: You can have your way with me. Whatever wicked desires you have, you can fulfill them with me.
Brady: Put your clothes back on before I lose my lunch. And, ya know, before my granddad sees you.
Nicole: Come on, Brady. I’ve seen those magazines wrapped in brown paper delivered to your room. Is what’s under that brown paper any better than this?
Brady: Yes, there are penises and biceps and no icky boobies!
Victor: [knocks on door] Nicole? I smell nudity in there. Are you trying to seduce your step-grandson again?
Nicole: Damn, that old coot is outside! Here, Brady. I have to go but take this gift. [she puts on clothes, hands him an envelope and runs off. Brady opens the envelope to reveal nude pics of Nicole]
Brady: Oh my god, why would you give something like this as a gift? [throws envelope in rubbish bin like a hot potato. Runs away from the terrifying contents of the bin. Tries not to think about it but starts dreaming about naked Nicole] Arrrggghhhh!! Boobies have invaded my brain! Must take cold shower and think about Brad Pitt!
Victor has warned Brady against the wicked wiles of Nicole and seeks to get rid of her. He’s got his own secrets to deal with. He too was wearing black on the night of the murder and was nowhere to be found.
The mystery of his location was solved (or was it?) when Bo went to question his beloved mother about the fact that her fingerprints were the ones found on the murder weapon. Caroline was silent on her whereabouts and looked guilty. I assume. I couldn’t quite tell her expression from her completely immobile face.
Victor provided an alibi for Caroline when he confessed they had been spending time together. Shawn the Elder was none too pleased that his frozen-faced wife was spending time with the man she had once had an affair with. “My wife doesn’t need you being her alibi, Kiriakis!” he Irished angrily. Give him a break, Old Shawn. He just prevented your wife from being locked up for killing someone.
With Caroline’s innocence more-or-less established, the cops realised that the reason Caroline’s prints were on the murder bottle was because she is the next victim. No, I don’t get their reasoning either. Just go with it.
But if Caroline didn’t do it, who did? Salem PD arrested Rex because of the bloody clothes and Jason mask they found in his cupboard. Rex acted totally guilty, further proving in TV logic that he is completely innocent.
It was comments like “The killer is too smart for you all! You’ll never catch him! Someone else is going to die!” that cemented his guilt in the eyes of many. I don’t see how what he says is so incriminating. He’s only telling the truth. The killer is smarter than the investigating yahoos and he will strike again.
Maybe Rex shouldn’t have added the “Mwahahahahaha!” at the end.
When Cassie went to visit him, Rex made the ambiguous statement that if someone just happened to die while he was in jail, his innocence would be proven. Well, it was very ambiguous the way he said it, all dark and creepy like.
Cassie was shocked, shocked! Caught in a devilish dilemma, she wondered if she could possibly murder for her brother if he needed it. Damned if I know, but Cassie? If you do decide to murder someone, please start with that bloody Shawn Dunce.
He is impossible to watch lately because 99 percent of his dialogue quite literally consists of talking about how Rex is the killer. It must be real easy for the actor having to learn the same three lines over again but it’s not very pleasant for me who is just plain sick of hearing those three lines several billion times per episode.
The remaining one percent of his dialogue that didn’t consist of Rex-talk was a welcome respite even if it was spent in dialogue with Belle, who called from Europe to check that her boyfriend wasn’t dead yet and tell him she was still a virgin.
“I haven’t slept with anyone here. Don’t worry, I’m still waiting for you,” she chirped over the phone. Dear God. We’re getting weekly updates now on the state of her hymen?
Belle’s got herself a hotel room with a nice view of the Eiffel Tower. This is especially extraordinary considering she’s supposed to be in Milan.
Perhaps this is not further evidence of writerly idiocy. Perhaps she got on the wrong plane and didn’t notice that Paris is not an Italian city. Perhaps her hotel room is situated right outside a giant billboard that says “Sick of boring Milan? Visit Paris for real fun!” Perhaps continental shifts due to global warming and Rex’s earthquake machine means that Milan is not situated in downtown Paris. Perhaps Mussolini was resurrected by cultists and invaded France, renaming Paris ‘New Milan’.
Perhaps perhaps perhaps.
Shockingly, this Parmilan thing was only the second worst thing the writers did this week. The worst thing was burying Abe, Jack and Maggie in a triple funeral. A triple *bleep!* funeral. Sigh. What more can I say?
During the triple *bleep!* funeral, Bo and Hope got a text message informing them of the next victim’s impending death in an hour. Celeste got a vision of just who her next victim…I mean, the unknown killer’s next victim is going to be. Caroline Brady.
Look on the bright side, Bo and co. If Caroline snuffs it during the service, you can make it a quadruple funeral and bury her too. It’s convenient and money-saving.