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One of the cardinal rules of soapiedom is try not to be too happy. When a character is too happy, it is always a precursor to horrific pain and suffering.

Brooke found herself in a state of perfect happiness. Her wedding to Edmund was imminent and even Edmund’s hideous brats, Maddie the troll and Samwise the Hobbit, were accepting her as their new mommy. It looked like nothing could go wrong.

Heh heh, right. The many mentions of Maria from her family and friends foreshadowed her miraculous resurrection. Everyone from Edmund to Mateo found themselves thinking about the very dead Maria and how much they were missing her.

Mama Santos had this bit of wisdom to impart to those who were missing Maria: “Dance like no-one’s watching.” Thanks, Mama Santos for your wise words. Which motivational poster did you lift that one off of?

The point of all these “I miss Maria so much” statements was to make it all the more ironic that Maria was walking around Pine Valley eavesdropping. But alas, her memory was missing! And the only person who knew her true identity was Dr Devious himself, David.

Flashback to “Five years earlier”. The year was 1997: The Spice Girls ruled the world, no-one knew about Clinton and Monica yet and David was digging up the beach for some or other reason. Was he digging for doubloons? Burying a space capsule? I don’t know. Point is he found a half-dead Maria washed up on shore. Thank God for those floatation devices of hers.

Oh, and I was wrong in thinking that Maria’s tragic death had been as a result of falling through a floor. It just looked like it. In reality, Maria’s plane crashed onto a cliff. The weight of her massive boobs caused the plane to teeter and fall off the cliff.

And that’s the story of how Maria didn’t die.

Maria waited until Brooke and Edmund’s wedding day until she made her big appearance. She waited until the priest asked if anyone objected to the union and…did nothing. She simply lurked in the shadows, watching before skulking away. Maddie the troll noticed her.

When the littlest troll talked about how she’d seen her dead mommy wandering around, Brooke broke down and confessed.

Brooke: Oh God. Edmund, I have something to tell you. I found Maria when I was in Nevada.
Edmund: And exactly how much booze and drugs did you do when you were in Vegas?

Once Edmund realised Brooke was telling the truth, he lost his *bleep!* completely. I’m guessing that’s not going to be a fun wedding night. But alas! Just as Edmund ran to find Maria, he found she had absconded with their trollish offspring.

I don’t think Edmund has to worry much. I’m sure spending a few hours having to listen to the precocious little troll and Maria will be returning her.

It’s quite the tale. Makes you want to sing really:

Edmund:
She boards a plane, goes down in flames
She’s unfortunately dead
I mourned her but I’m moving on
Got a new girl instead
But she’s still in my mind
Even as I prepare to get wed
I even saw her ghost inside the chapel

Brooke:
She's late, she’s dead, she’s gone I hope
Though I saw her alive
But no, she’s dead, it couldn’t be
That Maria survived
One thing’s for very certain
Edmund can’t have two wives
Maria's not an asset to my marriage

So I’ll keep silent on just what I saw
And hope Maureen troubles me no more

All:
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a corpse and pin it down?
How do you believe a story like Maria’s?
She’s back from the dead! But didn’t her plane go down?

David:
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
When her memory’s gone away
Should you have left her lying on the sand?

All:
How do you solve a problem like Maria
And how does she get her skin to look so tanned

Maria:
When I came to, felt confused
Out of focus and bemused
And I never knew exactly who I am
David said I’m on the run
I killed someone just for fun
I’m a killer renamed Maureen on the lam

Aidan:
Came to town and met this bird
Me and her, we had some words
And I promised I would hide her and her chest
She is paranoid and odd!
She's a riddle! Quite the bod!
And I’m not just helping her
Cos of those breasts.

All:
How do you solve a problem like Maria?
How do you catch a corpse and pin it down?
How do you believe a story like Maria’s?
She’s back from the dead! But didn’t her plane go down?

David:
Many a thing you know you'd like to tell her
Many a thing she ought to understand
But how do you make her stay
When her memory’s gone away
Should you have left her lying on the sand?

All:
How do you solve a problem like Maria
And how does she get her skin to look so tanned

Brooke is not the only one in the dogbox with their spouse. Anna is very angry with David for keeping a woman away from her family for five years. Honestly, I don’t know what kind of ethics she expects from a man who drugged a whole boatload full of people.

David could not appease her, even using his usual excuse which I swear he uses for everything: “I’m a doctor, dammit!” so Anna had him arrested. Hee. That’s a surefire argument winner.

Now Anna wants nothing to do with her medical madman of a husband but this is complicated slightly by the fact that she’s pregnant with his spawn. But Anna, children need fathers! Who will teach Junior to mix chemicals in order to create dangerous experimental drugs? Or where people’s veins are in order to stick syringe needles properly?

Believe it or not, David’s problems are probably the least complicated of all the DuPres/Hayward clan. Trey has recently revealed himself to Vanessa (and everybody else really) to be her son. Shock, horror!

Leo, who had just learned that Trey was actually a Tom Ripley type, initially did not believe Trey’s story. What’s not to believe? Trey’s hot, smart, morally ambiguous and has oodles of parental issues. Sounds like David and Leo’s brother to me.

Besides his true maternity, Trey has also revealed a tragic backstory. Poor Trey was given up by his mean psychopath of a mother and his adoptive home turned out to be abusive. See? It’s not his fault he’s an identity-stealing creep. It’s his tragic backstory that did it.

Proving once again what a completely spineless and stupid twit she was, Mia felt sorry for Trey when he told her his backstory. Despite the fact that he had blackmailed her and threatened her child, the fool agreed to help him and put in a good word for him with his newly discovered brother, Leo.

Let me get my sad violins and accompany Trey as he narrates his tragic backstory. Then I can beat Mia over the head with them. Such an incredible lack of backbone and clueless deserves to be punished with a Dummy award.

Who knows why Trey suddenly told everyone ever about his tragic backstory. All I know is that it led to some mutual “poor me, my mother sucks” whining between him and Kendall. It was way better than it sounds mainly because the two of them are wicked hot together even if there is that niggling worry that they might be siblings.

Don’t look at me like that. It’s all Kendall’s fault, having chemistry with everybody, male or female, young or old. Stupid, sexy Kendall.

She even manages to make Aidan interesting. The two of them were trapped in a building together and ended up making out and it was sizzle-worthy. Maybe it’s because Kendall’s a billion degrees of hot and when you apply that much heat to wood it catches fire.

As if that wasn’t enough to satisfy me, there’s her brand new unholy alliance with Greenlee. The unholy alliance seeks to use their combined forces of bitchery and hotness to bring down Erica Kane and her newest employee, Bianca.

Aw, isn’t the nepotism heartwarming?

Bianca’s new job is thankfully taking her away from the dreaded Teen Scene somewhat but there is no escaping the Teen Scene fully. My desire for an all-gay Teen Scene doesn’t seem all that far-fetched when you consider how Maggie has been acting lately. Here is a brief summary of her scenes lately:

Maggie: Wow, Bianca. I love that you got an important job already. You’re so self-assured and confident and smart and pretty and dreeeaaaamy. I can see why my sister fell in love with you.
Bianca: Hey, isn’t that Tim Dillon over there?
Maggie: Who…oh right, him. Whatever. Let’s get back to you and how wonderful you are.

Then:

Maggie: Bianca. I don’t know if that cleavage-bearing dress you’re wearing is appropriate for your new job. You don’t need to show off your incredible curves to make a good impression. Your awesomeness will shine through anyway. How about you take off that dress? Right now?
Bianca: Whatever, fashion police.
Maggie: Hey, how about you put on a skimpy bikini and we go swimming? We can splash each other and climb all over each other in the water.
Bianca: OK, sure. So how’s that thing with Tim going?
Maggie: It’s great. Super. Love that Tom. Back to you. So…how’d you know you liked girls?
Bianca: Well, it’s hard to pinpoint a single moment…
Maggie: So…you didn’t figure it out when you hypothetically started having hypothetical erotic dreams about your hypothetical hot brunette best friend with the great rack?
Bianca: What?
Maggie: Er…nothing. How about that swimming then?

And:

Maggie: So Bianca, you wanna go to Brooke and Edmund’s wedding together?
Bianca: Aren’t you going with Tim as your date?
Maggie: And? You can still have a date with three people, right? Right?!

Talk about upping the sexual ambiguity factor. And all Bianca can do is play Elizabeth Bennett and try to matchmake. This is not the time for acting like a character in Pride and Prejudice. I have one word for her: experimentation.

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