“Going to Nevada to find Maria”. That’s all I ever hear on the show nowadays. Well, that and “Proteus millions”. Personally I think “going to Nevada to find Maria” is gamblers’ code for hitting the casinos in Vegas.
So Brooke decided to get in a little pre-wedding gambling in and headed down to Nevada with Tad, under the pretense of finding out if some woman who sounds exactly like very dead Maria Grey, who is also a doctor and shares her blood type and initials, is actually her. How very Gary Hogeboom of her.
Before Brooke could get to Vegas and stay in the Montecito (
where she would meet someone who looked and sounded exactly like Leo DuPres as well as Sonny Corleone and that bony chick who’s dating Jack Nicholson) she ran into the Hawkins to Maria’s Hogeboom, one Maureen Gorman.
Brooke was so shocked that she immediately fainted at the sight. Hey, I was gobsmacked at the size of those fake boobs Maureen’s sporting too. Wonder if they’re new or if she got them after she came back from the dead?
There was also a handy flashback which informed viewers just how Brooke had actually witnessed Maria die. It seems that Maria’s tragic death was as a result of…falling through a floor? Man, that’s lame. Anna’s ‘death’ and subsequent amnesia was because of a boat exploding and all Maria got was shoddy construction work.
Instead of the gambling fun she had been looking forward to, Brooke faced a difficult decision. Would she tell Edmund that there happened to be a woman who looked like, sounded like and possibly shared his late wife’s cup size?
The answer, if you’ve seen a soapie ever, should be obvious. Of course she wouldn’t. Brooke decided she was tired of being Miss Nice Girl, always doing the right thing and never getting her way and promised God she would lie, cheat and steal to keep Edmund. And God would be OK with this why exactly?
There was no way that was going to explode in her face, right? Except for the fact that Edmund wants to go to Nevada to play the slots…er, “go to Nevada to find Maria” and Maureen-who-is-not-Maria decided to take a trip to Pine Valley itself.
Oh dear. Miss Maureenia has not yet bumped into any of Maria’s old compatriots who will no doubt gape at her aliveness and surgical enhancements, but it’s all a matter of time. The only people she had bumped into thus far have been a dreaded bird-watching bagsnatcher and Wooden Aiden.
Despite being all suspicious and paranoid, Maureenia immediately put her life in this total stranger’s hands and went home with him. Well, wood is such a trustworthy, dependable material so you can see where Maureen was coming from.
Speaking of wooden men, a brand new character arrived in Pine Valley: Dr Frank
Lomax Hubbard,
head of Crane security who was given the task of tracking down Ethan Crane’s stalker poor dead awesome Jesse’s medically minded son was the latest arrival and immediately set to work sexually harassing his patients.
Said patient was Simone, who, worn down with the death of her lover Roger, the loss of her best gal pal Greenlee, and Daddy Issues, had accidentally downed a deadly cocktail of booze and pills. Frank stroked her face and told her that there was clearly a brain behind that pretty face of hers.
Hands off there, Hubbard. Just because Grey’s Anatomy has its interns going at it like rabbits doesn’t mean you have to get all touchy with the patients. Didn’t you see the episode where they all get syphilis?
When not taking on patients with Daddy Issues as his own personal crusade, Frank is sharing scenes with old flame, Mia. It’s just as exciting as you can imagine. It seems that Frank is (unbeknownst to him) the father of Mia’s brat, the same one that Trey used to blackmail her a while back.
Now Trey is once again blackmailing Mia, but this time with a little more personal anger thrown in. “You’ll be burning in hell for what you did, throwing away an innocent child like you did. How could you abandon your kid like that?”
Ooh, moral righteousness from the eeeevil lawyer. Do I smell the scent of adoptive abandonment anger (aka Kendallitis) in the air?
More layers to Trey’s not-completely-eeeevil personality were revealed when he paid for a kid’s life-saving operation with his own money and his touching devotion to Vanessa as she lay in hospital dying.
If only all attorneys would show such devotion to their clients. Of course, he wants to know where Vanessa’s millions are but hey, all that lawyerly devotion has got to be raking up the hourly rates. She’ll owe him that much money if he spends much more time fretting over her bedside.
Oh yeah, and she’s actually his mother. So Trey’s strange relationship with her stems as much from him being her secret bastard son as it does from his greed. Is there any character on this show that doesn’t have parental issues of some kind?
Not so much Greenlee anymore since Roger is dead. Sniff sniff. So she has only half the parental issues. Leo on the other hand has an even weirder parental thing going on since Vanessa ended up dying on him.
Don’t worry, it was only temporary. She came back from the dead in a suitably horror movie scene because she is The Thing That Wouldn’t Die and developed a new personality called Nessa.
Nessa is a sweet old woman who hates murder and violence and is very sorry for all the nasty things that mean dominant personality Vanessa is done. She just wants to a good mother to Leo and friend with Greenlee. Oh joy, she can be Greenlee’s new gal pal replacement for Simone. They can paint their toenails and gossip about boys.
Or they could if Vanessa wasn’t so obviously faking it. The doctors all claim that it’s a real case of multiple personalities but I know better. Vanessa’s latest personality is as fake as Maria’s boobs.
More fakeness news: Liza found out that Adam was trying to make her seem crazy so she started acting crazy to psyhe him out. But he found out that she knew. Then she found out that he knew that she knew so she pretended she didn’t know that she knew that he knew that she knew. But in doing so, he ended up knowing that she knew that he knew that she knew that he knew that she knew and than my head started spinning and I passed out.
When I came to, Adam had fooled Liza and run away with Colby the same way that Liza always threatened to. Well Liza, if you maybe hadn’t told him often enough how you wanted to do that very same thing, he might not have gotten the idea. Sometimes you just have to keep your kidnapping schemes to yourself to prevent other people poaching them.
One schemer who knows when to keep her mouth shut is Kendall who has a couple of schemes going on at the moment. She’s worming her way into Palmer’s wallet by playing upon his memories of his dead niece, Dixie, and babysitting his son (who’s great by the way. I usually hate the precocious moppets but Petey is a delightfully snakelike young bastard).
As usual, she’s trying to destroy her mother. This time around, she’s trying to join forces with Greenlee so they can take down Erica together – a move of which I fully approve. Viva the unholy alliance of narcissistic bitches, viva! She’s also hotting it up everyone she shares scenes with, including Wooden and Trey.
Mmm, Kendall and Trey are sex-ay. I suppose I should just ignore the anvil that fell about Trey and Kendall’s rapist daddy Richard Fields being soundalikes, because that might mean they’re siblings and that would be icky.
Finally more ickiness comes in the form of the Teen Scene. Summer in the soapies brings with it the Teen Scene and their mostly boringass teen romances. So the viewers are treated to such fascinating scenes as Maggie and Tim’s tedious flirtations, JR and some other girl’s (who’s so pointless, I can’t even remember her name) just as tedious romance, and Bianca playing second banana matchmaker-type person to them all. Fun.
JR’s also sleeping in a boat for some reason. Why? Oh right, the ubiquitous Daddy Issues. Taddy Daddy Issues. When Tad left to “Look for Maria in Nevada”, he didn’t bother to tell JR instead opting to leave him a post-it. Nice, Tad. If you must go gambling, boozing and whoring, then at least take your stepson along.
But don’t worry, their relationship will be fine. It’s like a bridge made out of Lego, all blocky and colourful and in need of a strong foundation. Or something. Hey, don’t blame me for the crappy analogy; it was Tad that came up with it..
I don’t mind JR in small doses so this new teen angst that’s increasing his airtime isn’t exactly welcome. Though I didn’t mind him and Tim together, bonding and talking about “taking the plunge”. Tim and JR are pretty cute together.
In fact, this Teen Scene would be way more interesting if JR and Tim embarked on a tentative romance (like they don’t both ping the gaydar anyway) and Maggie stopped her snoozy flirtations with Tim and discovered her secret lust for Bianca (Hey, they’re already going out on prom dates and giving wedding gifts together, this is the logical next step). I would watch an all gay Teen Scene.