Since the last time I wrote about the ridiculousness of Passions, lots and lots of crazy, exciting stuff has happened. Strangely it’s still the same day as it’s been for two months of whatever, so it just goes to show you that technically Passions isn’t slow-moving at all. More happens within a Passions day than a month in other shows.
First the non-supernatural, romantic stuff. Like Sheridan and Luis who are probably going to get married even though every omen has spoken ill of their future. They went to a Chinese restaurant and got a dire fortune cookie, and worse, their love noodle broke.
Despite what it sounds like, the love noodle is not in fact something dirty. It’s a Lady And The Tramp noodle test where the couple sucks on a noodle and if it doesn’t break, they’re meant for each other. A broken noodle means their love is doomed and they will be separated forever. In Harmony, even complex carbohydrates aren’t exempt from Fate.
Other notable Chinese restaurant happenings include Whitney getting a fortune cookie with the words “You will soon know the love of a brother” (Insert giggling ewwww here) and some bad Chinese stereotypes being played with when Julian ate some of the restaurant owner’s Meow Mix, with a very special feline ingredient.
Don’t worry, the secret ingredient turned out to be cat food, not actual cat. No animals were harmed during the making of this production. Several actors were however when their brains exploded from having to recite lines like “Our love noodle broke! This means we’re doomed forever!”
As is her wont, Theresa ignored her own ill-omened love noodle and instead chose to believe that Fate trumped Chinese food. Her latest dilemma involves whether to sleep with Ethan before marriage, since she’s a good Catholic girl and all.
Argh! Must I watch this same plot in every single soap? If I see even a glimpse of a damn purity ring, I am off the Theresa/Ethan train for good.
Theresa found it hard to keep her promise to remain a virgin until marriage and decided to screw it...er, I mean the promise, not Ethan. Though him too. But a disapproving photo of her mother staring up at her from her dressing table doused any lustful feelings with cold water. Dude, just set the picture face-down and get back to business.
Noting Theresa’s guilt-ridden face, Ethan stopped groping and frenching her. He was not going to cause her any undue distress by boinking her before she was ready. But he did have something up his sleeve.
Ethan: Theresa, if it’s your wish to remain a virgin until marriage, I will respect that. But there are ways of making love without ‘making love’. Close your eyes, I have a surprise for you.
Me: Omigod! He’s totally going to go down on her! Woohoo, soap just referenced oral sex!
Ethan: OK, open your eyes.
Theresa: Ooh, pretty candles. And dancing.
Ethan: See? I told you we could be able to make love with actually making love.
Me: Candles? Unless Theresa’s got some kinky dripping wax fetish, this is the biggest gyp ever.
But Ethan and Theresa, as well as everyone else in town, were rudely interrupted before they could do anything by a cataclysmic event happening at the Bennett house. Involving the closet to hell, natch.
Miguel decided he was going to descend into hell and try and rescue his beloved Charity. Again. I don’t know why he thinks it’s going to work this time, but Miguelito’s never been one for deep thought.
As he stood in front of the closet, a giant ‘serpent monster’ salvaged from the Jim Henson rejects bin came out and attacked Miguel. As special effects go, Snakey has a certain old-fashioned charm. With them newfangled devices known as computers, you don’t see muppety creatures anymore.
No, I don’t know why it’s supposed to be a serpent since it looks like a worm thing with arms. All I know is that those returns from the Hidden Passions book crossover must not have been half bad because a silly animatronic serpent is miles better than the animated demon silhouettes they used to have.
This is the reason why the actors will be paid in crackers and cheese for the next six monthsAnyway, Grace managed to get rid of the serpent, which got bored by listening to her bitch about Sam lying to her and slithered back into hell. But this was not the last to be seen of Snakey – with the better half of the year’s budget no doubt spent on the thing, it was going to provide as much mileage as it could.
After taking off his shirt so the others could examine his snake-administered wound, Miguel once again decided he would go into hell. Some people never learn, do they? Courageous pecs and brave abs glistening, he jumped back into hell. Still shirtless.
Oh my sweet Aunt Fanny. Who the bleeding heck goes into hell without a shirt on? You’d think with the burning flames, you’d want a bit of coverage. If ever there was an occasion to forego the gratuitous shirtlessness, a descent into the fires of hell to face demons and serpent demons qualifies.
Snakey captured Miguel and promised to send him into the tenth level of hell. I love how he’s so specific. Wonder what’s on the tenth level? Having various body parts eaten by vultures, in between level nine (leeches and spiders department) and level eleven (ladies’ footwear department).
Kay foolishly decided to follow him into hell, as Simone tried to stop her. The magic and sorcery radiating from hell caused Simone to suddenly change appearance and look completely different. Or possibly the original actress went mad and was sent to the same asylum the original Kay, Jessica and Gwen were sent to after their mental breakdowns.
Actually it was a two-for-one offer on character recasts because Hank reappeared as a blonde pretty boy. Aw, I really liked the original Hank. Even if I did find him to have an abnormally round head. Goodbye, sweet original Hank. I knew you were doomed to recast hell when you disappeared for several months without a word.
But who cares about the recasts when a hellish disaster was taking place? The closet was causing the house to shake and fall apart as it was slowly sucked into hell. The other citizens of Harmony noticed something was up at the Bennett house, because it’s hard to miss when a crop of batlike demons fly out at you, and tried to rescue the people trapped inside the house.
My female heart melted into a pitiful puddle of shame for watching this crap when the most sexist and ridiculous of scenes followed. All of the menfolk of Harmony (sans Julian because he’s a cowardly louse) naturally had the role of rescuers while the womenfolk went next door to drink tea and worry over their manly lovers.
That wasn’t even as bad as the silly, silly scene where, after their menfolk had burned themselves trying to get into the burning Bennett house, the womenfolk filed in with tubs and bandages at the ready to wash the menfolk’s wounds. Trust me, it looked even more ridiculously Victorian and sexist than it sounds.
The SWAT team stopped by to give the menfolk some riot shields and then retreated to a safe distance to sip lemonade and watch the civilians do their work for them. Later the firefighters dropped by and loaned the menfolk some uniforms as they joined the SWAT team for that lemonade.
Are the emergency services of Harmony volunteer-run or something? And they wonder how evil has managed to overtake the town with a SWAT and fire team that lets freakin’ lawyers and musicians and high school nerds do all the dangerous work for them.
Seeing as how the only people to rescue them were the regular cast of idiots, Miguel, Charity and Kay looked doomed. But Timmy stepped in and saved the day by throwing a deus ex machi-claw into Charity’s closet, sealing off the portal to hell forever.
Never send a bunch of clueless morons in borrowed fire uniforms to do a doll’s job.
Timmy’s actions meant that the three hellish prisoners managed to escape (Nooooo! Get back in there, Charity and Miguel! You’re better off there!) as the Bennett house descended into the earth, taking with it the rest of the year’s budget.
Thanks to the healing power of prayer, the tiresome threesome managed to escape without a scratch. Miguel and Charity truly are like Chucky and Bride of Chucky with the how they just can’t *bleep!* die. I fear them more than I fear hell.
Tabitha and Timmy too managed to escape the house before it was swallowed up by the bowels of the earth and ended up in a tree. In what must be the worst explanation for anything ever, they explained their miraculous escape by claiming the winds generated from the house being sucked into the earth carried them up there.
The Harmonians helped them down the tree and nobody bothered to ask them just why they were up a tree, except for Reese who now believes Tabitha is a witch because he never sees her pray. Man, where’s my broomstick because I’d totally be a witch in Harmony.
Tabitha then gave the second worst explanation for anything ever by telling them this: “I was sorting through clothes to give to the needy when I heard a loud noise outside. I looked to see the Bennett house being consumed by the earth. Naturally I feared my house was next so I ran out and sought safety in this tree.”
Only the truly witless could believe such a cover story. So it will come as no surprise to hear that everyone but Reese did.
With so many candidates to choose from (shirtless Miguel, the emergency services of Harmony, the menfolk and womenfolk of Harmony), you’d think I’d have a hard time giving out the Dummy to a single person. But it’s easy to pick Grace as the stupidest person in Soapiedom because of this:
Ethan: Aiiiieeee!! Demons have me and are trying to drag me into hell!
Sam: Hold on, I’ll save you! [Sam saves him from certain doom]
Grace: You saved Ethan from certain doom! Clearly this proves you still have unresolved feelings from Ivy and love her. You suck, Sam.
A little later:
Ethan: I will douse myself in water and jump through the flames to rescue Theresa’s brother and my new half-sister. Oh yeah, and that other freaky-looking blonde chick. [Rushes towards the inferno]
Sam: No, Ethan! You’ll be burned within seconds! [Sam rescues him from imminent death]
Grace: Sam, how dare you rescue your son by Ivy from imminent death? Clearly this means you are still in love with her yet are unwilling to admit it! You horrible, lying man.
And later:
Sam: Oh no! Despite the best efforts of my and the other menfolk of Harmony, the house has been swallowed up by the earth! I have lost my daughter! I have failed three innocent children! Whhhhyyyy??? [Breaks down and cries]
Grace: My daughter and niece are dead! This is all your fault, Sam. You promised you wouldn’t let them die and they did. Your promises mean nothing! This is why I cannot trust you. Your love is meaningless.
With this constant refrain, Grace earns herself a massive SHUT UP, YOU PUTRID HAG!! I DON’T SEE YOU HAVING TO BE HELD BACK FROM JUMPING INTO THE FLAMES AND LEAD THE RESCUE OPERATION!! DIE, GRACE, DIE!