G’day mates! Steve ‘Bloody’ Erwin here, and t’day I’m with one of my favourite wildlife creatures: the Great Judd, or, by his Latin name,
Vulgaris Vomitus Vulgari.
We’ve been following his movements for bloody weeks now! The big question we want answered is: how does something so bloody stupid survive and breed?
I’ve been toying with the idea that this is in fact a lost species of dinosaur that we previously thought was extinct. Consider his prehistoric attitude towards hygiene.
This week, we have a look at the even more bizarre mating ritual of
The Judd. Look as he is transformed upon sighting his
‘mate’: the chest is automatically puffed out, and the gut sucked in, reducing the ‘fat slob pig’ effect. Optical illusion is the only explanation we’re willing to accept for him being able to attract a mate in the first place.
Note how he shows off around his home, showing his mate his most advance concepts, such as
‘sleeping’ and ‘
drinking water’. She seems impressed that he is able to actually discern
‘water’ from ‘
other stuff’ without her help. She finds this completely hot. It’s
bloody perplexing, mate.
In a bold move, he has declared his love for her by stacking her up against 120 of his favourite food (
‘burgers’) and found her to be adequate. The mystery continues!
Alright, let’s have a look at this telling piece of evidence: a snapshot from his daily life:
Judd: It’s just a game; we all want someone to go home sometime. It’s part of the game. If you want to get ahead, you have to deal with it. No hard feelings.Jeff: 13th person voted off: Judd.Judd: Scumbags!
Crikey mate! Proof that
The Judd has an attention span of less than five seconds! The answer the question
‘How do Judd’s survive?’ is that their short attention span means that they’re continuously forgetting to die! Gee whiz!
Time ta feed the croc!
.........
Alright, so you know how I feel about Judd. I’m not exactly sad to see him leave, I’m just sad for the rest of the world.
The Bait
Danni was in trouble. We all knew that, she knew that, and Judd occasionally knew that. Lydia may well have known it, so long as Steph told her she knew it, and Steph was ok with her knowing it.
It was the perfect set up for a little bit of Survivor intrigue.
Mark Burnett: Crikey bloody Moses in a hatbox!Jeff: Geez, Mark.You get more obscure everyday.Mark: No time for word games! We’ve got to do something about this Judd situation. Jeff: Mental challenges?Mark: Well, yeah, mate, obviously, but we need a plan to get Danni Immunity something… hey, can we legally-Jeff: No.Mark: Crocodi-Jeff: No.Steve Irwin: I’ve been stalking this one croc for weeks! He’s bloody huu-!Jeff: *bang*Steve: Crikey, mate, I'm dead.Mark: Thanks Jeff. Bloody Australian. Anyway, do whatever you can to get Danni that Immunity! So, in the end, Jeff did it the old fashioned American way, and sold it to her.
The Reward Challenge started out innocently enough: buy some stuff to eat. This was a devious ploy by Jeff and Mickey B, because they knew that the thought of food would turn Steph’s brain to mush. Add Judd and Lydia to that group, and you have three mushy brains that won’t try to outbid Danni.
After Danni bought her way into the Final 5, Jeff revealed his final surprise: the Survivors would bid for.. people! Jeff lined a bunch of people up, and I thought maybe he was selling their souls to the Gods, the old fashioned Mayan way. Woohoo! Voodoo!
Alas, it was just a family reunion reward. We had Rafe’s mom; Cindy’s Mindy; Judd’s inexplicable wife (blink twice if you’re being held against your will, ma’am!); Lydia’s long lost brother (Man, he’d been running from the law that long, and Jeff blows his cover on International TV), Danni’s dog-groomer; and Steph’s bottle-tan-sharing-non-committing boyfriend.
After much bartering, wheeling, dealing, and maybe stealing (hey, this is Judd we’re talking about), we were stuck with having to watch the Judd and confusingly normal wife, Cindy with confusingly similar sister, and Steph with confusingly robotic boyfriend.
The Switch
This left Danni, Rafe, and Lydia on the other team, hanging out in the old camp and just shooting the breeze. Once they’d run out of ammo, they got to talking.
Danni: Hmmm, I sure would like to vote Judd out.Rafe: Oh my god you do? Oh we have such a connection.Lydia: Oh, uh, yeah. Let’s vote Judd out. It’s part of my genius plan. That I just thought of now.Danni: All we need to do is get Judd caught in a lie.Rafe: So, we should just let him talk like normal?Danni: Exactly!Lydia: Awesome, I’m glad you guys are down with my plan.
Check Mate
Jeff: this puzzle will be a test of your mental agility.Judd: Whew! At least it won’t be a test of mental agility. Danni must have done something in a previous life for the Survivor Gods to take so kindly to her. Aside from the above
‘Hand Me Immunity On a Platter’ Reward Challenge, she lands up in a mental challenge with people who, while they may be mental, aren’t too bright.
It was just too easy for her to pick her spot, and worm her way into the final five. It’s genius, really. Judd won’t remember what happened, Steph will think it was her idea, Lydia will tick it off of her Genius Plan’s To-Do list (as soon as she writes it), and Cindy’s name rhymes with her twins name, so she doesn’t count at all.
This week’s winner of the
Shallow End of the Gene Pool Award goes to whatever’s inside Dino’s belly. Can you tell who it is?
This week’s winner of the
Let These Persons Breed Award goes to Jeff Probst and Mark Burnett for being evil and helping to make this particular species of The Judd extinct from our TV sets, forever.