Murders! Weddings! Horrible break-ups! Organ transplants! Deliberate attempts to drive someone crazy! People riding off into the sunset on motorcycles! What more could you ask for on a soapie?
All sorts of soapy situations have arisen within the past few weeks. The most boring and anticlimactic of which was undoubtedly the Vaughn Spawn’s liver transplant. Some cute, dorky, kinda gay guy by the name of Tim provided said liver. OK, he wasn’t just some guy, he’s Hayley’s cousin or nephew or something but I couldn’t be bothered to find out exactly what the family connection.
He seems to have some sort of secret as well but to be honest, I’m all secreted out from these various soapies so I’m not on the edge of my seat with this one, as nice as I do find young Tim Dillon. Plus his story is so far inextricably linked with Hayley and Mateo’s so there’s even more of a boredom factor.
Far worse than new characters I care nothing about is Mateo, who’s been temporarily replaced by a greasy uggo that manages to come across as creepy and bland at the same time. He has me missing the pointy assholishness of real Mateo…and for that he must die.
So that stuff’s boring. But there’s plenty more stuff that I have been finding pretty interesting. Like Adam’s evil plot to drive Liza crazy. As revenge for her embezzling, double-standards-having ways, he’s turning on all his bastardry to deal with her and her sock puppet of a sister.
He’s enlisted the help of Trey aka The Only Lawyer In Pine Valley Who’s Not The DA, by digging up dirt on his past and finding out that he’s actually
Tom Ripley. See, the real Trey Kenyon died in a boating accident and this guy who claims to be Trey took over his identity. There may or may not have been a homoerotic obsession and Gwyneth Paltrow involved but I hope not. For Trey’s sake. I wouldn’t wish Gwyneth Paltrow even on him.
The latest thing that Adam has done to convince Liza she is losing her ever-loving mind is to ‘accidentally find’ a torn shirt at the back of her cupboard. This, he claims, is because Liza is
having an affair with The Incredible Hulk cutting up all his shirts in a crazed temper tantrum. Yep, driving someone crazy is all in the details.
Trey may be busy being Adam’s bitch (and a million other people’s legal representation) but this does not mean he did not have time to try and defend Kendall. Or ‘defend’ her at any rate. He told her to plead insanity at her arson trial because pleading insanity is as good as claiming you have a brain tumour in denying all responsibility for crimes.
Kendall did not like the thought of spending the rest of her life in a straitjacket so she decided to go undercover and prove that she was innocent by sneaking into the construction site of Erica’s new apartment and planting a listening device.
There was only one thing standing in her way – Wooden…sorry, I mean Aidan, secret agent slash construction worker. Kendall decided to flash her boobs as a diversionary tactic, as sneaky, hot chicks who are up to no good tend to do in movies.
Unluckily for her, just as Aidan was getting acquainted with the intricacies of Kendall’s purple bra, Ryan walked in and saw them. He was less than impressed:
Ryan: Oh my God! I can’t believe this. I can’t believe what I’m looking at.
Kendall: Wait! It’s not what it looks like.
Ryan: It looks like you’re trying to get into Erica’s half-built apartment by seducing the construction guy. On the day we’re supposed to get married too.
Kendall: OK, it’s exactly what it looks like. But what’s the big deal about a little sexual distraction? So what if you caught me in a compromising position with some guy when I promised to love you and only you for the rest of my life? I still love you.
Ryan: I’ve been horribly betrayed. That’s it, the wedding is OFF! And I’m outta here. [Ryan rushes out]
Kendall: Wait, Ryan! Ryan! Ryyyyaaaannnnn!!! [breaks down into laughably bad crying]
Aidan: So…I guess this means we won’t be having hot construction site sex then?
Kendall: WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Aidan: Bugger.
Ryan zipped off on his motorcycle and Kendall was left alone, all alone. After a few hours of laughably bad crying, she toughened up and decided to place the blame squarely on the person who deserved it the most. Erica, of course.
Yes, somehow this was all Erica’s fault for…having a hottie construction guy who was also a spy so seductive distraction tactics were necessary to get past him. Or something. Kendall wiped away her tears, got angry and decided to show Erica who she was dealing with by attending her trial and proving herself innocent.
But when she got there, Erica had already managed to get Kendall acquitted by proving that she couldn’t possibly have been at the house at the time the fire was set. Damn Erica! Saving Kendall from prison and stealing all her thunder. This caused Kendall to hate Erica even more and swear revenge. Because Kendall’s logic does not resemble our earth logic.
Kendall’s wedding was aborted before it could even happen, unlike Greenlee and Leo’s wedding. This wedding too was overshadowed by disaster but at least the bride and groom got to the altar.
Leo decided to tempt – no, even worse – moon Fate by telling Greenlee every five seconds how nothing bad was going to happen on their wedding day and how things were going to go off without a hitch (pun not intended).
This of course was complete crap because no soapie weddings can ever go well. That’s why all soapie characters should elope like Anna and David did, and avoid the stress.
The big danger that threatened Leo and Greenlee’s nuptials was Comte DuPres’s thuggish henchman, Wolf. This balding European evildoer disguised himself as a doctor so he could infiltrate the nuthouse where Vanessa was being held and inject her full of drugs and question her as to where she had hidden all her drug money.
I found him to be a poor excuse for a villain. Shut up, Wolf. I know Dr Rolf, and you sir are no Dr Rolf.
Wolf somehow broke Vanessa out of the nuthouse (do they have blind people as security over there?) and tried to shoot Leo at the wedding. Luckily for Leo, he had an attack of nerves and ran off, taking Greenlee with him. Hmmm. I don’t think he quite gets the concept of leaving someone at the altar and how you’re not supposed to take them with you.
So Wolf failed to shoot Leo. Hooray! But alas, the bullet hit that smarmy ratbastard, Roger. Noooo!!! Not Roger! Not my favourite bad dad and all around awful person!! Damn you, Wolf, DAMN YOU TO HEEEELLLLL!!!! EAT LEAD AND DIE!!!!
Anna was happy to oblige and shot the French bastard as he tried to run away. Go, Anna!! That’ll teach him to shoot the smarmy yet totally fun-to-watch bastards.
But will Roger live? Will the bullet have bounced off his forest of chest hair and missed his heart? What the hell is Greenlee’s reaction going to be when she learns that her dad was shot on her wedding day?