I may not have any psychic powers like Celeste but even I can see the shadow of DEATH falling upon Jack and Abe. With the show telegraphing their possible imminent death so much, I’d have to be blind not to see it.
Things aren’t looking good for the intrepid reporter and Salem’s police chief. Their wives are worrying their heads off because the men have been writing up their wills in case of something untoward happening to them.
Abe has decided to avoid possible DEATH by retiring from the police force to focus on his family. Oh dear. Abe should read up on his TV and movie clichés because the cop getting killed one day before he retires is a staple of pretty much every cop show and movie ever. Abe would have been safer joining the SWAT team or going undercover as a mobster than doing something so deadly as retiring.
Abe is not the only one playing with fire and risking DEATH. Jack is also risking his life by…being an investigative reporter and doing his job. For some reason, his latest investigation is particularly dangerous and has Jen on edge, worried about her husband.
Oh come on, Jen. It’s not like Jack’s an amateur at this kind of thing. Before he was boring us all to death on In Da Shithouse, he was investigating all sorts of crap. How come now it’s suddenly more dangerous than before? It’s because that gawdawful TV show of yours has pussified you. Yet another reason that In Da Shithouse sucks – it turned Jack and Jen into pussies.
Or maybe Jen is worried because she has seen the ends of episodes where the stupid graphic the show always has for the final shot has been Jack in a crosshair or Jack surrounded by red. Even the idiots responsible for the graphics know that Jack’s doomed.
Abe and Jack seem even more doomed if you consider the number of people making threatening comments about them. There’s Tony, who’s the one being investigated by both Jack and Abe for…who knows what he’s being investigated for this time around. Bo and Hope’s attack? General shiftiness? He’s the main suspect for everything.
Then there’s Sami who has a grudge against Abe because she believes he took away her precious, precious Brandon from him. Oh, Sami. Abe did you a favour. You should be thanking him. Maybe when you finally get it on with Lucas, you’ll send Abe a nice bouquet or something.
Speaking of Sami, her son has come back from camp and, as expected, has grown a few inches and years. He’s a bit odd-looking but not nearly as annoying as newly grown Abby. I’d suggest that there be a tween romance between the two of them but I want to watch adults act like fools, not kiddies. Plus Will and Abby is totally related. Heck, Will is related to pretty much everybody in Salem, so his oddness isn’t the only thing he has going against him socially.
Also on the list of possible suspects, there’s Nicole and/or Victor, who are wary of Abe and/or Jack getting closer to the truth of Colon Murphy’s murder. Abe has recently stumbled upon such damning evidence as a picture of Colon Murphy’s hand which somehow proves that he was outside talking to Nicole (I may not have been paying much attention), and Jack found some catering chick who saw something incriminating.
Because prolonged time around Brady has turned her brain to mush (why yes, I can blame anything on Brady. Who do you think caused the hole in the Ozone layer?), Nicole has thought that killing Abe might be the way to go to protect her murderous secret. Sigh. Uh, Nicole? You do know that when members of the police force die, their cases aren’t just sent with them on a burning boat to Valhalla.
But maybe Nicole’s sudden cluelessness is because she’s losing her mind. Earlier she was spilling ketchup all over her hand and screaming in horror because her manicure was ruined…sorry, I mean it reminded her of Colon Murphy’s blood. Out damned ketchup stain! Yeah, Macbeth this aint.
Who else is a possible murderer? Right, there’s Rex. He has all kinds of anger issues going on. You won’t believe how bad his anger issues are. He does things like trash-talk his opponents at basketball games. And gets hostile when he loses said basketball game. Gasp! A guy getting all riled up over sports?! This has never happened in the history of ever! Clear murderer.
But there’s even more damning evidence of Rex’s temper. He also stabbed a loaf of bread with a knife during one of Shawn’s may, many instances of accusing him. Such abuse of baked goods can only mean one thing – murderer!
Belle had one of those rare moments where I agreed with her and got sick of Shawn’s constant self-righteous slating of Rex. She raked him across the coals and told him how tired she was of his Rex-hate and how he automatically assumes Rex is the spawn of Satan. I was so happy to hear her say this that I almost managed to overlook how she was guilty of almost the same thing with regards to Cassie.
Belle then came up with the brilliant idea of having a friendly dinner where Rex and Shawn could resolve their differences and learn to get along. You can imagine how well that turned out. Well, what do you expect when the main dinner activity is a mock trial to determine Rex’s guilt?
Like Belle, poor Mimi is caught in the middle of the Rex/Shawn feud, as well as having to deal with a host of other problems. No, I’m not just talking about the ugly hair she’s been sporting. Her mother, Bonnie, stole all her money from appearing on Love Is Blind and now Mimi is broke.
Bonnie tried to justify her actions by claiming she had invested it (on horses and Lotto tickets, no doubt) so she could get enough money to open a bar. I’m just sorry that Bonnie didn’t invest any of her ill-gotten gains on some tasteful tops, because I have no desire to see Bonnie’s massive bra-bedecked boobs peeking out of me from under her see-through tops.
It feels a bit odd to end on a note of Bonnie’s boobs so I’ll quickly change the subject before I go. Back to Shawn’s irrational and frankly stupid hatred of Rex that’s making me hate him all over again. It’s so stupid, I’m giving him the Dummy award.
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