I don’t quite know how it happened but Harmony seems to have experienced an infestation of Incluenza. Ordinary people who are generally not too bright are suddenly being struck down with the Clue out of nowhere. Very strange. Maybe Dr Eve Russell forgot to give everyone inoculations this year.
The primary infection matrix appears to be Harmony Hospital where the Russells and those closest to them have come down with Clue. This particular strain of Clue causes one to suddenly find oneself to have startling revelations about the identity of Chad’s birthparents.
The first to exhibit the symptoms was Grace who, when told by Eve of her affair with Julian and illegitimate child that supposedly died, suggested that maybe the baby hadn’t died and was in fact Chad.
Then Chad himself started showing symptoms when he deduced that Julian Crane might be his father because his father was a rich, white racist and Julian fits the bill. Yes, because rich, white bigots are so rare in this world.
Most surprisingly of all was OJ, who made the connection that the reason his wife always acted so strange when she was around Julian and whenever anyone brought up illegitimate babies was because she had had Julian’s baby many years ago, and that Chad might be that baby all grown up.
I don’t know what to say. All these people having sudden revelations out of nowhere. I feel I need to acknowledge it somehow by giving them some sort of anti-Dummy.
Are all of these people correct? The giant anvils that the show has been dropping for months about Chad’s paternity would seem to indicate so. The fact that Chad and Whitney have finally admitted their feelings and started playing tongue hockey would make it doubly so, because the dramatic irony and grossness factors would be off the charts.
Only a DNA test on the hospital’s ancient stiffy disk-based computer database can reveal the answer. Eve is nervous as hell that this DNA test will reveal that Chad is her illegitimate spawn and that Whitney is going to get together with her brother. She’s so scared, she’s having hilarious dream sequences where she’s a guest on the ‘Larry Winger’ Show and her daughter’s a trashy brother-loving skank. Basically everything you’d find on Jerry Springer, only with worse acting. Lookie, pictures:
"How could you, mama?! Ah'm pregnant with mah brother's baaaaby!"
Julian needed a nurse after OJ (as usual) beat the *bleep!* outta him.
The bloodthirsty audience loves OJ's psychotic breaks just fine though.
Actually this lot look pretty tame for Springer guests. Maybe Julian should've come out in a KKK outfit.
Oh no, she di'int! I love trashy ho Whitney.
Trash TV at its finest.
Besides providing some well-meaning yet stupid advice to Eve (“Tell your mentally unstable husband about your former affair with his worst enemy whom he has constantly threatened to kill. I’m sure he’ll understand”), Grace has not done much beyond her usual whining about how Sam lied to her and is responsible for her baby’s death. It’s gotten to a point where I find myself chanting “Shut yo’ face, Grace” whenever she’s onscreen.
For a brief instant of hope, I thought she might let up on the Sam-bashing and forgive him for his supposed sins when she overheard him and Ivy talking. She asked him whether he ever thought about the night that Ethan was conceived and he said he did all the time…but only as a way to compare it to his life with Grace and how much better Grace was than Ivy. Suuuurrre, Sam. You think about the sex with Ivy all the time because you love Grace so much. We believe you.
Grace bought this though, and I rejoiced. But then dim Sam had to say he saw she was overhearing him and Grace got in a huff again and ARARRRAGGGHHHAHSHUTUPGRACE!!!
Ahem. Outside of the hospital, all sorts of action-packed situations were going on. Sheridan and Luis broke into the Crane archives to look for info on his father. They had t deal with some daunting security – a card scanner that looked like something out of Mission Impossible. No, not the movie. Not even the original 60s version. I’m talking about the
Nintendo game.
While in the super-secret Crane archives that hold all Crane secrets but are for some reason in an easily-found central location and protected by paltry security, Luis ended up getting electrocuted and died. It looked like there was to be no more Luis/Sheridan love scenes, unless clay and pottery wheels were involved.
But no! For some reason, Luis was returned to earth by God. Hooray! And now Luis and Sheridan have something else in common: near-death experiences. Now that Alistair has learned of their snooping, he intends them to have even more in common: total-death experiences.
He has given Julian the task of killing Sheridan and Luis. Poor Julian does have a conscience buried deep within him and is not happy about this. He’s also not very smart about the whole thing. He’s reading true murder books at the Book Café and plotting and scheming out loud. Oh well, as long as he’s not scrawling his plans on napkins, I’m sure this criminal mastermind won’t be caught.
I can see why Julian might undertake this terrible task himself rather than hire a hitman. Looking at the quality of the hitmen who have passed through Harmony (the Idiot Frenchmen), it’s no surprise Julian thought that even he could do a better job.
On the subject of evil deeds, Hecuba has been defeated. Not by those nitwits, Miguel and Kay though.
The nitwits decided they would have to face Hecuba in her lair in order to save Charity from the toasty torment of hell. Hecuba saw them coming and lured them to a cave where Charity was tied up as demons advanced upon her. Miguel tried desperately to untie her from her not-very-tight bonds but Charity realised it was hopeless.
“Make love to me, Miguel!” she cried. While tied up? Kinky. But wait, what was pure, virginal Charity doing craving sex? This harlot could not possibly be Charity as she is pure and good, and only dirty, dirty whores like Kay want things like sex.
That’s right! It was the return of Evil Charity! She mocked Miguel and threatened to kill his family as he stood watching with a confused look on his face. Then Kay threw a rock at Evil Charity. Which caused Miguel to scream in horror and wonder how Kay could do such a thing. Yes, Charity was using her powers to kill Miguel’s brother and it’s Kay who gets the “How could you?” lecture for throwing a rock at the evil being. Sigh.
Evil Charity was only the beginning. Hecuba captured Kay and Miguel and tied them up as a Slicey Axe Of Overly-Complicated And Easily Escapable Death swung above them.
Tabitha and Timmy watched from the sidelines, aware that once Hecuba had finished with Miguel and Kay, she and Timmy would be next. Tabitha was faced with a great dilemma.
A detour is a choice between two tasks. In “Die Now”, Tabitha stands around doing nothing and gets destroyed by Hecuba as soon as she’s killed Miguel and Kay. This task does not require much effort but will result in instant death. In “Death Later”, Tabitha helps Miguel and Kay rescue Charity and dies later on when Charity and Miguel finally make love. This task is more difficult but will result in a longer lifespan.
Tabby and Timmy chose the second option and helped Miguel and Kay escape their bonds. The teen twits then found the Box Full ’O Angel from last time in the mineshaft and opened it to release a goodly golden light fatal to all evil beings. No angel this time for some reason. This gave Tabby the opportunity to trick Hecuba into a bottle.
I was going to put a bad riff off Genie In A Bottle here but I thought I’d spare myself and everyone the embarrassment.
Much to Miguel and Kay’s dismay (OK, not so much Kay’s), Charity is nowhere to be found, despite the defeat of evil in its lair. Is she doomed to suffer in hell forevermore? One can only hope.