I knew it. I just knew it. When I realised
last week that the headwriter of Passions had come on board as headwriter of Days, I just knew we were in for a baaaaad spell. And that’s exactly what’s happened.
It is up to me to detail the myriad idiocies, character assassinations and mass of lost IQ points that have taken place in two brief weeks. But where do I start in this momentous task?
I know. I’ll make a drinking game out of it. Because boozing it up during some of the worst parts of it certainly beats knocking one’s head against the wall in frustration. My own wall is permanently marked by a nasty dent.
Let me start with the fakeouts. The many, many fakeouts where the show tries to make it seem like something significant is about to happen in the next scene. Next scene comes and it’s something completely different. Example:
Marlena: Here we are, Tony. You are in a coma at my mercy. Let me place my hand menacingly on the plug to your life support. I could end your life so easily. All I have to do is pull this plug [Marlena looms over the plug as it cuts to commercial. After the show returns from the ad break, she removes her hand] But I totally would never do that because I’m so much better than you. Psyche!
I got bored one time and decided to count how many there were in an episode. I counted six separate ones.
Take a drink every time the show makes it seem as though something important is about to happen (even though your budgie can figure out it’s not) and then it turns out to be something completely trivial in the next scene.
Flashbacks and dream sequences are also spreading like bunnies. No, bird flu. No, bunnies with bird flu.
Basically take a drink every time there’s an unnecessary flashback to a recent event, a dream sequence of exceeding idiocy, or a flashback to someone’s ‘youth’ complete with Vaseline on the camera lens and bad wigs. If it’s someone fantasising about their brother (yes, I’m looking at you, Cassie), then bash the bottle against your head instead and slip into blissful unconsciousness.
Then there’s the general lowered intelligence of both characters and writing. I bitched a little about this before but the more I see of it, the more frustrated I am.
Certain characters have taken it upon themselves to come up with the stupidest and most unlikely scenarios known to man. These characters have gotten hung up on the fact that Tony is the one responsible for bashing in Bo and Hope’s brains (sadly, not permanently).
I won’t name these genii who have done so for fear of shaming them. Wait, I totally will. It’s John, Marlena, Bo and Hope. Basically their crackpot theory I bitched about last week seems even more worthless and irrational this week because they’re now thoroughly convinced it’s true and harping about it every five seconds.
Riddle me this, oh great spy-type person, John. If Tony was faking his coma, he’d have to do so from the start, correct? Because it’s not like faking still being asleep, it’s a goddamn coma.
Then why would Tony fake being in a coma to take revenge for something they only do two months in the future? Have some of Celeste’s powers of premonition rubbed off on him? Was he just so certain that Bo and Hope would be interfering asses that he decided to lie in a coma for a thousand years until they actually did? ANSWER ME, EYEBROW BOY!!!
The answer is of course John’s an idiot and this is the most ridiculous and nonsensical thing that has ever been on this show. And I include Marlena’s possession by Satan.
At least now Tony has woken up from his coma so John can face him like a man and blame him for *bleep!* he couldn’t possibly have done instead of punching him while he’s in a coma.
Sadly no-one has properly pointed out the near-impossibility of Tony being the culprit, not even Jack who’s supposed to be an investigative reporter. I knew doing that gawdawful TV show would rot his brain. Only dear Sami has reacted with any incredulity, but even she did not go into any depth as to why John’s plan is more unlikely than a square turnip.
Sami has been having issues with John lately which means she gets to bitch about him a lot. This sounds like it would be wonderful, and in many ways it is. But even Sami’s John-hate is being tainted by annoying writing.
For some reason, Sami has reverted to a teenager and is now fixated on John as the one responsible for everything that’s ever gone wrong in her life She is desperate to see Marlena divorce John and get back together with Roman. Never mind the fact that John and Marlena have been married forever and there has been nary a peep from Sami about this until now.
It’s not like I blame Sami for hating John’s living guts. After all, she once walked in on him and her mother *bleep!* on the boardroom table and that’s enough to screw up anyone. I think Sami’s surprisingly sane for someone who had to witness the abomination that is Marlena and John sex.
I just hate that’s she’s suddenly devolving as a character and acting more like a bratty teenager than she’s done in years. Sami’s screwed-up but she is a screwed-up adult, not a thirteen year-old.
Take a drink whenever Sami talks about how parents should be back together or insults John.
Still, Sami’s John-hate does provide some good viewing. With the way John and Marlena have been treating Sami, it’s hard not to be on Sami’s side. Besides the nosey “Don’t go near Tony or you’ll get DiMera cooties” reaction, they’ve been annoying in other ways. Marlena actually voted for Sami to be dismissed from her job at the hospital. Twice.
Then when Marlena felt bad for being a shitty mother who would betray her daughter like that (for people who are so obsessed with family, the Bradys and the Blacks always seem so quiet on the matter when it comes to Sami), she tried to get John to give her a job at Basic Black.
John immediately said no. Because he gives freakin’ Belle and her day-of-the-week underwear a cushy job there when she’s not even out of college but can’t throw a bone for the now unemployed Sami who has a son to support. Ass.
This isn’t surprising considering the following words he had to say about the DiMeras:
John: Lousy DiMeras. Standing behind your family, no matter what the circumstances, is one of the main things behind the DiMera code of ethics. I hate them.
You heard it here first, folks. According to John Black, family loyalty is evil. Your tickets to hell will be delivered to you shortly.
But I’ve spent far too long talking about John and co. Lets move on to the mysterious events taking place at Alice’s house. Yes, it seems that more candles have been flickering ominously. But wait! It’s worse than that. Alice also could not find her picture of Bo and Hope.
What could this mean? Besides Alice’s house being old and draughty and senile Alice being older and draughtier? Celeste stopped by for some handy ESPing and gloomily said that she was having bad vibrations.
I’m picking up bad vibrationsThere gonna be assassinationsOom bop bop Bad vibrationsAccording to Celeste’s bad vibrations, someone is after Bo and Hope. Gee, thanks, Celeste. We couldn’t have figured that out from their brutal attack at the fashion show. But Celeste’s vibes did not yield the results Bo and Hope wanted, which was a clue to the identity of said wannabe murderer.
No matter. Bo and Hope aren’t going to be chasing after someone on the basis of some silly psychic clues anyway. They’ll investigate things the usual way – by assuming it’s Tony and harassing him until he goes insane.
Which, coincidentally, is much the same approach their doofus of a son has adopted. He, Belle, and Philip managed to somehow get past Rex’s many, many security measures and checked out what was in his computer. The many, many security measures being a single password that is – “Gemini”. Yes, the supposed genius would really have Gemini as a password for all his most private and important stuff.
The trio of twits then heard Rex coming up he stairs and escaped out the window. Except for Shawn that is who stayed behind long enough to get caught. Shawn tried to cover his ass by claiming he had broken into Rex’s house and his computer in order to find some tips and tricks on how to play Everquest. No, really. That was Shawn’s brilliant excuse.
Rex did not believe this because though he may be lying about his geniushood if Belle can outsmart his password, he’s not stupid. He got angry and Shawn got angry and accused him of being the head-basher and they got in a fight and there was some shirt-ripping to spice things up.
Shawn naturally got on the Brady high horse (named Fancy Foal. Speaking of, have you ever noticed how Hope looks quite horse-like?) and dared to be angry at Rex based on no evidence at all, despite having trespassed on the guy’s personal property and pissed all over his privacy. Nice.
They also had the following conversation:
Shawn: You killed my parents and I’m gonna call the cops and have you arrested!
Rex: Based on what, idiot? You broke into my house so you’re the one whose ass will be arrested. So HA!
Shawn: Oh yeah? Well everybody worships us Bradys and treats us as above the law anyway so you’re gonna be the one they lock up. So HA yourself.
I know I complain about the Bradys’ preferential treatment a lot, but how can I not when hey basically come out and say it’s true like that. Every time Shawn threatens to do something to Rex for hurting his parents, take a drink.
Meanwhile Philip and Belle tried to escape from the DiMera garden where Bart lurked, ready to pounce on any intruders. Belle and Philip’s skins were saved when Bart found himself far too distracted by Cassie’s hotness to notice them skulking about. Heh. I feel you, Bart my man. Cassie
does rock the lowrider jeans.
Philip and Belle escaped to the car where the following discussion took place:
Belle: Boy, that Cassie sure is a slut. Sunbathing! In the sun! And in a bikini too. Anyway, Philip, let’s randomly talk about love. Specifically how you’re going to find some girl some day who’s right for you and doesn’t run away screaming at the sight of your giant square head. You’ll find your dream girl.
Philip: [Stares
woodenly dreamily at Belle] I already have.
Belle: Teehee. You have? Who’s that?
Philip: Er, you? Remember? I confessed my undying love to you that one time?
Belle: …
Philip: Where’s an overused flashback when you need one?
Oh man, I have blabbed on so much and I still haven’t gotten to what the writers are doing to poor Nicole. They’re doing a similar thing to Sami except in Nicole’s case they’re not even writing her as a teenager but infantilising her. They’re having her visit playground and get all uber excited about swings and in what universe would sophisticated, worldly Nicole possibly get excited about riding a swing and baby-talk like some lobotomy patient? Gah!
Needless to say, it’s all Brady’s fault. It just is. Don’t ask me how.
Nicole is also having sad looks over watching little moppets play and hearing to the tick of her biological clock. She’s disappointed Victor (whose sperm is still kicking at 143) wants kids, only not with her. Or something. I don’t know why she’s suddenly gone all broody. Isn’t Nicole like barren from being shot? Who cares. This plotline sucks.
There is one thing that Nicole wants more than swings and children. Freedom. She wants to be free like a bird. Free free free. Freedom. Freedom. Freedom. FREEEEEEDOM.
Oh, I’m sorry. The theme of freedom seems to have completely taken over Nicole’s dialogue and it did the same thing to my typing. Take a drink every time Nicole or someone in Nicole’s immediate vicinity uses the word ‘freedom’.
I’ve blabbed on for far too much this time around. But before I finally purge my brain of all thoughts of eyebrow-popping asses and other assorted asses, I need to give out the Dummy award. I’ve left it until last because everybody gets it. Yep, it’s a joint award. The entire cast of characters have been behaving like total nincompoops and I couldn’t choose just one.