Soap and marriageSoap and marriageGo together like a horse and carriageAsk the local gentryAnd they will say it’s elementaryMarriage and weddings were on the minds of the citizens of Pine Valley. Marriage fever got so bad that there was even a whole episode dedicated to a freakin’ wedding expo. No boys allowed either.
That particular episode sounds like it should’ve been kinda boring but it was actually surprisingly entertaining mainly because it showcased every single bitchy female rivalry ever and included the best catfight ever.
It was so awesome. Kendall and Greenlee were both in wedding dresses and totally tore into each other in a full-out physical brawl. None of this pansy slapping business, only full-body contact and chokeholds.
But I’m getting ahead of myself. I can’t talk about the best catfight ever without talking about the events that led to Kendall actually being at the wedding expo. See, Kendall had one of her insecure crazy breakdowns when Erica said she was all icky and reminded her of a rapist, and ended up sobbing in the park while a giant storm raged. C’mon, Kendall. Don’t cry. Don’t put the ‘pathetic’ in
pathetic fallacy.
As the rain poured down upon them, Ryan asked his lady love to marry him. What choice did she have but to say yes? The weather itself was compelling her to do it. Any other answer would just be too anticlimatic. Geddit? Climatic as in the storm…
Er, never mind. Moving onto Kendall’s answer. At Ryan’s question, she stood shocked for a moments, her big eyes full of vulnerability and hope, her beautiful face framed by damp curls, her flushed cheeks moistened by the rain, her wet blouse slipping down…
What was I saying again? Oh right. The proposal. She accepted and the storm suddenly stopped. The weather itself likes them. High praise indeed. I bet if Chris proposes to Erica, there’ll be hailing and a cyclone. Maybe that’s what started El Nino. One of Erica’s marriages.
When Ryan told Chris of his engagement, Chris was less than thrilled:
Chris: Son, this letter from beyond the grave I got from your dead mother has inspired me to give you my grandmother’s wedding ring. This ring is a symbol of the love that coulda been between me and your mother. Take it and remember that love is hard to find and even harder to keep. You find your love and hang on to it with all your heart and soul.
Ryan: I’m getting married to Kendall.
Chris: Did I say hang on to it? I meant that love is transitory and you should ignore it and move on as quickly as possible. Like now.
It’s easy to understand Chris’ trepidation. His son might be chaining himself to a future-convict. He’s going to hear no end of this from Erica once she gets started with the ranting. Also, he probably feels weird that if he and Erica ever get married, Kendall and Ryan are going to be stepsiblings.
But flash forward to the wedding expo. Imagine the scene. Greenlee is choosing a dress to model for Revlon, Kendall sees her and they engage in some mild sniping, and then Kendall does the unthinkable. She steals one of the exact same designs that Greenlee is going to be wearing. When Greenlee sees Kendall wearing the same as her, the bride-off is imminent. It is ON!
So they fought and it was minutes of heaven until nasty Chris came in and separated them. As if I didn’t already have enough reason to hate him. Man, I hope that Greenlee and Kendall get married on the same day and that shenanigans ensue and they end up at the same church accidentally. And then there’s another crazy wedding bride-off with like Duelling Wedding Marches instead of Duelling Banjos and people falling into cakes.
Unlike me, Mary is not looking forward to possible wedding hi-jinks and is doing her level best to stop Greenlee marrying Leo. She tried to join up with Vanessa but backed out when she was struck by the small fact that Vanessa is an insane witch who wants to kill her daughter. Geez, Mary. The straitjacket she was wearing couldn’t have tipped you off that perhaps she wasn’t the best ally?
But Mary got some possible ammo when she saw Simone and Roger. Sharing a Moment. Sure, it was a moment of hate and anger because Simone realised Roger had been ratbastarding her all this time, but now Mary knows about them.
In Europe, Leo’s possible daddy shockingly seemed pretty cool and did not want to kill him. Good news, right? The Count’s surprisingly fine with the fact that Leo might possibly be his heretofore unknown bastard son. Well, he is French. He probably has illegitimate children popping by all the time.
Unfortunately his hench-thug (aka Le Figure Mysteriuse) is working for Vanessa and totally wants him dead.. Well what do you expect from a guy called Wolf? Oh yeah, Trey’s also made his way to Europe and totally fell from a balcony. It would’ve been totally funny had it been shown but sadly it wasn’t. So there’s at least one area where Passions beats out All My Children.
But then barely any of ‘Paris’ has been shown. Paris seems to be nothing but a hotel room, a car and some stock footage of the Eiffel Tower. Eet eez because zis show is, ow you say, cheap.
But I had some sort of vague-ish marital theme going on, didn’t I? And while the French do love their romance, the Paris stuff has nothing to do with that. So I’ll talk about David and Anna’s marital problems.
What are their marital problems, you might ask? Apparently Anna is all disappointed in David when he acts like a bastard even though she knew he was a bastard when she first started sleeping with him. The arrival of Anna’s nephew Aidan has only worsened matters.
David: Lousy Aidan. He tried to beat me up. You should totally arrest him.
Anna: I am not going to arrest my own nephew. He’s too pretty to go to jail. They’d eat him alive in there.
David: That’s favouritism! If you don’t arrest him, everybody’s going to hate you for showing favouritism.
Anna: Hey, if the Salem PD can get away with it then so can I. Hmm, funny how you don’t mention favouritism when it comes to me covering your arse all the time.
David: Point taken. Let’s have sex.
Anna: Okay…I mean NO! This is exactly the problem with us. We fight and then we kiss and we end up having mindblowing sex.
David: And this is a problem because?
Anna: David, you don’t expect just to hand over my heart to you, do you? You don’t know how to take care of it.
David: Uh hello. World famous cardiac surgeon here. Hearts are my thing.
Anna: I was speaking metaphorically.
David: Oh right. I guess I didn’t get that due to all the blood rushing away from my brain. Hint hint. So are we going to throw aside our issues until our next blowout and have hot mindblowing sex yet?
Anna: We are not having mindblowing sex!
David: Fine! I’m going to rush off in a snit then. [Slams door]
Anna: *bleep!*. Maybe I should’ve gone with the mindblowing sex.
So David stormed off in a huff and was nowhere to be found so Anna decided to put out an APB to find him. Yet another perk of being the police chief – your spouse goes missing and you can just send your cops to look for him. No wonder she prefers being a police chief rather than a lowly spy.
One couple whose wedding is going to go perfectly and will in no way be interrupted by the arrival of the bridegroom’s back-from-the-dead ex are Edmund and Brooke. Because as we know, Maria is very, very dead. So dead I won’t even mention her any further but rather go on to the identity of the Mysterious Head that was briefly glimpsed a couple of weeks back.
Said Head belongs to one Maureen Gorman who has been discovered to be a match for the Vaughn Spawn’s liver donation. Very serendipitous considering the only matches found thus far were Arlene (whose liver turned out not to be so compatible after all because the amount of booze she consumed had long since altered its chemical structure) and Maria, Mateo’s sister who is dead and is in no way actually alive and going by the name Maureen.
On the discovery that Maureen-not-Maria was a match, Brooke and Tad decided to track her down and go pester her for her liver. Unfortunately Maureen was nowhere to be found, but a badly-acting little moppet who was under her care at the children’s wing of the hospital she works at told us what to expect of this Maureen person:
Annoying little moppet: When is Maureen, the perfectestsweetestloveliest doctor ever going to return to finish telling us sick hospital kids stories? We miss Saint Maureen so much. We wish she were back so she could continue spreading goodness and cheer, giving out candy and hope, farting rainbows and clouds, and causing small woodland animals to break out in song.
Oh great. Mari…Maureen’s one of
those characters, is she? Mateo and Hayley will be glad to know that her goodly liver will probably bestow instantaneous lovability and worshipability upon the Vaughn Spawn once a piece of it’s been transplanted.