Oh No! Belle’s fashion show was the scene of a terrible crime.
No, I’m not just talking about a crime against fashion. Barring a few particularly ugly pieces, Belle’s clothes were mostly boring and inoffensively bland rather than mortifyingly hideous.
Let’s just say Belle will not be making an appearance on Project Runway any time soon. The highlights of the fashion show were Nicole modelling Brady’s disgusting shirt (which looked great on her ironically) and John eating a banana. Nicole really did look amazing in Brady’s shirt and really, it tells you all you need to know about Belle’s fashion show when I tell you that her most memorable and interesting piece was someone else’s shirt.
As for John and the banana, well, it was as dumb as it sounds. John walked onto the runway in the least model-like way ever wearing the silliest-looking shirt ever and ate a banana.
Lest you think that the fashion show was a waste of time, I’ll have you know it was for a good cause. No, not just the very good cause of providing lots of pretty people prancing about in underwear and swimsuits for perving purposes. The good cause was to raise money for the Horton Foundation to help the Cree fight disease.
Cree: Gee, thanks Horton Foundation for the charity! Of course, if Bo and Hope hadn’t deprived us of our means of achieving self-sufficiency and ability to earn our own money, we wouldn’t need charity!
But back to the terrible crime. In the middle of the fashion show, there was a blackout. A Basic Black-out, one might say. When the lights came back on, there were Bo and Hope, lying there with a pool of
raspberry punch blood around their heads.
Bo and Hope were rushed to the hospital where Bo recovered but Hope didn’t. Would she emerge from her coma? All I know is that she’s probably getting more nutrients through that IV than she’s consumed in the last year.
On learning of the seriousness of his mother’s condition, Shawn went to do what he tends to do whenever bad *bleep!* happens to his family. He went to the chapel to scream and shout at the heavens and curse God for what he’d done to his family. Here’s a snippet of the badly-acted, Shatner-esque scene:
Shawn: God! Listen to me, God!! I’m angry at you! Why do you keep doing this to my family?!
God: Oh Holy Me, not him again. Why does he always do this?
Shawn: Why do you keep doing bad things to my family?! Can’t you just leave us alone?! Why God why?!
God: Sure, blame Me for your dumbass parents who constantly put themselves in danger getting conked over the head. Man, that kid and his crises of faith. I don’t hear him making with the praise when good stuff happens to him and his family.
Shawn: God, you took JT away from us and now you want to take my mom away from us! Why do you hate us, God?! I won’t let you take my mother away from me!!
God: Oh shut it, Sparky. Screw it, I’m gonna go see if Jesus wants to play Monopoly with me.
Shawn’s divine anger was interrupted by Belle and Alice, who made him stop with the anger and pray with them. Unfortunately, at that moment a candle flickered. Alice almost had a stroke, so horrified was she at this portentous omen. A flickering candle was proof positive that Hope was in some seriously bad *bleep!*.
The flickering candle did turn out to be more sinister event than a draughty chapel, hard as it may to believe. Because at that moment, Hope went into cardiac arrest. The doctors tried and tried, but there was nothing they could do. Only Bo, by telling her how much he loved her, could bring her back to life.
Hope was saved! Soon Bo and Hope would be able to go back to what they do best – poking their noses where they don’t belong and ‘helping’ people, consequences be damned. Wait, why was Hope’s recovery a good thing again?
But someone had tried to kill Bo and Hope! Who could be responsible for such a dastardly deed? The list if suspects is endless. And by endless, I mean three – Rex, Lucas and Tony. Personally I think none of them did it but we’ll see.
Rex found himself with a bloody shirt sleeve and no memory of what had happened during the blackout. Proving that perhaps he wasn’t as much of a genius as he had first thought, he failed to offer his bloody shirt as a staunch for Bo and Hope’s heads when someone asked, thus obscuring the incriminating evidence.
Is Rex the real culprit? The endless flashbacks he’s been having point to him being the attempted murderer. The rules of television prove that he’s not, being the obvious culprit and all. Plus he’s actually a Brady and we all know they’re not allowed to be murderers. Knowing this show,
Nicole will have randomly done it.
With Cassie’s help, Rex tried to keep his possible involvement in the murder hidden. But Philip was on the case and suspected that Rex had done it. Not a big deal, right? Since Philip is an idiot after all.
But Rex seems determined to accidentally reveal himself to be the culprit at every opportunity. At one point he was talking out loud into his tape recorder about his suspicions of what he’d done while Mimi was in the room (granted she was sleeping but still dumb). At another point, he frantically told Cassie not to let Philip get close enough to know the truth while Philip was in hearing distance in the next room.
Plus there’s his ridiculously simple password…but I’ll get to that next week as I haven’t seen it myself yet, only heard about it from my incredulous friend. Isn’t Rex supposed to be a genius? Why then am I itching to give him the Dummy for his poorly-concealed actions in covering up his potential crime?
Rex’s case is not being helped by the fact that all his friends are turning on him like rabid coyotes and sneaking into his house to try dig up evidence on him. Yes, Philip, Belle and Shawn are proving what great pals they are.
Philip is using his friendship with Cassie to get access to the DiMera mansion, but that’s okay I guess since Cassie is supposed to be an unlikeable skanky ho in the eyes of everyone. She’s such a skanky ho that Philip gets extremely perturbed every time he hangs out with her and she doesn’t hit on him.
Philip: Cassie, I’m worried about you. Are you sick or concerned with something major in your life?
Cassie: Why would you say that, Philip?
Philip: Because you haven’t thrown your slutty self at me once in weeks and weeks.
Cassie: I wouldn’t do that. You’re like a brother to me.
Philip: [thinking] Cassie refuses to hit on my fine ass and sees me as a brother? Now I know she’s hiding something.
What I can’t understand is why Belle and Shawn have suddenly turned on Rex. I know they hate Cassie but they’re pretty fond of Rex. Why then, when Philip suggests that Rex might be the one responsible for Shawn’s parents’ injuries, does Shawn not trust in his friend and not immediately try to prove he might be guilty? The 180 degree about turn has left me dizzy.
Investigating officers Abe and Roman also looked with suspicion upon Rex. Wait, Roman always looks at Rex like that so never mind. In reality, Abe and Roman were too busy investigating Colon Murphy’s murder to properly pay attention to Bo and Hope’s attack.
Wait, Colon Murphy’s murder? Why are Abe and Roman living in six-months-ago land? They’re not actually because it seems that Larry Welch recanted his confession on his deathbed and now the Colon Murphy murder has been reopened.
This is bad news for Nicole, especially since she gets the guiltiest look ever whenever someone mentions the murder. Hey Nicole, blink once in a while and you might not look so suspicious.
Her problems were almost over when she managed to get her hands on Victor’s blackmail *bleep!* for approximately five seconds. Before she could burn it, Victor appeared and chased her. She was forced to jump on the bed for safety while Victor used his silver tongue to talk her down:
Victor: Nicole, come down from there at once. As a slave, you’re certainly not allowed to jump on the bed.
Nicole: Like I’d listen to you. I have the evidence proving I killed Colin Murphy in my hand and I am going to burn it so I never have to deal with your wrinkly ass ever again.
Victor: Listen to me. Before I had my heart episode, I had a meaningful talk with my grandson. He talked to me about not ending my days as a bitter old man and it made me think very hard about what I’m doing to you.
Nicole: Really?
Victor: Yes. Why do you think I took the papers out of the safe? I was going to burn them and let you go.
Nicole: [Gets down] Okay then, here. We’ll burn them together.
Victor: [Snatches papers out of her hand] …Before I realised my grandson’s an idiot and decided I’d totally keep on tormenting you. Psyche!
Nicole: Doh!
Abe and Roman’s investigations into the Colon Murphy murder mean they aren’t devoting their full attention to the Bo and Hope attack but that doesn’t mean that others, equally as (in)capable aren’t on the job. There’s our favourite banana-munching secret agent, John.
John immediately thought that Tony might be behind the attack. Yes, Tony who’s in a coma. Clearly he emerged from his coma, dragged his jellylike-from-lack-of-use limbs over to the fashion show (using his psychic powers to know where Bo and Hope was and what they’d done to his business deal) and knocked them over the heads in those few seconds of darkness before escaping and leaving nary a trace of his presence. A man who recently came out of a coma would do all this.
But because Salem Hospital had misplaced him and he wasn’t in his room, John and Marlena immediately thought it might be him because the DiMeras are responsible for every bad thing ever, even when they’re comatose. These logical leaps are what help John and Marlena in snatching the Dummy Award out of Rex’s hands. Plus there’s the punching of a comatose man, but I’ll get to that next week when I’ve watched the full episode.
John and Marlena managed to be even more annoying in their attitudes towards Sami and her relationship towards Tony. Basically the two of them plus Lucas and Roman told her outright not to see Tony at all and that she’d be sent to her room without supper if she didn’t listen. Well, the last part may have been implied.
Never mind that Sami is a grown-ass woman and makes her own decisions and mistakes. But the four of them were treating her like a teenager and basically ordering her not to go near him. Oh butt the hell out, all of you. Give her advice, not lectures. And Lucas? I do want you and Sami to get together but if you continue to Austin it up, I’m quitting that train.
Wait a sec? Family members butting in far too forcefully than is healthy and acting like they have dominion over someone’s decisions? People talking out loud in the most incriminating situations? Idiocy of unparalleled degree? I mean, all of this was present before in the soap but lately it’s reached epidemic proportions.
Plus there was a person brought back from the dead through a declaration of love, a ridiculously small thing that was interpreted by all as an omen, and thousands and thousands of unnecessary flashbacks to events of a few days ago.
It feels like I’m watching an episode of Passions almo…
*Checks end credits of Days. Checks end credits of Passions. Checks info on the Internet just to be sure.*
Oh *bleep!*. One of the headwriters of this show,
James E Reilly, is the creator of Passions! How long has this been going on? How have I only noticed this now? Holy ravioli, does this mean that Belle is going to be sucked into hell any time soon?