What kind of halfassed wussy kind of hell is it in Charity’s closet? Miguel was supposedly going to face trials and tribulations aplenty in order to test his faith in his quest to ring back Charity. He was supposed to have little to no chance of surviving the flames of hell without Godly preparation.
One week later and Miguel’s out of hell, little worse for wear. And it’s all thanks to a ladder of all things. A stupid ladder.
What happened was when Miguel jumped into hell, the other teens immediately set to work looking for a way to help him and Charity escape the flames of hell. Reese surfed the Net and presumably found what he was looking for on the Roman Catholic website or the Pope’s blog or something.
But those foul forces of evil are everywhere, including computers and the Internet. They go by the name “Microsoft”. This evil left Reese with a frozen screen in mid-download of the essential documents that would allow him to save Miguel. I always knew the Blue Screen of Death that’s always plaguing my computer was demonic in some way.
As Reese desperately tried to defeat the evils cast upon his by Bill Gates, Hecuba was up to her own tricks. She was observing what was going on in hell through a Mystical Seeing Wok and taunting Miguel for being such a loser. Miguel heard Hecuba’s taunts and got pissed. He jumped up out of hell through the waters of the wok and throttled Hecuba until she turned blue. No, I mean proper blue. Braveheart blue.
Tabitha rescued Hecuba before she could meet the same fate as Braveheart (I mean death. Not becoming crazy religious nut who makes Christian snuff films in Aramaic) and Miguel fell back through the wok into hell.
In the meantime, the Godly forces of goodness overcame the malevolent machinations of Microsoft and Reese managed to download the plans for something called the Ladder of Lucifer. Sounds like something out of a random Fantasy name generator. The teens immediately set to work building the ladder. They just lucked out the Bennetts happened to have the exact components to build a supernatural rope ladder in the garage.
The ladder was then tied to the bed and thrown into the closet. Did anyone even do anything to the ladder? It looks like just a normal rope ladder to me. Typical Catholics with their fancy names for normal things. Rope ladders become ‘ladders of Lucifer’ and wafers become ‘Eucharist’. Just call them holy biscuits, Catholics. It’s easier to remember.
Not having learned her lesson about taunting desperate teens, Hecuba then decided to mock Kay about her soul deficiency. Kay too got pissed and attacked Hecuba, but she was not strengthened by the magical power of true love like Miguel was so Hecuba kicked her ass.
She pinned her to the ground with her pointy finger zapping and waited for Kay to cry uncle. Inside the house, Simone and Jessica saw her thrashing around on the floor like
Taylor freakin’ Hicks and concluded she had had a psychotic break. They then shrugged their shoulders and turned away. Geez, you could’ve at least dragged her inside so she wouldn’t get snow and dirt on her during her Hicksian thrashing spell, girls.
Perhaps as karmic retribution for leaving Kay in the middle of a possible seizure, the ceiling opened up into a hellish version of the Sistine Chapel and bits and pieces started falling on Jessica and Simone’s heads.
These two brilliant minds managed to avoid falling gargoyles and tombstones by running around instead of, I don’t know, GOING INTO THE KITCHEN OR OUTSIDE. Sadly a gargoyle did not connect with either of their noggins and trigger an ‘on’ switch in their brains.
Much funnier was when Miguel fell out of the ceiling. His escape from hell had something to do with the Ladder of Lucifer. No, I don’t know how either.
Anyway, he’d stopped breathing and Kay immediately volunteered to give him mouth-to-mouth. Hey, she might not have a soul but she still has hormones. For some reason I found myself a little disappointed Reese didn’t volunteer to do the CPR instead.
Miguel was revived because he is the lovechild of
Chucky the Doll and the Energiser Bunny. Boo! But before Charity could pull herself/fall out of hell, Hecuba conjured up a hacksaw and cut through the rope holding the Ladder of Lucifer to the bedpost. Charity remained trapped in hell. Hooray!
So in other words, Charity’s still stuck in hell, nothing at all has been accomplished and the entire week was a waste of time. Welcome to Passions.
Was there anything significant about the week then? Well, er…Eve got a bouncy new haircut which looked fabulous. And uh…Beth (remember her?) popped up for a few seconds, also with a short do. Also, erm…
Ooh, got one. Julian, being the evil bastard he was, took absolutely everything Ethan owned because it was “bought with Crane money”. Ethan barely managed to escape with the clothes on his back.
One of the things Julian took back from the suddenly homeless and assetless Ethan was the engagement ring he’d given to Theresa. Seconds after the rings was taken from her, she immediately ran out in a puff of smoke, causing Rebecca to cackle about her golddigging ways.
But no. Theresa returned smiling, having run out of the house in order to withdraw her life’s savings from the bank before it closed. Isn’t it still morning? Harmony National Bank - Trading Hours: 9:00 -9:03 am. Theresa’s idea was to get married and live off the seventeen bucks or however much she had in her paltry savings account.
Luis objected to the idea of his sister and Ethan getting married without anyone having any savings or a job. Oh Luis, why you being such a spoilsport? Worrying about silly little non-issues like having a job or a place to live before getting married.
Theresa merely grinned vacantly and told the story of how their mother and father had lived on soup and air when they’d first gotten married. Way to romanticise your parent’s hardship, Theresa. Also, I’m not sure they’re the best example since your dad is missing and your mother works as a damn housekeeper.
But these words managed to convince Luis, or maybe he just got tired of arguing and wanted to go back to having sex with Sheridan. So now Theresa and Ethan are getting married. But it will not be a clear path to the altar as Rebecca and Gwen are laying traps across it.
And Rebecca is a sneaky sort too. She managed to accept a wedding proposal that never happened. As soon as Julian vaguely mentioned something about wanting to be with the woman he loved, Rebecca swooped in like a cleavagey vulture and accepted his proposal. Rebecca’s like the stealth fighter of golddigging.
But Julian will not have an easy time divorcing Ivy since, as she pointed out to him, she knows all the family secrets including where the bodies are buried. Knowing Alistair, that has to be literal.