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I cannot believe it. The *bleep!* goop plotline actually managed to become even worse. It managed to go from utterly stupid and inane to plain out offensive and rant-inducing. I shouldn’t get this worked up over a storyline involving mystical green goop but here we go…

Bo had managed to track down Hope at the Indian Reservation. There the two of them met the guy in charge of the tribe living there – Cree, head of the Cree. Not exactly the most original of names, I have to say. But at least his tribe’s name is Cree and not Algonquin. Imagine him trying to spell that to strangers “My name’s Algonquin. No, with an ‘a’. One ‘l’. No, not Alcongin, Algonquin. A-L-G-O-N…ah screw it. Just call me Al.”

Cree told Bo and Hope of his reasons for working with Tony and Maya and explained how he wanted to sell the sacred tribal cave from which the goop originated. How very nice of him. I would’ve kicked Bo and Hope off the reservation and told them to butt out myself but each to their own.

His people were not only living a hard life on little money but were also suffering from an epidemic of some or other disease. Cree’s motives were not inspired by mere greed but stemmed from a need to protect his tribe and provide them with milk whenever they wanted.

Come on, Bo and Hope. How could you deprive tiny, Indian children of their milk?

But Bo and Hope failed to be swayed by emotive thinking and objected to Cree’s idea to sell the cave to the unscrupulous DiMeras. After all, highly explosive substances have no other uses besides weapons. It’s not like explosive substances are a valuable resource in any other industries, right?

Cree got pissed and tied them to some polystyrene rocks. Oh no! How would out heroes escape their bonds?

But escape they did. I’m not sure how as I slept through half that episode but I expect the flashbacks they randomly had had something to do with it.

(It is a testament to how boring I find Belle and Shawn together, Roman and Kate together, and this awful goop plotline that I preferred to continue my nap and miss out on Sami/Lucas action once I saw which couples and plotlines would be on that episode. I do have impeccable timing because I woke up at the exact moment that Sami and Lucas were in their swimsuits.)

Bo and Hope then decided to do the noble thing and blow up the cave so that no-one could ever exploit the goop’s power.

Yes, that’s right. The goddamn idiots decided to blow up someone else’s property because they didn’t want the owners of said property using their natural resources in whatever way they wished. The road to Assholishness is paved with good intentions and TNT.

What can I possibly say about that? I could point out the obvious political parallels between Bo and Hope’s ill-advised, crackpot, self-serving plan and contemporary American foreign policy. I could liken Bo and Hope to that chimpanzee that’s currently in charge of America and the Cree to whatever Middle Eastern nation they feel like invading today. I could even point out the historical implications of supposedly well-intentioned white dudes coming in and exploiting the Native Americans all the while claiming they’re helping them and doing it for their own good.

But I won’t. All of that is too obvious and I don’t want to start writing an essay about how this stupid goop plotline celebrates the worst in American imperialism. I’ll simply say “Bo and Hope, what the *bleep!* are you thinking? Haphazardly trying to blow up a highly reactive, highly explosive substance without even the slightest knowledge of how it will react? Good luck in not blowing away yourselves and half the reservation, you INTERFERING ASSES!!”

God! Luckily for them, their worthless hides were not blown to pieces and their stupid scheme succeeded. They got the hell out of there before Cree could summon the cops and arrest their over-privileged asses for destruction of federal property and Cree was forced to call up Lucas and tell him the deal could not go through.

Great going, Bo and Hope. You just doomed his tribe to decimation from disease. I hope you’re happy with yourselves. Oh but I’m sure you have some philanthropic plan up your sleeves in order to help the poor Indians. Does it involve Alice somehow? Let me guess, you’re going to bring the Cree doughnuts to make up for everything. You’re going to combat disease and poverty through the magical properties of Alice Horton’s *bleep!* doughnuts.

With a bile-filled rant like that, is it any surprise that I award the Dummy for stupidest soapie characters to Bo and Hope? I mean, can you believe them? God!

Someone who also wasn’t doing much to endear herself to me was Jen. Her and Jack finally got scenes away from their gawdawful TV show and I, like Jack, was anticipating some lovely, long-absent romance.

But no. Jen has to ruin Jack’s romantic night by bringing Kate and Belle over for a visit. Kate and Belle! Those two are the ultimate mood-killer. As if that wasn’t enough to ruin the Jack/Jen scenes, Jen also had to bring up In Da Shithouse and what the following show was going to be about.

There’s no escape from it, is there? Jack and Jen could die horribly and the funeral would be the next episode of In Da Shithouse. The gravestone would say “Here lies Jack and Jen, hosts of In Da Shithouse. Please sent wreaths and fanmail to the following address.”

Turns out the following episode of In Da Shithouse is going to focus on Belle’s fashion show. Just to prevent me gagging and retching at the thought, said fashion show will involve lots of half-nekkid pretty people, including all the people I find remotely hot on this show.

(As a teaser they provided such people as Lucas, Sami, Nicole and Brady in their swimsuits. You can guess which one of those four is least likely to get me excited about the fashion show. Yes, I’m looking at you, Brady. I don’t care how much baby oil you swathe yourself in, I do not and will never find you remotely hot so stop trying.)

I haven’t had a chance to watch my tape with all of these people and more prancing around in Belle’s no-doubt-ugly designs but I did catch a glimpse of Philip on the runway flexing his pecs like a fool. Shut up, Philip’s pecs.

Hee hee. Speaking of Philip, I just remembered. He was totally kicked off the ISA. Heh. Even a crappy spy organisation whose best agent is fart-sniffer John himself has some standards.

Abe and Lexie are about to face some dire *bleep!*. How do I know? Because Celeste appeared and said so. Celeste – hooray! I was wondering where she’d been. It annoyed me to no end that she wasn’t even around at the birth of her grandson.

But here she is now spouting her dire prophecies of doom and despair. Man, I’ve missed the dire prophecies of doom and despair.

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