Bonjour! Cest la Leo in la Paris, France. Cest la in Paris in le order to searche pour la papa dele, Conde DuPres.
For those of you who do not have the astonishing knowledge of French that I do, the previous lines speak of Leo’s quest to find his father in Paris.
He almost didn’t make it, since he wasn’t supposed to leave the country due to his arrest a few months back. Just as he was about to leave to go to the airport, who should show up but his martially-minded sister-in-law, Anna. She put her former spy skills to work right away:
Anna: Hello, Leo. I need to talk to you about your brother. He really is insufferable, isn’t he? I’ve been talking to him about buying a house and having chil…say, you’ve got a bag in your hand. You’re not leaving town, are you?
Leo: Oh, this thing? I’m just going to the gym. To work out, as people tend to do in gyms. Which is where I am going.
Anna: You’ve got your passport in hand.
Leo: Those gym membership applications are thorough, aren’t they? They ask for ID, drivers’ license, passport – they need the whole works.
Anna: Your gym bag has a sticker saying “Paris Or Bust” on.
Leo: After the gym I was thinking of passing by my pottery class. I sure do love making my plaster-of-Paris busts of people.
Anna: Oh right. So…
Leo: Yeah?
Anna: Don’t want to make you late for the gym. I’ll let you be on your way.
Leo: Great, perfect. Gotta run, seeyalaterbye!
Anna: Wait just one second.
Leo: Er…yeah?
Anna: Before you go, I just have to say how much I like that beret you’re wearing. It makes you look very continental.
Leo: Perfectwonderfulthankscheers [Zips out in puff of smoke]
Great detective work, Anna. Where would the police department of Pine Valley be without your keen eye looking over them?
So Leo zipped off to Paris (I know this because a handy stock photo of the Eiffel Tower told me so) and checked into his not-so-fancy French hotel. There waiting for him in a bathtub full of bubbles was his very lovely and very nekkid fiancée.
Naked Greenlee in a bubblebath? Best hotel amenity ever! Most hotels have measly little mints on pillows. The French hospitality industry is clearly the best in the world.
One decadent bubblebath later, Leo decided to contact his supposed father. How did he do this? Why in the best possible way of course, by doing this: “Hi, can I speak to Count DuPres? I’m his long-lost illegitimate son and I want to talk to him about…hello? Hello? Anybody there?”
Yes, I’m sure the wealthy count would look upon strangers showing up out of the blue and claiming they’re his bastard children very kindly. Please, he probably has a specific set of attack dogs set aside for the very purpose of weeding out fortune hunters who want to claim a portion of the DuPres fortune.
After this failure, Greenlee went out for something or other (I hope it was to buy a hairbrush because her hair was looking rather messy the entire week) and Leo was paid a visit by a Mysterious Figure. No, I lie. It was Le Figure Mystérieuse. LFM proceeded to try beat the crap out of him. Wow, people aren’t kidding when they say the French don’t like Americans.
Back in Pine Valley, Anna also met a Mysterious Figure. Ok, he wasn’t really one because his face was revealed after a single scene but still. It turned out to be a member of the spy organisation I can’t remember the name of that’s not the ISA.
This was no mere spy however. His name was Aidan and he was Anna’s long-lost nephew! Gasp! Anna believed him at once because, I don’t know, he had a trustworthy face or something.
She then asked about his memories of his mother which he proceeded to tell her about. Aidan talked about his childhood being raised by Anna’s sister but Anna remembered none of it. That’s because they just made him up, dear.
I am not entirely sure of why Aidan is in Pine Valley. I do know however that I like to hear him say “bloody hell”. For some reason characters in certain soaps interject this a lot and it just sounds strange to hear an American say “bloody” like that. It sounds so much better when a real pom like Aidan says it.
Over at the giggle-worthy named BJ’s, a horrifying set of Heathers had sprung up and were mocking Bianca as Heathers like to do for kicks. God, not again. I thought we’d gotten rid of the previous lot of Heathers (one of whom was actually named Heather) and now a new set replaces them. Annoying teenage Heather-wannabes are like viruses clearly.
Anyway who should sorta come to Bianca’s rescue but Maggie. Ooh, go Maggie. Way to make up for that time where you threw your drunken friend out on her ass to drive herself home. Now if only you can stop wearing ugly tops.
How did Maggie reforge her friendship with Bianca after that whole awkward drunken kiss thing? In the sweetest and most platonic way possible. She asked Bianca to the prom. Nope, no mixed signals there at all. Platonic friends are all about the going on dates to the prom and publicly declaring it to everyone.
Just as they hugged in the straightest hug known to man, Erica walked in. I swear, the most action Bianca ever gets is when Erica walks in on her. Erica then proceeded to freak the *bleep!* ou…
Wait, no she didn’t. What she actually did was smile and express her happiness at the news that the two girls were going to the prom together. OMGWTFBBQ?! But…but…she was putting on a happy face in public, right? RIGHT??!!
Who is this imposter and what has she done with Erica? Shouldn’t she be working out how much cash it’ll take to bribe the girl getting too close to her daughter to leave town?
It’s the relationship with Chris that’s doing it. She’s so content with the pleather-faced freak, it’s scary. Now they’re planning on building their own penthouse in the Enchantment building and moving in together.
Chris’ expectations for this penthouse are lofty (get it? Loft-y?) indeed – he claims that the penthouse they build will make Donald Trump himself envious. Unless it’s coated in three layers of gold with diamond wall fixtures, I doubt it.
But Chris and Erica’s happiness could be short-lived as Erica dared to open a letter for Chris from the FBI. Gasp! Opening other people’s mail? That’s a federal offence, Erica!
Oh yeah, plus she saw something in there she was all horrified at and the viewers were left on a cliffhanger. The question is what exactly were the contents of the mysterious letter?
a) A bill from the FBI for over twenty years of stationery theft
b) Pictures from the FBI annual Christmas party of Chris macking on that cute agent from Homeland Security
c) Pictures of Chris all dolled up in a dress and heels a la J Edgar Hoover
d) Legal documents detailing the FBI’s case of defamation against Chris for disgracing their agency’s name and bringing embarrassment down upon them.
What could it be? The answer next week.
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