Remind me never to piss off Grace.
Who knew that underneath that the mild-mannered veneer, Grace could be such a psycho bitch when pissed off? But that’s exactly what she revealed herself to be in the aftermath of learning of Ethan’s paternity and the loss of her baby.
Grace had almost died of a broken heart and this left her with only cold, lifeless shards lodges inside her aortal cavity. So with no heart of which to speak, she did not react kindly to Sam’s apology for what happened with Ivy before they were married.
She told Sam she would never forgive him as their marriage had been based on a lie all these years. Overreaction much, Grace? Yes, he didn’t tell you about his first love but come on. You were the one who was all “If my husband ever loved someone before he met me, I would be so very pissed at him and never forgive him” whenever he wanted to tell you. With pressure like that, no wonder he kept mum.
But Grace’s true wrath was reserved for Ivy. As she lay in bed, thoughts of Ivy’s betrayal sent slivers of ice coursing through her veins.
Grace: I can’t believe Ivy was so nice to me all this time when she was after Sam all along. Damn you, Ivy. Damn you to hell!
Closet Demons: Can you postpone that damnation for a tick? We’re still trying to destroy Charity here and we don’t need the extra work.
Ivy most foolishly decided to visit Grace. Oh, you so shouldn’t have done that, Ivy. Because as Tabitha conveniently explained, Grace has the power to curse people. And that is exactly what she did to Ivy.
It was totally hardcore! You could have frozen an ice lolly in the hospital room – that’s how cold Grace was to Ivy. Then she started with the cursing and the room literally started shaking, the force of Grace’s rage threatening to tear it asunder.
“I curse you, Ivy! I curse you and your entire family!”
Now if I wasn’t suddenly shit-scared of Grace and her cursing ways, I would point out that Ivy’s family is pretty blameless in all of this – especially her son who’s a total victim – and shouldn’t be cursed as well. But since if I say anything I am relatively sure Grace will make my room shake and curse me to untold misery and pain, I’ll smile and back away slowly.
Shaken, Ivy headed home where she found Julian and Rebecca screwing in her bed. *bleep!*, Grace’s curse worked fast, didn’t it? Now she’s going to have to sleep on the couch because no amount of washing is going to get the skank off of the sheets.
Rebecca works fast. After marking her territory all over Ivy’s bed, the next day she had decorators over to redecorate the Crane living room. Ivy spat that she was still Mrs Crane and Rebecca should keep her pilfering paws off what was still legally hers’.
Even worse than her presumptuous redecoration schemes was Rebecca’s outfit. You couldn’t have had the blood washed off the leopard skin before you a dress out of it, Rebecca?
"Once I am Mrs Crane, even PETA will not be able touch me!"Ivy won’t be woman of the house for long if Julian has anything to do about it. He is relishing divorcing Ivy and leaving her penniless. Oh, whatever, you whore. Like any lawyer Ivy hires wouldn’t be able to point out the many, many infidelities you’ve engaged in and sue you for half the house and Crane fortune.
Ethan is even worse off than his mother. He has been kicked out of the house and is crashing at Sheridan’s cottage until he can find a place to live. That sucks. I hope Sheridan and Luis’ raucous rogering doesn’t keep him awake at night.
Yes, that’s right, Luis and Sheridan finally did it. For real. For the first time ever the coitus was not interruptus but instead was coitus sexalicious. Shocking. The sheer power of cheesy lovemaking clichés is what made them avoid the interruptus. There were rose petals, candles, bubble baths, grape-feeding, champagne, whipped cream, and soft-focus lenses. All of these things worked, like magic charms, to ensure that Luis and Sheridan’s excessively romantic sexin’ took place uninterrupted.
Meanwhile over at the Bennetts’, Miguel prepared himself to go into the closet and save Charity. I’d make a joke here about how Miguel knows his way around closets but I wouldn’t touch such an easy punchline. I will however rip off Eminem to provide the following song for Kay to sing as penance for her misdeeds:
I’m sorry, CharityI never meant to hurt youI never meant to sell my soulBut tonight you’re stuck inside the closetOne more timeI’m sorry, CharityI never meant to hand youOver to the de-e-e-monsBut tonight you’re stuck inside the closetFather Lonigan tried to dissuade Miguel from going into the closet without being fully prepared. He had Reese visit the Vatican website on his PDA in order to look up the proper documents that told one how to go about descending into one’s closet and coming out unscathed. Trust the Roman Catholics to provide that kind of info on the Internet.
Before Miguel could properly prepare himself, demons emerged from the closet and a hellish wrestlemania took place. The demons tried to kill Miguel but before they could accomplish this noble task, Little Angel Girl appeared and endowed Miguel with
a +8 strength score the holy power of goodness that allowed him to kick demonic ass and drive them back into the closet from whence they came.
Hecuba, who was watching all of this take place, got pissed at Little Angel Girl and strangled her. Now I’m no expert on the circulatory system of seraphim but I’m pretty sure they don’t breathe, rendering Hecuba’s throttling pointless. Little Angel Girl merely floated away, her final words “Nyah nyah, try to take over the world all you want. I’ll be safe in heaven!” ringing in Hecuba’s ears.
Ok, she didn’t really say that. But I bet she was thinking it.
Weakened by the demonic attack, Miguel was told by Fr Lonigan that he would need to regain his full strength before going all Dante into that closet and facing the trials and tribulations of hell itself, or else he would be doomed. That’s why he jumped straight into the portal to hell mere seconds after Fr Lonigan said this.
What unspeakable evils will Miguel encounter in Charity’s closet? I am on edge just thinking about the dangers that await him there.