What a glorious week of soapie goodness. It’s like the writers read my mind and decided to include anything and anybody meant to make me squeal in delight. I don’t know why. Maybe they’re some sort of mystical reach-for-a-soapie-dream and each week is in fact the ideal week for one lucky Days fan. I feel so special.
Why did I enjoy the soap so much, you may ask. After all, there was icky Belle and Philip kissage, Maya *bleep!* Leano, Brady and his pathetic attempts at romantic leading manliness, and In Da Shithouse.
But the rest of the stuff was so much fun that it made up for these blots. Hell, some of these yucky plotlines weren’t even that bad this week.
Take Jack and Jen’s gawdawful TV show. The latest edition of In Da Shithouse did not have me clawing the walls for once. It had me laughing my ass off. Not laughing from dementedness brought on from exposure to the show either, but genuine “this is funny” laughter.
This is thanks to the always hilarious Bart. You see, Bart, bless his dear tasteless heart, is a big fan of In Da Shithouse. So when Jack and Jen called him up in order to ask him to be a guest on the show, Bart acted like the teenage girl he secretly is and squeeed excitedly, gushing about how big a fan he really was.
Jen convinced Bart to go on their TV show and what followed was what was sure to be the highlight of Jack and Jen’s pitiful television career. An interview with Bart. In which he sang and danced. With a very bad Jen accompanying him. What could possibly be better television than that?
That greasy producer of theirs, Schmendrick or whatever his name is, was horrified, calling it ‘Must Flee TV’. On the contrary, Schmendrick. This is the first time I’ve had the urge not to flee. If Jack and Jen must use their TV show as a platform to expose bad guys and unscrupulous sex therapists, than I demand they hire Bart as a co-host.
They won’t unfortunately because having Bart on the show as a guest was merely a ploy in order to learn the co-ordinates of the goddamn goop. Bo has gone off to look for his missing wife and the goop at an Native American reservation.
The mysterious properties of the goop have been revealed at last. The reason it is so coveted by Salem’s villains is because it has the explosive properties of dynamite. It is thus the perfect weapon.
Wait, don’t we already have a naturally occurring substance that has the explosive properties of dynamite? Called, ya know, dynamite? Why would anyone need some explosive goop that’s only found in one small area of the world when they can already make dynamite from naturally occurring substances found pretty much anywhere?
Whatever, Bo and co. Call me when you learn of a mysterious naturally occurring viscous substance with the same properties as an atom bomb, than we’ll talk.
Far more entertaining bouts of explosiveness was the explosiveness that took place between some of my favourite characters. I love good antagonistic scenes between people who can take each other on properly, and there were plenty to choose from.
Last week gave us the awesomeness of Cassie and Rex vs Sami. The three of them continued to share brief, but fun scenes together of Sami acting like the queen of the house and telling them what to do if they knew what was good for them, and Rex and Cassie’s gritted teeth reactions.
On top of this, all three of them had beautiful scenes of conflict with other people. In between her usual simmering with Lucas, Sami found the time to harass Nicole while Rex went up against Lucas, and Cassie got in a catfight with Mimi.
Rex was feeling jealous that Lucas got to play Mr Big Shot Crime Kingpin in Tony’s absence while he was stuck in the Dr Rolf role of creating wacky inventions. How very Jan Brady of him.
Poor Rex. All he wants to do is become a mastermind super-villain like Tony and people like Lucas won’t let him. Even his own girlfriend isn’t very supportive of his dreams, wondering why he can’t just forsake his DiMera heritage and become a Brady.
I really don’t see what Mimi’s problem is. So Rex prefers the DiMera lifestyle and its many perks like money and power. So what? It’s not like he knows the Brady family very well so who’s to say he’d feel any more part of that family rather than the DiMeras who have been very good to him actually.
Unfortunately Mimi got it into her head that money and power cannot co-exist successfully with love and family and decided to break up with Rex. Madness! She didn’t stay broken up for long because she was powerless to resist the sight of wet, dripping, half-naked, towel-clad Rex. Who can blame her?
Before her resistance fell to wet, shirtless Rex, she moped about in Belle’s loft. Cassie found her there and proceeded to taunt her over the break-up and how she wasn’t good enough for Rex. Cassie was so bitchy, even I was cheering for Mimi to smack the smug cow down in the worst possible way.
Mimi snapped and tackled Cassie. Woohoo, catfight! Shawn and Belle were, as usual, a totally unwelcome presence and separated the two girls before either of them could do any real damage. Man, why are these catfights always interrupted?
Stupid Belle didn’t even let a pie fight ensue. See, there was a pie, and it was calling out to be splatted in someone’s face. The pie wanted to be thrown – this is the purpose for what it was made. Belle preventing Cassie from throwing that pie is an act against nature. Pies long to be thrown in people’s faces.
Bah. Take your pie and shove it in your face, Belle, you abuser of pastry.
The pie-abuser is having a fashion show and she’s asked Philip to model. Doesn’t she design lingerie? Will the Blockhead have to prance around in a little silk nightie?
Ick! Bad mental image.
Speaking of bad mental images, Brady is an idiot. Why is Brady such an idiot? Observe:
Abe: The police investigation of Larry Welch’s assassination attempt has revealed that Larry had been hiding out in the stables for several weeks.
Brady: The stables? Oh my God, Nicole! All those times you were suspiciously lurking in and around the stables acting nervous as if you were hiding something big…
Nicole: Gulp
Brady: You might have bumped into Larry! You’re so lucky that never happened.
See? Idiot. Deserves the Dummy for not just failing to put two and two together, but failing to even see the sum.
(However, Brady narrowly beat out someone who needs to be mentioned, even though he was a glorified extra. That person is that barman who was all pervy and gross about Nicole’s porn video. Great career move, considering Nicole is his boss.
Little industry career advice, dude. Never mention your boss’s porn star past, no matter how many times you’ve wanked off to her video. The idiot was deservedly fired because someone who’s not smart enough to grasp this basic fact isn’t smart enough to mix and pour drinks.)
Considering Brady’s investigative skills, it would appear that Nicole’s secret is safe. Unfortunately for her, she bumped into Sami who we all know is able to sniff out secrets within 100 metres. Sami realised that Nicole has a secret and has now made time in her calendar (in between entries marked ‘UST fight with Lucas’ and ‘Lord my power over Rex and Cassie’) to learn Nicole’s big secret.
Impending Sami vs Nicole on top of Sami/Lucas banter? Say it aint so. Do you see why I found the week so awesome? How could I not?