Parents are funny things, aren’t they? They certainly are in Pine Valley which just happens to be the bad parent capital of the world.
Take Hayley. Her mother, Arlene, is not exactly a shining example of motherly love. Among other things, Arlene has tried to steal Hayley’s husband and let her take the fall for a murder that never really happened. It’s no surprise then that Hayley hates her booze-swilling, abandoning mother.
What is a surprise was Hayley’s reaction when she walked into her alcoholic baby’s hospital room to find Arlene poised over the Vaughn Spawn. Instead of freaking out and hurling abuse like I thought she’d do (as opposed to freaking out and screaming “Arlene! Yay!” like I was doing), Hayley was happy to see her mom.
What the hell? Was I watching an episode set in Bizarro World? Stranger still, Hayley then went up to her mother and embraced her. Now I knew I was watching a Bizarro episode.
But then Mateo came in and acted like an asshole and all was right again. Ah, it wasn’t Bizarro World after all. Hayley had just gone insane.
Turns out that Hayley was so happy to see Arlene because of that whole liver transplant Hayley’s alcoholic spawn needs. Hayley hoped that Arlene might be a match and could donate part of her liver to save the Vaughn Spawn’s life.
Hayley wants her son to get a piece of Arlene’s liver? Boozy, drunken Arlene? Would the doctors even be able to cut a part of it off or would it be so hard from Cirrhosis that the scalpel would break?
If the choice is between Arlene’s alcohol-abused liver and the wonky liver the Vaughn Spawn has currently got, it might me safer to keep the wonky baby liver.
There is another member of the Santos/Vaughn clan that is an exact donor match but there’s a small problem with using her liver. Go on, guess who the match is. I’ll give you a clue. She’s dead. Totally and utterly so.
Yes, that’s right! Maria’s liver just happened to be an exact match. Pity about the being totally and absolutely dead thing.
In other, completely unrelated news, a new Mysterious Figure was briefly glimpsed. Well, a Mysterious Head since we only got to see this mysterious figure from behind. The Mysterious Head was clearly female and had long dark hair. The Head also appeared to be working as a doctor. A paediatrician to be exact.
Say, wasn’t that very dead Maria a doctor? What a funny coincidence. Why, if I hadn’t been reminded how very dead Maria was a thousand times in the past few weeks, then I might’ve jumped to wacky conclusions as to the identity of this Mysterious Head.
Leo has decided to deal with his parental issues head-on. No, not the crazy quasi-incestuous mother kind of parental issues. The other kind of parental issues where he wants to get to know his father.
For his entire life, Leo has believed his father is Count DuPres. Recently he and Greenlee have had some heartfelt discussions about him wanting get to know the count. I wish they wouldn’t refer to him as the count so much. It makes me think Leo’s father is a
vampire muppet. Or Tony DiMera. Say, that might be an interesting crossover.
Leo went to confront Vanessa about his father and learned that, horror of horrors, Vanessa had lied to him about who his father was. The count was not his real father. Now Leo wishes to go to Paris to learn just who his real father could possibly be.
Wait, I know this one! Leo’s real father is
Sam Bennett! Wait, no that’s Ethan Crane. Never mind, wrong show.
Mia does not have parental issues that I know of, only issues of excruciatingly boring scenes. Her snooze-worthy relationship with Jake continues, and not even a dripping wet Jake in his swimming trunks can spruce up their scenes.
I do seem to recall Jake talking about how Greenlee wasn’t ever the one for him and he was glad it was over between them because it wasn’t her job to become the woman he really wanted, which is actually a woman a lot like Mia. So in other words, Jake’s ideal woman is THE MOST BORING WOMAN ON EARTH.
Mia will soon be getting a visit from deliciously evil Trey since he is in need of some cash in order to stave away Roger and his goons. You know what they say – the ones in the pink shirts are always the most dangerous.
Before he could blackmail Mia out of even more cash, Trey was forced to deal with his polygraph plan not going as well as he’d planned it. Basically when the drugs kicked in and the polygraph showed Kendall was lying, she went nuts as she is wont to do and claimed the polygraph machine was broken.
So who should she ask to be strapped up to the polygraph machine in order to prove it wasn’t working? The secretly evil lawyer himself. The legal types jumped straight to the good questions like “Did you set the fire at the Kane mansion” and of course the machine went nuts when Trey said no because he was really lying and the legal types assumed it was broken.
Hey, legal types? First of all, fix your polygraph machines. Oil ‘em or something so they don’t rattle around really obviously when someone is lying. Second of all, those boring test questions like “What is your name” and “Is it sunny outside” are necessary because they are control questions in order to see if everything’s in working order.
You’re just lucky Kendall’s working for an evil lawyer who wants to sabotage her efforts or else your crap legal methods would be overturned in a court so fast.
Kendall’s parental issues revolve around Erica, but everyone ever knows that because she keeps harping on about it. Kendall confessed to Ryan that the reason she had snuck into her sister’s room mere hours before the fire was set was not to plot just where she’d pour the gasoline so it would burn faster, but rather to imagine what it would be like to be Erica’s favoured child.
Considering Erica’s terrible maternal skills and tendency to smother her favoured child like crazy, I’m not sure it would be all that great to have Erica take an active role in one’s upbringing. Seriously, Kendall? You got off well by having Erica hate you.
Speaking of La Kane, I place a curse on whoever decided it would be a good idea to show Erica and Chris living it up in New York. I thought when they went on their romantic trip. I wouldn’t have to watch any of it, but there they are. And here’s poor me having to watch their wrinkly asses getting it on.