The good news is that Grace’s baby survived the tumble down the stairs. Despite Eve’s medical ministrations, Grace and the baby were taken to the hospital in more-or-less working order.
Looks like I was wrong about the baby being doomed. I mean, it survived the dreaded soapie stairs, and if an unborn soapie baby can survive stairs then it can survive anything, right?
Except that the bad news is that Grace lost the baby anyway. I know! It’s crazy! The baby survived freakin’ stairs and you know how it died? Grace fell on the floor in shock. Pathetic.
Ivy wanted to go to the hospital to see Sam and tell him how sorry she was about Grace but Pilar was all “Mrs Crane, go to your room”. Ivy became a naughty child and was all “You’re right, Mother…I mean Pilar. Now go away so I can sleep and in no way sneak off to see Sam” and Pilar believed her and left.
At the hospital, Sam was disgusted to see her because he blamed her for what happened to Grace.
Sam: Of all the nerve. I can’t believe you would come here after what happened tonight.
Ivy: So no smoochies then?
Sam: Go away, Ivy. Your lies ruined countless lives tonight. Your lie was just one more lie on top of all those secrets. And tonight they all came crashing down.
Me: Looks like they landed smack dab on top of Grace’s uterus too.
Ivy: Sam, I’m so sorry about what happened. I never meant for this to happen.
Sam: Well it did. This is all your fault, Ivy. If Grace loses that baby, I will never forgive you.
Me: Ah yes, because Ivy is the one responsible for Grace teetering on the edge of the stairs like an idiot.
Ivy: It’s so easy for you to judge me from your cushy life? Feel sorry for me, dammit! I’ve been trapped in a loveless marriage to Julian all these years while you married Grace.
Me: Like being married to Grace isn’t torment itself.
Sam: You made your choices, Ivy. I’m sorry you married Julian but them’s the breaks.
Ivy: Hold me, Sam. Comfort me as you’ve never comforted me before.
Sam: Ok. [They embrace.]
Me: Wow, it would suck if Grace were to walk in upon this touching tableau and misinterpret it completely, causing her to lose the baby.
Grace: Gack! [Falls down and loses baby]
Grace had been having nightmares about Ivy and Sam, so she had gotten up out of her hospital bed (this is why you should have sedated her, Eve) and had shuffled off to find Sam. When she found him hugging Ivy, she cried “NO, NO!” and the shock of it is what caused her to lose the baby.
Sam: Grace, GRACE! Someone call a doctor! I swear, Ivy, if she loses the baby, I’ll never forgive you.
Ivy: So now I’m responsible for Grace wandering around the hospital like a demented old woman? God, I just cannot win with you!
Sam and Eve prayed that the baby would be ok, but God was too busy enacting his divine wrath against the forces of closet hell through his blind servant to listen.
Back at the Crane mansion, Ethan was in the throes of an identity crisis stemming from learning he was a Bennett rather than a Crane. Only he made it seem a whole lot more illogical than it actually was by wondering about things like whether he really liked the opera or whether it was because his last name was Crane.
The identity crisis was made worse by the fact that Julian caved like the snivelling worm he was and followed his father’s orders to deny that Ethan was his son at all. Alistair told Julian to kick Ethan out of the house and cut all ties with him because he is actually a bastard. I see a bastard alright, and it sure aint Ethan.
Oh Julian, I can’t believe you’re turning your back on Ethan. I expected more from you. Granted, not much more but more nevertheless.
Ethan decided to take out his anger and confusion on the objects around him, flinging around his duvet violently. It was a lot more dramatic than it sounds – no, I lie, it wasn’t because it was duvet-flinging. But then he started smashing more breakable things to the floor which made it better.
Theresa talked to him and he made one of the most intelligent choices I’ve seen on this show by asking for some time away from Theresa because he needed to find out who he was before getting into anything as serious as marriage. I never thought I’d see a decision that actually made sense and was psychologically sound on this show, so there you go.
Theresa, bless her marriage-obsessed heart, sweetly told him she loved him whatever his last name was and he could embrace the identity of being Mr Theresa Lopez-Fitzgerald rather than his Craneliness or Bennettness. Ethan remained firm in his intelligent choice. Freaky.
At the Bennett house, there was much magic a-brewing. The most bizarre things came in the form of Kay’s sudden apparent ability to tear apart continuity apparate. When Father Lonigan arrived her clothes magically changed and her hair came loose. Or perhaps this day has lasted so long that her clothes and hair band decayed into nothing.
Even stranger was how she escaped Fr Lonigan’s probing (ew, not like that! The spiritual kind. He’s not that kind of priest) when he summoned her soulless self into the room and compelled her to reveal who she was.
Jessica walked into the room and was all “Uh, who are you talking to, Father?’ and Kay had vanished despite the fact that Jessica was right there so Kay could not have escaped through the door and the next shot showed her standing at the foot of the stairs and aaaarrrggghhh!
This show can at least try to explain stuff like and not simply say “Oh, let’s have everyone assume it’s something magical” even though Hecuba wasn’t even around at the time and aaarrrggghhhh!!!
Fr Lonigan decided he was needed far more next door where evil was afoot (be glad I followed my better instincts and resisted the urge to make an ‘a-arm’ pun here instead). He threw holy water on a mirror and a holy water rainstorm thundered down inside Tabitha’s house, drenching her and Hecuba.
When the rainstorm stopped, Tabitha mistakenly thought that tending to Hecuba’s wounds would soften her up and prevent her from wanting to kill her. Tabitha was of course wrong and Hecuba attacked her and Timmy with lightning bolts of dance-craziness. Ungrateful witch.
Fr Lonigan was not finished with them and went all Exorcist on the house, posing dramatically next to a lamp-post. He then started throwing even more holy water directly upon Tabby’s house and now she was forced to contend with a holy water monsoon. I wonder how the friends in the basement would react to a flood of holy water down there?
Man, Tabitha has got to buy an umbrella. Why couldn’t she have just run out of the house past Fr Lonigan? I mean, dude’s blind. It’s not like he would be able to chase her?
Luckily for Tabitha, Hecuba and their biggest fan (me), Fr Lonigan sensed he was needed back at the Bennett house.
Though Kay was able to escape Fr Lonigan before using the amazing powers of bad writing, she could not escape the long arm of the law. The law of HELL that is, which dictated that because she had no soul, she belonged in hell. So a long arm came out of the closet and pulled her in.
Fr Lonigan appeared and grabbed Kay. As he tried to pull her to safety, he sprinkled holy water upon the demons and implored “ the forces of hell be damned”. One assumes the forces of hell were in too much pain from the holy water to answer “Uh, hello. Kinda already are.”
He succeeded in pulling Kay out of the flames but the closet door swung shut before he could go in for the screaming Charity. But now Fr Lonigan is aware of Charity’s toasty location and Kay’s soulless state, so things are bound to hot up. Er, no pun intended.
Will Fr Lonigan find a way into super shallow hell and rescue Charity from eternal torment? And by eternal torment I mean, standing around while demons do the wave around you.
As hells go, it’s rather tame, I have to say. I wouldn’t want to go there certainly, but that’s because Charity is in there. She’s the worst thing about hell.