This week saw the residents of Pine Valley mourning Dixie some more and attending her funeral. Half the town was there including a bunch of people that I couldn’t even remember seeing interact with her. I suspect it was to hammer in the point that Dixie was so loved and adored that everyone came to cry at her funeral, even those that barely knew her but were nevertheless charmed by her goodness.
Oh and Jake brought a date. Seriously, he brought Mia with him despite her never even having any scenes with Dixie that I can recall. Geez, Jake. You’re supposed to bring food and condolences to funerals, not girls.
Anyway, the funeral was suitably sombre, and featured everything you’d expect. Everybody talked about how wonderful and perfect and amazing Dixie was and how everything about Dixie was big, especially her
rack heart. This was punctuated by the use of flashbacks of young Dixie and her giant hair doing memorable flashbacky things. Or rather they showed flashbacks of Hick-sie if her cornpone accent was anything to go by. I wonder what ever happened to that accent?
In the middle of the flashback came a blasphemous interruption. David gatecrashed and dared to say a few words of his own about Dixie, claiming that she was kind and gentle but not perfect (burn him at the stake!). Even worse than this blasphemy was his defiling the sanctity of the church with his foul goatee.
Just look at it. Is that allowed in church? Isn’t hideous facial hair like this against some or other ancient biblical law? Well, it should be.
David’s goatee may have spoiled the grieving mood, but the show had a trick up its sleeve in order to bring maximum sorrow. The episode ended with a musical montage of Dixie scenes set to sad music. Except for once the music was not forgettable pop blandness but well-chosen and complemented the mood perfectly. It was Eva Cassidy’s version of Fields Of Gold.
Well played, show. There is nothing not sad about Eva Cassidy. Congrats on a killer scene.
After the funeral David’s Goatee was hanging out at the hospital, as is his wont, until he was punched by JR for daring to darken his mother’s funeral with his foul facial hair. Anna overheard and proceeded to tear into David herself for the same reason.
Oh Anna, you are overreacting. The woman he once loved is dead and he went to her funeral which is totally understandable and he was right when he told you that you weren’t letting him mourn, and if you really hate the goatee that much, just tell him to shave it off instead of getting angry at him for perfectly reasonable things.
Ok, that last part about the goatee may have been me projecting rather than what Anna was thinking. But, really! Look at it! Just because David wants to have kids and Anna’s not willing does not mean he has to compensate by nurturing that strange growth on his face.
Dixie’s funeral caused Brooke and Edmund to remember Edmund’s dead wife Maria and how very dead she was. Did you know Maria was dead? If not, I’m sure her deadness will be mentioned several thousand more times in the coming weeks. Because Maria is dead. Very. Absolutely. Not at all alive, as this convo Brooke and Edmund had while they stood in the family mausoleum staring at Maria’s memorial will attest:
Edmund: This is a rough time for Tad. I remember how I felt when Maria died. You never do get over it.
Brooke: Yes, poor dead Maria who’s absolutely dead.
Edmund: They’re both in a better place. Together. Because they’re dead.
Brooke: I have to admit I’ve been wondering what would happen if Maria suddenly came back.
Edmund: Of all the problems we might face, that’s one we’re definitely safe from.
Brooke: You’re right. I don’t know why I would think that with Maria being so very dead.
Edmund: That she is. Deader than dead.
Brooke: Nothing is going to keep us apart.
Care to make a small wager on that?
Brooke and Edmund aren’t the only ones invoking Maria’s very dead name. Mateo brought up Maria’s name a whole bunch of times. If I ever feel like getting drunk before noon, a drinking game involving taking a sip whenever someone mentions Maria is the way to go.
The reason for Mateo’s invocation of Maria is that the Vaughn Spawn is all sick and being hospitalised. God, this means Hayley and Mateo are getting a plot, doesn’t it? No-one is ever sick on a soapie of anything other than a life-threatening illness, so somehow I suspect that the Vaughn Spawn’s sickness is going to be more than a simple case of colic.
It’s my fault, isn’t it? I expressed a recent liking for Hayley so in a horrifying case of ‘be careful what you wish for’, the universe took this as a sign I wanted to see a Hayley and Mateo plotline. Damn you, universe! I said I liked Hayley when she was bitching at Mia, not that I wanted to see any more of her than I had to, especially not with her angry monkey of a husband attached.
Stupid universe. How come a few off-hand comments about liking Hayley makes the universe give Mateo and Hayley a sick child and thus a reason to pollute my screen and my wishes for pretty girls in underwear go unheard?
Ok, I lie. Just recently there was Simone all bra-clad and bouncy-haired and hot. But she was shagging Roger at the time so that doesn’t count. Leo walked in on them and averted his eyes in horror. I did too, but it was at his spotty shirt.
This caused Simone to firmly resolve never to see Roger ever again. Seriously. No, it’s different than last time she said she wasn’t going to see him again and ended up doing so anyway. It is.
I wonder how long it will be until Simone’s resolve breaks down? It’s like she’s trying to quit cigarettes. She’s all “This time I’m quitting for good” for about five minutes before the craving takes over and she’s all “One more won’t do any harm. After that I’ll quit for sure.” She’s needs Nicorettes, except for Roger. Rogerettes.
Roger has long been shown to be a bad father, but now Greenlee’s mother has arrived in town to rival him for his position in the list of Top 10 Worst Parents. Meet Mary Smythe – she makes her daughter look like Anne of Green(lee) Gables.
You know how in Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason, there’s the whole thing about the jellyfish woman and how talking to her is like swimming in the sea and being stung repeatedly by a jellyfish? And how in the movie version there’s a little jellyfish tally at the corner taking note of how many times she stings Bridget?
Mary is like that. She casually underscores every comment to Greenlee with a hidden barb. I only wished there had been a jellyfish counter at the corner every time Mary opened her mouth.
Trey, my favourite evil lawyer, has decided to advise Kendall on evading her prison charges by taking a polygraph test because the evidence is supposedly against her. You’d think she would not be too concerned considering that all the cops have on her is circumstantial evidence and the Pine Valley legal system is incompetent.
However the problem is that, as Kendall so brilliantly put it, Erica has slept with most of the Pine Valley legal system. Talk about stacked odds. Anyway Ryan is against Kendall taking a polygraph because he knows she’s a hysterical nutjob who will freak out and mess up the lie detector results. Trey has sneakily advised her to do it anyway and simply not tell Ryan.
Lying about taking a lie detector test. There’s a simple circularity to that that I really like.