It’s Week 4 of the Crane party to celebrate Theresa and Ethan’s engagement, and there’s still no end in sight. I know I really wanted to see the revelation of Ethan’s paternity and its consequences, but not stretched out across time like a cosmic elastic band.
Last week, only Julian and Alistair really learned of Ethan’s true paternity, plus the people who already knew realised that it was about to come out. That was a teaser. This week was the main event as the main parties involved (besides Julian) learned the truth.
Ethan learned he was the product of an affair between his mother and a wooden cop. The hurt and pain was etched on his face. No, I mean literally. The wooden acting is genetic, you know.
Sam learned that Ivy had lied to him for years about her spoiled son actually being his. See above re his reaction.
And then there was Grace. Grace’s reaction was the best of all. All night she had been feeling lightheaded and dizzy from some dire event that was about to occur. As she was about to leave the party, on the advice of Pilar who knew what was coming and was trying a last ditch effort to save the Gracebaby’s life, the Little Angel Girl appeared with her usual well-meaning but useless words of warning:
“Be warned, evil is all around you. You must beware for terrible things will occur tonight. This will involve Sam’s son. I have said too much already and must go.”
You couldn’t have thrown in a “And stay away from stairs” in there somewhere? Little Angel Girl, you suck.
Anyway, Grace decide to heed Angel Girl’s warning and get out of there before anything bad could happen. But as she was about to go down the stairs, she overheard the commotion from below. The words “Sam’s son Ethan” and “Sam’s affair with Ivy” reached her ears, and she began to once more feel woozy. You’d think that a woman who had been feeling faint all night wouldn’t stand for long periods poised over the stairs. You would be wrong because you are not an idiot soapie character.
Grace fainted and tumbled down the stairs. What a glorious tumble it was, full of bounce and roll. She landed and lay at the foot of the stairs, bleeding and unconscious. It’s a safe bet that the baby is done for. I was expecting the baby to miscarry from stress not an actual stairbaby, so that’s almost surprising.
Luckily for Grace, the partygoers were immediately at the scene to provide assistance. If by assistance, you mean their damndest to make things worse. What did Dr Eve Russell, respected physician, suggest they do with poor Grace? For someone to pick her up and move her to the library where it’s ‘quiet’. And what did Sam Bennett, chief of police who should really know better, do? He listened to Eve and picked her up, failing to even support her neck as her head flopped back.
Spinal injuries? What are these spinal injuries of which you speak?
For their sterling emergency skills, I have to award Eve and Sam this week’s Dummy. Pray you are never injured with these two on watch, unless you value little things like your spine and ability to walk.
Back at Bennett HQ, no-one new has been sucked into hell. Miguel, Reese, Luis and Jessica are all looking around for Charity and wondering if the scorch marks in her closet mean that she was right about seeing a portal to hell in there. Kay merely looks cold and miserable in the corner.
Father Lonnigan has arrived, his Clergysense alerting him to the presence of evil in the house that needs some good old fashioned Catholic ass-kicking. With holy water in hand, he is ready to fight whatever wickedness might be lurking in Charity’s closet. I think he needs a catchphrase. Maybe, after he’s destroyed some demon “You’ve been excommunicated, punk!”
To no-one’s surprise, Hecuba has revealed herself not to be a witch of her word by failing to give Kay her soul back. She claims that she needs to perform a long ritual, possibly involving a duck, to reinsert Kay’s soul, but this is a lie.
What Hecuba is really doing, besides toying with Kay’s mind as a giant cat might toy with a scared doll, is popping up in Tabitha and Timmy’s house and gloating about how she’s about to send them to hell.
You don’t scare me, Hecuba. Timmy and Tabby already managed to escape great danger all in the space of one veerrrryyy loooonnnnggg night. Timmy escaped the shadowy cats that lurked in the Bates’ house, and Tabitha narrowly managed to avoid the Janet Leigh fate of stabnation in the shower.
Turns out that Norma is a *bleep!* psycho killer and didn’t stab Tabitha once. All she stabbed was Tabby’s bottle of strawberry shampoo which just happened to be the exact same colour and consistency of blood.
You’d wonder how long Norma has really been active in murdering people if she makes a stupid mistake like mistake blood for strawberry shampoo. I could make a better psycho killer than her. Amateur.
Timmy and Tabby managed to escape from a vengeful Norma by dressing up in their best costumes ever. Ladies and gentlemen, I present:
Tabitha the nun and Rabbi Timmy.
It was the funniest thing I’ve seen in weeks. Timmy said “oy vey”! You haven’t lived until you’ve seen a dwarf in a beard and looking all Orthodox say “oy vey”! The best part was that everyone at the airport treated them like a real nun and rabbi. Brilliant.
This is why Hecuba must not succeed in her malevolent plan to send Timmy and Tabitha to hell. Who will wear the rabbi costumes and have montages to sad music when one of them supposedly dies? Who will bring the comedy, as well as surprisingly sweet moments like the one where Tabitha implored Hecuba to take her but spare Timmy who is an innocent? Who will make the Martimmies and poison quiches and petit fours?
It’s all fun and games when Hecuba is trying to destroy a wimp like Charity, but there not when my beloved Timmy and Tabby are in danger. You’re going down, Hecuba.