It’s been rough for Tad and his family and friends lately.
First his son, Jamie, went mute. While this might seem a positive thing to me, it was for some reason considered negative by Brooke and Tad who tried their best to get the whiny little drama queen to talk again.
The little attention-seeking brat was in a state because of Brooke and Edmund’s impending nuptials – God forbid his mother should fail to get back together with his father instead of moving on with her life. I’d tell him to shut up but he already had.
Unfortunately all it took for the brat to start speaking again was watching Brooke cry over how much she loved him or something. Damn you, Brooke’s de-muting tears! He was fine just the way he was, not having anything to say in that bored monotone of his. Children should be seen and not heard anyway, especially those that can’t act for *bleep!*.
Just as Jamie found his voice again, Tad took time out from his busy schedule of being an ass about Edmund and Brooke’s wedding and blaming it for Jamie’s issues to read a letter from his Swiss Miss, Dixie.
He learned that Dixie was pregnant with his baby and had magically decided to get back together with him because Swiss chocolate does wonders for your happiness levels. Hooray!
But bad news soon followed, as Tad learned only moments later that Dixie had had a close encounter with a Swiss embankment and was currently residing at 13 Grease Spot On The Road, The Alps, Switzerland.
Much grief followed. There was crying and flashbacks involving chicken suits and ugly, poufy wedding dresses, and it really was sad. It was so sad that I didn’t even have it in me to laugh at the bad graphic fx of a star shooting through a night sky they showed as Tad looked out the window of his plane to Zurich.
It was so sad, I even found the time to feel sympathy for poor JR over his mother’s death. The poor guy was so happy when he learned he was going have a little sister. “I’ve always wanted a little girl to buy skirts for,” he declared gaily, sounding like no teenage boy I’ve ever met.
Then when he found out Dixie was dead, his eyes went tragically watery in a second of true misery. Then his eyes went wacky and he smashed a vase and even through my laughter at his bad acting, I couldn’t help but think “poor lad”.
They haven’t said if they found Dixie’s body yet but it’s a good bet they never will. Nevertheless, whether you remain dead or there remains a window for your miraculous resurrection, RIP Dixie Martin.
In the Chandler mansion, everyone except Hayley continues to behave like they’ve also had major brain surgery. Mia found Trey less than thrilled when she revealed she didn’t have his sick child money and took about an age to get that this was a lie and Trey was evil:
Trey: Where’s my money, bitch?
Mia: Great news, Trey! Adam’s flying in a specialist in fakesickchilddiseasery. Little William is saved!
Trey: [Grabs her by the collar and starts shouting] Goddamn motherfucking *bleep!*! Mia, you idiot! Who cares about Whatisface’s unspecified illness?
Mia: [Confused stare] But, Trey, aren’t you happy William will be cured?
Trey: Get me my 20 000 dollars or your ass is toast. Steal it if you have to.
Mia: [Confused stare] But Trey, what about Willlliiiaaaammm?
Trey: William’s fine, dummy. But he won’t be unless I get my money.
Mia: [Confused stare] Why are you doing this?
Trey: Uh, hello, evil! Just threatened your kid. Total bad guy here.
Mia: So…what exactly are you trying to say?
After Trey finally managed to convince her that he was an evil, blackmailing bastard – a process which must have required venn diagrams, a powerpoint presentation, and shooting a puppy just to get through to Mia – he managed to get her to steal money from Liza.
Everyone except Hayley failed to be even remotely suspicious when Mia badly lied that that whole life-saving operation her terminal child needed or he would die was no longer necessary because his incurable, life-threatening illness had cleared up.
Puh-lease. Like Adam Chandler would ever fall for this *bleep!*. Look, just because you’re trying to please your wife and convince her you’re not evil incarnate doesn’t mean you have to start acting like your mentally retarded twin brother, Adam.
In between fretting over her son and looking guilty, Mia also found time for some soporific romantic scenes between her and suddenly boring Jake. They talked about…stuff and ate hotdogs and cupcakes. The cupcakes looked particularly yummy. It’s a bad sign for a romance when the most interesting thing about it is the food.
That doesn’t mean that Mia and Jake are the worst so-called romance in the show. No, that honour still goes to Erica and Chris. Making me want to jab pencils in my eyes is worse than boring any day.
Kendall, on learning of her mother’s hare-brained scheme to get her out of town (which in her own words was “the lamest thing she’d ever heard” like duh) tried to perform a valuable public service by pulling a gun on Erica in the middle of a crowded restaurant.
Oh don’t worry, no-one noticed. Even though the gun was pretty obvious and not even hidden under the table. The waiters of Pine Valley Inn are clearly a bunch of Mias.
She didn’t shoot unfortunately despite my repeated calls to “Shoot her in the knee!” Turns out the gun wasn’t loaded anyway, so there would be no bullet-related knee injuries in any case.
The worst thing about this was not the further breakdown of Erica and Kendall’s mother/daughter relationship (like that wasn’t already a million different molecules floating around town) but the destruction of the Kendall/Bianca sisterhood.
Bianca was pissed that Kendall had pulled a gun on her mother even though it wasn’t loaded and it’s not like the bullet wouldn’t have bounced off Erica’s protective hairdo anyway. So they went at it.
Kendall smacked poor Bianca down about being mommy’s favourite perfect little self-righteous princess and Bianca smacked poor Kendall down about being an entitled revenge freak and it was brilliant and fun and totally sad because I loved the sisterhood – all two minutes of it they ever bothered to show.
So I’m inordinately depressed about the fact that they’re now bitter enemies all because of a tiny misunderstanding involving drunken driving, threatening parental figures with guns and selling stories to tabloids.
Bah. Of course, if this show gives me lots more awesome hate-filled scenes with the two of them calling each other on their *bleep!* and simmering with antagonism, I might cheer up somewhat.
Luckily for Kendall, her hunky boyfriend isn’t against women with vengeance issues who point guns at their mothers. He was kinda turned on instead. So her being dissed and dissing all of her blood relations led, as such things generally do, to lots and lots of sex. Talk about understanding.
Greenlee on the other hand was less than understanding when she learned that her fiancé had gone off to visit his evil mother and lied to her about it too. She embodied that old bride-vs-mother-in-law cliché when she asked him to choose between her and his mother.
In this case, the mother is a murderous drug-lord so I think the bride has the edge.
She needn’t have worried/ Leo had visited Vanessa because he’d cut a deal with the police and was trying to learn where she’d hidden the drug money. He pretended he was on her side (again) and Vanessa pretended to believe him but didn’t really. Duh, she’d crazy not stupid. Well, technically she’s just pretending to be crazy and she was pretty stupid during the whole Proteus fiasco so…never mind.
The person Greenlee should be worrying about keeping a secret from her is her maid-of-honour, Simone. Greenlee is trying her damndest to learn who Simone’s “mystery hottie”, and is her face going to be red when she learns she’s been referring to her own daddy as a hottie for all this time.
Simone is guilty and trying to cover up sleeping with her best friend’s dad through cunning lies. But Greenlee sees through them all:
Greenlee: So what you do last night?
Simone: Dinner…with my…father?
Me: Dude, just because Roger screams “Who’s your daddy” is bed does not make him your father.
Greenlee: Stop lying to me Simone. I heard his voice over the phone and I recognised him. I know what you’re hiding. I know why you don’t want to tell me who your secret lover is. It’s because he’s…
Simone:
Gulp.
Greenlee: …married, isn’t he? You’re doing it with some married guy that I know and that’s why you’re hiding it from me.
Me: *Facepalm*
Very clever, Greens. Brilliant. You’re officially a Passions character, what with your amazing ability to jump to the completely wrong conclusion about someone’s deep, dark secret.
Simone needs to watch out, not just because Greenlee’s going to go postal when she learns the truth, but because Roger is the one who is responsible for sending a mysterious thug to beat up Trey and figure out where the Proteus cash is hidden.
Also, he has managed to outdo himself in terms of the ugly pink shirts he likes to wear. The latest was an eye-searing shade that I’m not sure didn’t blind Simone on sight. It was practically neon. He looked like Don Johnson in Miami Vice.
Thug: Dude, what's up with your shirt?Oh Simone, why are you always so attracted to the bastards with the ugly shirts?