I hate the Blacks.
Hmm, that sounds really bad. Don’t worry, I’m not writing up my membership essay for the AWB. I am in fact referring to the mostly blonde Black family consisting of John, Marlena, Brady and that goddamn Belle.
Brady and Belle especially have been in full slappable mode, causing a sharp pain in my head whenever they showed up on screen. Rex and Cassie may be the genetically engineered ones but I find myself wondering if there wasn’t some genetic engineering going on with Brady and Belle as well. They must have some gnat genes spliced in there somewhere.
Both of them seem to have only one mission in life nowadays. Parasitically latching onto their hosts and following them everywhere and asking them “What are you doing? What are you up to? What’s your secret? I’m not going to leave you alone until you tell me what you’re hiding.”
The person the parasite known as Brady has chosen as his host is the woman who’s technically his step grandmother, Nicole. Chloe’s inflicting aural warfare somewhere in Europe but this is not the happy event it might sound like as Brady is now free to tail Nicole and not allow her a moment’s privacy.
Everywhere she goes, Brady is there, asking her what she’s hiding and being a general ass about the marriage between her and Victor. Apparently he sees how badly Victor is treating her and how miserable she is but maintains that there must be a reason for it and it’s therefore Nicole’s fault.
One time he tried to be as witty as Winston Churchill and failed miserably by telling her “When you sober up, you’ll still be a whore”. Well, Brady, if she is a whore, than what do you call the guy who marries the whore and treats her worse than he treats his horses? Or the guy who sees all of this going on but does nothing to stop it, instead deciding to call her names? A misogynistic dumbfuck is what I’d call you.
Some episodes later he was nicer and said that she had a brain and didn’t need to resort to sex games in order to get things done, which is totally rich since he was the one who called her a whore.
The worst thing about these foul scenes is that they’re clearly leading into one of those starts-off-hate-turns-into-love pairings. The fool writers are trying their best to sully Nicole’s storyline by pairing her up with the Bradysite.
In many ways it’s understandable because Nicole can and does have chemistry with dead bodies (witness her lovely rapport with poor dead, now blown-up Rolf). But it’s still a horrid, horrid prospect and I hateloathedetestdespiseabhor it.
They already had Nicole all out-of-character needy whining to him to take her with him to the Blue Note, like she’d ever beg like that. And though Nicole tried her gameliest to bring the chemistry, it’s not there from Brady’s side.
The one scene had her dropping her towel in front of him, and Brady, instead of falling to his knees and thanking God for the sight, stared at her with a mixture of complete boredom and disgust.
Let me repeat that. Brady, faced with hot, nekkid, wet Nicole, did not even bat an eyelid but instead looked at her like she was a giant fly. Not even the tiniest of interested reactions. How I am supposed to like this couple when Brady is clearly very, very:
I will even go so far and irrationally blame Nicole’s recent loss of a brain on him. For some reason, she thinks the best place to hide a dead body is in the Kiriakis stables. Not sure why no groomsmen or other horsey folk are ever down there. Or maybe they are, but corpses on the Kiriakis estate are just part of the job and they ignore it.
As if this wasn’t dumb enough, Nicole also decided she’d talk to poor dead Rolf as much as possible, leading Brady to catch her in the act several times. And just when she got rid of the body and in doing so managed to release Larry from prison, she stashed him in the stables too.
Oh, Nicole, Nicole. The perfect crime, this most certainly is not. So have this Dummy in honour of your crimes against intelligence. Tell you what, have Larry kill Brady too and I’ll rescind the award.
Also experiencing a parasite problem but bringing it on himself in many ways is Blockhead Philip who has Belle following him around 24/7 messing with his well-though-out (snort) spy missions.
Needing a date he could easily ditch at a party at the Kiriakis mansion, he naturally chose Belle. Because it’s not like she’s followed him before and is in any way a nosy little twit. Shockingly Belle did act like a nosy little twit and followed him into the rafters where he was spying on Tony and One-track Maya, the latest villain with a thing for Shawn.
Somehow Belle and Philip ended up in their underwear through the dumbest contrivance possible.
A few days later, Belle decided to follow Philip onto a ship and interfere with his spying there as well. Some thugs caught them and they were almost shot but sadly not quite. Belle did knock her head on a box though, which was fun. They finally escaped by stripping down to their undies – as Philip explained,
gratuitous shirtlessness is more important that not getting shot by thugs they needed speed and clothes would drag them down.
This seems to be a pattern for them. Philip spies on a baddie, Belle follows and idiotically draws attention to them, they need to strip to their undies. I start bleeding from my eye sockets.
Somehow Belle has managed to do the impossible: she’s managed to make Philip an even worse spy.
Shawn himself is trying some amateur undercover work by going after One-track Maya. It’s painfully boring because Maya is a badly-acted caricature. The only notable thing about it is that it shows Shawn is an awful wannabe lawyer type and insults his firm’s potential clients by calling them ‘untrustworthy’ and ‘not nice people’.
Meanwhile Bo and Hope want to sell the Fancy Face to pay for their new job as bounty hunters and to be honest, they’re sweet together but it’s also kinda boring. Call me when they start tracking down bounties instead of bemoaning their finances and reminiscing about a damn boat.
Even though Vin is now in prison, Bo still found the time to go to his cell and shoot him righteous glares as Vin gloated about the deal he’d made with the DA. Vin wasn’t fazed. He merely growled and purred sarcastic comments at Bo’s attempts to convince him not to take the reduced sentence he was offered. Bo decided he’d have to convince Vin another way – he got down on his knees, unzipped Vin’s pants and…
Wait, that last part never happened, did it? That was what I was expecting to happen when Bo and Vin had their little gay porn moment in the cell. Vin somehow managed to inject every single word with the promise of rough hatesex against the bars of the cell. It seriously looked like the first five minutes of an adult film entitled “Jailhouse Cock” starring Bone Brady and Vin Ramrod.
Someone who was lucky not to experience their own prison sex scenario was Cassie. While trolling the docks for men, she was arrested by an undercover officer for solicitation.
Damn, Cassie! I was kidding all those times I called you a whore. I didn’t mean you should go and literally be one! Is this my fault? Have my playful and ironic jokes about Cassie’s supposed whoredom led her to become one in some sort of self-fulfilling prophecy?
Not that Cassie was even really asking for sex for money. She was just asking for sex. It was the officer who jumped to the wrong conclusion. Anyway, the dress she was wearing may have been revealing but it was still way to classy to be a dockworker’s.
Poor Cassie had a bad night. Luckily Rex was there to comfort her. He first said that her arrest wasn’t a big deal and it would be a funny story to tell her grandkids. Yes, I can just imagine it now. Little old granny Cassie in her rocking chair telling them “One time when I was a youngster, I was arrested for prostitution down at the docks. They mistook me for a whore which I certainly wasn’t. I was actually a slut. It was a grand old misunderstanding.”
(Sorry. I must refrain from slut jokes about Cassie. Can’t let her think she really is one or else she really is going to become Paris Hilton.)
Cassie understandably was not comforted by the thought of telling her descendants how she’d been mistaken for a hooker. She complained about how badly Roman Brady had treated her and how she’d been forced to stripsearch. Right, like she didn’t secretly enjoy the stripsearch.
(Sorry. I will stop that. Promise.)
Her night was about to become worse. Rex revealed that John and Marlena were not really her parents, and she was really the progeny of the man who was booking her for solicitation. Horror of horrors, in came Roman to throw Cassie in jail for the night. Cassie freaked out because t
here were no boys in the jail cell to make out with the memories of her childhood locked in a small room came flooding back to her.
(So sorry. Truly. I officially declare that my last Cassie is a ho joke ever. This week.)
Her breakdown in the cell was very sympathy-inducing. What can I say? Vulnerable Cassie moments really get to me.
In his own way, Rex has been just as horrified at the idea that Tony and Marlena aren’t his parents. He actually wants to be a DiMera instead of a Brady, and I can’t really blame him for that one bit because I’d want the same thing if I were him. He deals with his pain by making out with Mimi a lot, a coping mechanism of which I also approve.
Best of all, instead of waiting to have sex for several millennia like Belle and Shawn are doing, Rex and Mimi have already consummated their relationship. It was just as cute and funny as I expected it to be. No unpoppable cherry for Meems, even though it looked like it might be for a bit when they kept getting interrupted.
It was after they’d finished taking poor dead Rolf to the morgue, because nothing says love like helping your boyfriend get rid of the body. It’s clear they liked it a lot too because they haven’t been able to keep their hands off each other since then. Finally, a young soapie couple in a loving relationship who just enjoy sex.
When not fooling around with Mimi and trying to find out who his mother is, Rex is pleasing the man he wishes was his real father, Tony, by building him his diamond-making laser. Some people give their dad socks for Father’s Day. Rex gives lasers. He is officially the best son ever.
Their father/son relationship of wrongdoing is very appealing and sweet. I love how proud they are of each other – Tony of his supposed son who’s a chip of the old block and Rex who’s just proud of his evil heritage. Goes to show that the DiMera bond isn’t about blood, it’s about family.
Sami’s woken up! It’s pretty clear that the hospital nay-sayers were wrong because she sure as hell isn’t suffering from brain damage. The first thing she did was to tell Tony (via whiteboard) to tell Tony to go to hell, so the old Sami spirit is still there.
In fact, I think her accident may have woken her brain up to the sexiness that is her and Lucas. She’s now having dreams about him kissing her. Lucas on his part is being verrrry protective of her, and anyone can see that his defensive claims that he still hates Sami with a fiery passion are hollow.
Proof positive that Lucas is realising his feelings towards Sami? He’s actually inching out of slut mode. He’s actually turned down Cassie’s offers to comfort him a bunch of times and really is trying his best to resist the onslaught that is Cassielust.
Be strong, Lucas! I know you have it in you to turn down a nubile young beauty. Think of Sami.