Warning: This blog post is not suitable for sensitive viewers. It features disturbing situations of incest and carries a five ‘ew’ rating. That’s pretty high if you consider that an episode involving Chloe singing, Jack and Jen’s vile TV show, Belle in any form, Blockhead nudity, and Maya performing fellatio on a strawberry, would only warrant a 4 ‘ew’ rating. You have been warned.So…yeah. You know how Cassie was throwing (more like catapulting) herself onto Lucas at every opportunity? And how Lucas was trying his level best to not shag her because he was secretly nursing love for Sami yet but didn’t really know it yet?
Well stupid Kate got involved and made Lucas feel generally ashamed for having any positive feelings for Sami whatsoever rather than rejoicing at her pain. So Lucas decided he would give in to Cassie’s advances and went with her to a motel.
And you know how Kate was very disparaging of Cassie before and was insulting her about her untrustworthiness and lack of virtue, and anyone who was watching and hated Kate like me made the obvious insult of ‘takes one to know one’? And how former whore Kate should shut her trap since her own kids aren’t models of society?
And you know how Rex didn’t know who his mother was? And how he got Mimi to get data from the hospital for him in between shags so he could use it to learn who his mother was?
Well Mimi did it and Rex somehow found out which of Salem’s lovely ladies was his and Cassie’s mother. At the same time, Cassie and Lucas were all kissy-face and about to get it on.
You see what I’m trying to say here?
Yep, that Rex learned that Kate was his and Cassie’s mama just as Cassie was about to have sex with Kate’s son Lucas. Her very own half-brother.
Say it with me:
EEEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
Rex jumped out of his chair and tried to find Cassie to stop her doing anything more with Lucas she might regret. I was so willing him to succeed that I didn’t even make fun of him using his ridiculous psychic twin connection to find out where Cassie was. As Cassie and Lucas got it on, I was screaming “My eyes, my sweet eyes!” so loud that I didn’t even perve over half-naked, black bra-clad Cassie through the blood that was seeping out of my eyeballs.
Rex burst into the motel room of shame and found Cassie and Lucas…Oh God, I can’t even type it…completely naked in bed together. Rex threw the sister-fucker out of the room and proceeded to drop the bombshell on a disbelieving Cassie. She’d just had sex with her brother.
EEEEEWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!
But wait! Cassie, rightfully horrified over this bit of info, confessed that they hadn’t actually had sex! Yay! No incest took place! See, there was no sex. Just flirting. And nuzzling. And tongue-kissing. And groping.
On second thought, I take back that yay.
Poor Cassie. Who knew that anything could trump growing up in a lab without parents, having Belle as a temporary sister, getting arrested for drunken behaviour and later solicitation, and getting dumped first by *bleep!* Blockhead on a bad dating show? But this whole incest thing is definitely the thing that she’ll be telling her therapist about for years to come.
Ooh, just thought of something else. Cassie has also flirted with another of her brothers, Philip. Thank God she didn’t win that dating show or she’d have even more incest issues going on.
Although if you think about it, this parental revelation makes perfect sense. Genes are omnipotent in Soapieland and Cassie has all the characteristics of a Roberts spawn. She’s of dubious moral character (at least compared to those squeaky clean Hortons and Bradys), she loves the booze, and she’s kinda slutty.
That describes Billie and Lucas to a tee. No wonder she got on so well with Lucas, she has so much in common with him.
This leads to another gross thing, that potential couple Lucas and Sami share a sibling. But I want them to get together so much that I’m willing to overlook this charming fact. Hey, it’s only pseudo-incest, not the proper kind anyway.
Not sure about Rex since he really does seem more like DiMera spawn than Roberts spawn. Considering how much he loves Mimi sexin’ we know he’s also very sexual and he definitely flirts with evil, but he just seems more like Tony than Kate.
Kate’s spawn have always been more shady and scheming than outright evil. The DiMeras on the other hand have actively indulged in illegal, mastermind pursuits like controlling the weather and ridiculous James Bond villain inventions like diamond-making machines.
Tony for example is mixed up in some illegal scheme involving diamond-smuggling and, in Philip’s own words “some kind of chemical or biological goo”. Nice to see Philip so up on the scientific terms for things.
What could that goo really be? The vial of goo looks awfully familiar to me. Could Tony be smuggling
Kay’s soul?
Tony’s business associate, One-track Maya, has sent him a lovely fruit basket. Unfortunately the fruit basket contains a ticking time bomb. Goo smuggling is a dangerous business.
Hopefully Tony won’t be blown up into separate pieces because we’ve already lost poor, dead Rolf that way. Also he’s on a boat so if he blows up, then his bits and pieces are going to be floating around the ocean for fish to eat. Can you imagine those poor fishies trying to digest his leathery skin and flesh?
Back on dry land, Philip told Belle that he’s a secret agent. Belle, instead of leaving Philip to his spycraft, has decided to continue to want to butt in and help him do whatever. That’s after she whined about the fact that every time she helped him she ended up in her underwear.
She then referred to Maya as a barracuda. True, but you Belle are a remora, latching onto someone and never letting go.
Philip later told Shawn to keep a handle on his nosy twit of a girlfriend so she wouldn’t go stuffing up his missions even further so she got all angry.
“How dare you try to keep me out of your dangerous and super secret spy business?” she asked, indignant, “Is this because I’m a girl?” No, it’s because you’re a retard who constantly and needlessly puts yourself in the way of danger and is about as adept at survival as your average lemming. That’s not sexism, that’s lemmingism.
Brady, the other remora in the family, gave his sister remora his apartment to live in since he must be near his host at the Kiriakis mansion. Nicole at one point called him a misogynist pig, and pigs around the world objected.
He also continued to show an uncanny instinct for finding Nicole to poke his strangely-shaped nose where it doesn’t belong. Nicole sped away in her car to buy a gun from a thug with Mimi’s hairstyle, and somehow Brady managed to track her down in a nondescript alleyway.
The link between parasite and host is strong, I see. That’s what comes of Nicole spending so much time with the horses – she picked up a bad case of Bradyworm. Removing it is clearly going to take untold numbers of bottles of worm medicine.
The worm is slowly burrowing its way into her brain because she’s still keeping Larry in the stables and still showing signs of brain damage. At one point Larry phoned her, and not only did she talk to him in public, she also said the words “Kill my husband” out loud.
Larry may also have picked up a case of the Bradyworm if his own brain activity is anything to go by. Instead of laying low as an escaped criminal might be expected to, he’s strolling around and being generally blasé about being caught.
These criminals are far too confident. But for good reason if you think about the law-enforcers in Salem. Take Bo and Hope. Bo sold the Fancy Face and bought a suitably crime-fighting car, and he and his wife sped off on their first, rather easy mission.
The mission went so well that they’d managed to get caught by baddies, had their car stolen from them, and exposed to car exhaust fumes while tied up in an airtight garage. They then took the time to banter, even as the poisonous carbon monoxide fumes filled their lungs and killed their brain cells.
Luckily for them, chairs are made cheap in TV world and it is easy enough to break one especially when you’re tied to it. Bo and Hope’s Adventures in Bounty Hunting don’t exactly look to be wildly successful, do they?
Maybe they should take the Bradyworm aboard as a partner. He could infect the criminals they need to catch, and then if they escape, the Bradyworm will find them.