First of all, I gotta throw a big fat boo SABC3’s way. One of the mad schedule changes they enacted in order to accommodate their shiny new toy, Days Of Our Lives, was to shove All My Children in some unwatchable timeslot at 9:30 in the goddamn morning.
Never mind that they were advertising that they had shoved it at like midnight or something before they changed it without warning in order to accommodate their eleventy-billion JAG and Charmed repeats. Gotta love those repeats.
But I can totally understand showing this at random morning hours when no-one’s watching. It’s not like they could’ve shown it an hour earlier in the afternoon at 3 or anything, because that would conflict with their brand new children’s slot.
What a great idea that was because I was just thinking “You know what there’s not enough of in afternoon TV? Kiddies’ programming.” Isn’t it great that every single channel now shows kids’ shows at that time? So now, if you’re hanging around at home at that time and you want to watch a bit of telly, you can expose yourself to the countless shitty, poorly animated cartoons and the precocious ADD-addled brats who present said shows with plastered rictuses on their faces.
So in honour of their brilliant schedule changes, they’re the ones who are getting the Dummy this week rather than any soapie characters.
Where was I? Right, the show. All two episodes of it that was slotted in between cricket, cricket and more cricket. (Oh, and by the way, nice move SABC3 acquiring Days just in time to pre-empt it for days on end for the test cricket. The loyal Days fans love ya for that).
In those whole two episodes, Dixie remained dead. Over in Switzerland, Tad cried over a sonogram of his dead wife’s just-as-dead baby and it was still sad. But the sadness was tempered somewhat by the fact that apparently (and I know you’ll be shocked to hear this), Dixie’s body was never recovered.
Rest In Peace, Dixie. At least until the probable future where you come back from the dead, suffering from amnesia and bringing with you Tad’s daughter who you actually think belongs to the Swiss farmer who nursed you back to health after the car accident and who’s suddenly a sullen teenager even though she was born two years ago.
Oh what? It can’t be more unbelievable than the eventual excuse the show would come up with if they do bring her back from the dead.
Back at home, everyone else also grieved over Dixie’s death. Jake buried his grief in Martin self-righteousness, somehow managing to blame David of all people for Dixie’s death because it was him who sent her to Switzerland.
Oh whatever, Jake. It’s also the travel agent’s fault who sold Dixie her ticket. And the Swiss road authorities for not doing road maintenance often enough. And Henry T Ford for mass producing cars and making them available to the masses.
So unless David taught Dixie to drive, it’s as much his fault as it is yours. So shut your trap and go shove a cupcake in Mia’s mouth or something.
David was devastated over Dixie’s death and like Tad got his own set of Dixie flashbacks, albeit with no ugly wedding dresses or chicken costumes, and slightly better hair. He wallowed in his grief by wandering around town, telling Leo about how Dixie’s goodness and purity had magically made him want to populate the world with his evil spawn.
Anna, who was eavesdropping on like everyone that day, responded to this by refilling her prescription for birth control pills as quickly as possible. I think she may still feel a teensy bit threatened by Dixie if she’s so intent on refusing to do anything with the stench of Dixie over it.
Oh come on, Anna. There’s no need for such paranoia. Your rival’s dead so there’s no need for any more jealousy. You no longer have to compete with Dixie for David’s affections. Now you just have to compete with a martyred dead woman who will never, ever fall from the pedestal that David’s got her on.
So…yay?
JR dealt with his pain by whining about how unloved he was now that his mama was roadkill. He barely managed to restrain himself from singing “Nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I’m gonna eat some worms”.
But it’s ok. I’m not even going to make fun of him for that because the kid’s just lost his mother. So he has free reign to do the worm-eating thing. Plus I saw him on Veronica Mars last week as a happy-clappy cultist from the world’s only non-crazy, non-evil cult and he was actually kinda cute there. So I’m feeling generous.
In non-dead news, the court very thoughtfully decided to have Kendall and Bianca’s arraignments on the same day at the same time. Aw, that’s sweet. Some sisters share clothes – these two share court dates.
First up on the stand was Bianca, wearing a ponytail of sobriety in order to better convince the judge to be lenient. In an impassioned speech, she owned up to he guilt and managed to apologise to freakin’ Maggie for her drunken mistakes.
Maggie just sat at the back of the court looking like someone had eaten her canary. There was a distinct lack of apologising on her part for letting her inebriated so-called friend get in her car. Oh get over it, you asshole. Is this supposed to be like gay panic? Or is it just regular stupid panic caused by someone being a total dolt about something?
The judge was also not swayed by the sincerity in Binks’ big brown eyes. He actually sentenced her to go back into Erica’s custody! That’s way harsh. He couldn’t have gone light on her and sentenced her to jailtime instead?
Afterwards it was Kendall’s turn to defend herself against charges of giving drinks to underage girls. Evil Trey, in his noble-in-a-twisted-way quest to keep all the cool people from leaving the show, defended her by besmirching Bianca’s good name.
This made Erica freak the *bleep!* out and a screaming match ensued between her and Kendall. Judges must dread court cases involving these two for precisely this reason. Afterwards Kendall continued her bitchery which led to a glorious bitch-off between her and Bianca (Thanks, writers! Love ya!) in order to implicate her in what was soon to happen.
A mysterious figure (yes, another one) snuck into Bianca’s bedroom and set it on fire, all the while smoking McGuffin brand cigarettes. And, as the hammer blows to my head will attest, Kendall Is A Smoker. It must be her! She smokes and the firestarter smokes – irrefutable proof.
House went poof, up in flames. Bianca proved she had never paid attention at school those days they taught fire safety by staring dumbly into the flames instead of getting the hell out of there. It was up to stupid Chris to play the hero as usual and rescue her. Sigh.
At that moment, Kendall very conveniently showed up carrying a bucket of herrings and some red paint. Oh you tricky show, you, with your subtle hints that she is the culprit. She stopped Erica from running into the inferno by knocking her out with a vase. Hooray!
Then the house fell down and exploded, still with Chris and Bianca in. Somehow I doubt they’ll be chilling with Dixie, drinking margaritas up in surreal heaven. Chris won’t die because I hate him so I’m stuck with him forever. And Bianca won’t die because Fate has way too much fun making her her bitch and killing her off would spoil that.
Remember that plotline about the two best friends where one is sleeping with the other’s father? No, not the one in 7de Laan (soaps recycle plotlines? Perish the thought), the one with Simone and Greenlee. Well, the reason for Simone’s affair with Roger has been made abundantly clear.
Daddy issues.
See, Simone’s own father came for a visit and was all subtly judgmental about her apartment, job and everything else in her life while she tried her best to attain his approval. See? Daddy issues. That’s why Simone fell for the ultimate schmooze, Roger the Ratbastard.
So older man Roger shows up with his sleazy charm, calling her pretty and giving her gifts, and of course she can’t resist. Suddenly it all becomes clear. But that still doesn’t explain the Mateo thing.
Roger may be a good daddy-figure for his lovah but he’s still the worst father ever to his real daughter. Dude bought two gifts, an ugly candlestick set for Greenlee and some sexy lingerie for Simone. At the same time.
Can you guess what happened next?
Full marks if you guessed that the gifts went to the wrong place so Simone got the candlesticks and Greenlee got the lingerie. And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why you never shop for a family member and your illicit lover all in one go.
Good luck explaining that one, Roger. Or else Leo and Greenlee can both talk about the squicky incestuous overtones of their parental relationships.