It’s that time of the month again. That time when we find out the identity of the Mysterious Figure du jour that is wandering around Pine Valley causing mischief and mayhem.
This month’s Mysterious Figure, responsible for setting fire to the Kane mansion, is…drumroll…
Trey!
Hold on here a second. Trey again? But he was the last Mysterious Figure who was responsible for drugging Vanessa and breaking her out of the hospital. Why is he always the Mysterious Figure?
Is he going to be the culprit for all incidents involving Mysterious Figures from now on? Cos that just takes all the fun out of guessing who the Mysterious Figure might be. It’s pure laziness to recycle your Mysterious Figure like this.
The reason Trey set fire to the Kane mansion, it appears, was to steal some top secret Proteus files belonging to Chris without anyone noticing that they were missing. Or something. Yes, it seemed ridiculously contrived and pointless to me too.
But as with most evil things Trey does, this latest bit of evilness had unexpected good side effects. In the blazing inferno, a beam fell upon Chris’ overly shiny head and he was trapped underneath it. The beam thoughtfully left Bianca alone, leaving her free to escape.
This led to a Titanic-esque scene wherein Bianca tried to save Chris but he kept telling her to get out of there and let him go. For the first time ever I found myself agreeing with Chris. Because Bianca is a girl and we girls are not allowed to do such things as rescue man menfolk on soapies, she took his advice and abandoned the futile effort. Hooray!
Unfortunately Ryan somehow found himself a fireman’s outfit (did he happen to have one lying around? Did he knock out a fireman and steal his? Did he ask nicely to borrow one?) and bravely faced the inferno to save his pleatherfaced Daddy’s ass. Damn yoooouuuu, saviour Ryan!
After the ordeal no-one was hurt. Not even a second bout of paralysis for Chris – his constant losing and regaining the use of his legs could have become a running joke.
But Trey’s firestarting did have one positive and permanent effect. Erica’s house is now ashes and rubble. Thank God. I always thought the Kane mansion was an ugly set so it gives me particular pleasure to see it go out with a bang.
Unfortunately with the good comes the bad, and the fire brought with it bad things for all involved. Especially me, as I was forced to endure a Chris/Erica ‘sexy’ bath scene afterwards. Nothing like almost getting burned to a crisp to get the love juices flowing, no?
Bianca chose to not to take a shower immediately afterwards but decided to mope in a park, still covered in ash and soot and no doubt sticky from the smoke. Ew. There she opened a box she had salvaged from the ashes. It contained everything precious to her – in other words her girly mags book of sonnets. Unfortunately for her, her letter from Frankie, one of the only two remnants of her dead girlfriend, was torn.
Ok, God or Fate or whoever? That’s just mean. Is there nothing you won’t do to torture the poor girl? Must you rain personal insults upon her as well as more larger-scale tragedies? Fine, kill off her girlfriend. Give her amnesia and have her think she’s a murderer. Have her car crash into a tree. Make her move back in with her mother. Burn her house down. But couldn’t you spare her damn letter?
Kendall had it even worse as she was arrested for arson and other ‘criminal mischief’ (their words, not mine). This is particularly bad because she is still wearing the same top as she was three weeks ago and can’t change out of it. I’m really sick of the top.
Worse than the no-doubt sticky and yucky top is the possibility that she might go to jail. Luckily Ryan does not believe she is an arsonist and is prepared to travel the country with her on a motorcycle. Good luck with that. The fact that Kendall looks prison-bound might put a damper on your cross-country motorbike plans.
Unless…ooh, got it! Two words, Kendall. Prison. Break. Ryan could tattoo the structural blueprint of the prison on his torso and…aw, dammit. That wouldn’t work cos he’s a guy and wouldn’t be allowed in a women’s prison. Ooh, but if we’re going to go by the show, then your sibling would have to do it. So Bianca could tattoo the structural blueprint of the prison on her…wait, she hates you, doesn’t she?
Aw *bleep!*.
Ok, so the Prison Break thing’s out. But all is not lost. If Kendall hires a good lawyer, then she has a shot. And Kendall did! She has hired Trey to represe…wait, Trey? As in the guy who framed her?
Aw sheeeet.
So…good luck in prison, Kendall.
In order to release her on bail, Ryan had to get hold of a million dollars, so he decided to hit up Liza for cash. On learning that Ryan was attempting to bleed Liza of her hard-stolen cash, Mia was naturally incensed. After all, Mia is the only one who should be allowed to bleed Liza of her hard-stolen cash. Who does Ryan think he is imposing on her territory?
In between everyone trying to get their hands on her cash, Liza got a bit woozy and promptly got really scared at the thought that the tumour might be back for a sequel in Tumour 2: Electric Boogaloo. Now I’m no doctor, but wouldn’t faintness be expected in someone who recently had their head cut open and brain poked around in? Would the tumour really grow back this fast even if it was the tumour?
Of course, it’s a soapie so why the hell am I trying to apply normal medical rules. Liza’s head wasn’t even shaved and her hair is perfect after she had a brain operation so I’ll keep my wacky notions about ‘realism’ out of things.
Maybe the tumour has come back. Maybe that’s why she’s wearing her pants pulled up so high. That’s a sign of a sick mind, that is.
My Hayley love continues to grow for every suspicious look and biting remark she throws Mia’s way. Mia makes up some lie about looking for a rat and Hayley pointedly talks about getting rid of vermin while staring at Mia. Bitchy Hayley is seriously great fun when she directs that bitchiness at Mia.
David and Anna are meanwhile busy having marital woes. As with many marriages, kids are the contentious issue. Specifically David found out that Anna was still using birth control and he got annoyed that she didn’t immediately offer up her womb as real estate for his spawn.
He claimed that he was angry because she was refusing to discuss it with him first, even after he’d expressed a desire to start a family. Or something. Which like whatever, dude.
As far as I’m concerned, it is Anna’s body and its natural state is childless. So just because David mentioned his dream of unleashing his devilspawn upon the world and watching them run around a weeping willow trying to inject each other with toy syringes does not mean that it’s automatically open season on Anna’s womb and she has to stop with the birth control and put out a little welcome mat for sperm in her uterus.
David’s just being controlling. Doesn’t mean I want them to break up of course, because they’re still hot together even if they are having some relationship issues. Maybe they can go on Dr Phil. And the David can inject him with Libidozone.
It’s all Dixie’s fault for dying that David is so broody. Brooding David is fine, but broody David is just weird. But now that Dixie and her unborn child bit the big one, David has grasped the fleetingness of life.
Damn that Dixie and her dying. It’s just causing problems for everyone. Tad is moping about how he even fell in love with her ridiculous name when at first he thought he was the stupidest thing he’d ever heard. I suppose it is a very nice name. For a budgie.
Because of his moping, Edmund and Brooke have decided to postpone their wedding because having your wedding right after a beloved friend has just died is a total downer and people will be too busy mourning to buy good wedding presents.
This has even affected Jamie, who is silent and sulky about Dixie’s death. As opposed to the other 99% of the time when he’s silent and sulky about everything else. Send the child to summer camp, I say, and maybe he’ll come back as a better actor. At least he might come back a better-looking actor so it won’t be so bad if he sucks.
JR’s mourning continues to almost affect me and make me laugh at the same time. He starts to talk about his dead mother and I start to feel for him and then his lip starts to quiver in the most cartoonish way possible and I dissolve into giggles. Dude, sad quivering lips should be understated and naturalistic not look like your lip has Epilipsy. Get it? Epilipsy…oh never mind.
Keep at it, JR. You’re a quivery lip away from competent acting.