My boyfriend worships his penisWhatever I'm about to write on here are stuff that I sometimes wish I could say to the man that calls me his woman, but I can't because, like most of our conversations, it is just going to end up being all defensive, with each of us pulling in their own direction, and it will not end anywhere. I am posting this here because chances of me ever being able to tell it to him are very slim. Typing it out and reading it over might just help me find healing, or answers. Who knows? Maybe after going through it perhaps twice, I will realise that the problem is with me.
I am in a relationship with a man who thinks his penis is the most important thing in the world. I know he wouldn't admit it even if I had to say it to his face, but my boyfriend worships his penis. He tells me he loves me so many times, but I have come to learn that his "
I love you" rhymes with "
I want you to make me feel good", and whenever I do not respond positively to that desperate cry, I get repaid with the world's worst rejection.
I do not remember the last time my boyfriend made an effort to just make me smile without it having to lead to a steamy sex session. He sleeps with his hand on my vagina...and should I dare make a movement that has a potential of suggesting that I might not be completely comfortable with the placement of the hand on the nunus, then I should already know that I am personally signing an exclusive invitation to the man's huge, broad shoulders. He would immediately turn and face the other way faster than I can pronounce the word, 'sorry'. And he knows there is nothing that I hate more than sleeping behind him. I am much smaller than he is. Clinging to his back like that always reminds me of this one Biology chapter on Symbiosis back in high school. Every text book had this picture of a big broad-shouldered rhino with a small birdie on its back.
The moral of the picture was that the birdie simply feeds itself by cleaning the rhino off ticks and termites. I always, without a doubt, feel like that little birdie whenever I have to cling onto boyfie's back for dear life like that. Not funny.
My boyfriend believes making me happy means putting me on a marathon of 5 rounds a night, without catching any breath. Oneday I tried to play some "let's see how long we can kiss" game. 3minutes into it and he said one of his shocking statements:
"I'm tired of this. Let me tell you something...I am not a foreplay typa guy. This long kissing and touching that doesn't eventually get to the point just makes me tired, and my dick gets bored".
And immediately, I shut the hell up. Mostly so because we had had a fierce argument a few days before about how I never listen and I always defend myself. So, with that conversation, I decided to shut my mouth, open my legs and let the man come in.
It has come to the point that I show him all the attention, touching and kissing when we are in public mostly because I know there's no way we are going to rip our clothes off during the people.lol, but I can't initiate that attention when it's just the two of us, coz a few seconds into it I know he will reach for the nunus.
I love cuddling, i love kissing and playing around. But my baby thiks the cuddling and the kissing should always lead to something steamy.
Another thing, you see, my boyfriend believes very much in the saying that "when you're good, you're good" and he doesn't need affirmation from anyone. I do enjoy the sex, when we start it properly; when it feels like we're making love. But my boyfriend doesn't see the difference. He believes he makes love to me all the time coz, afterall, I'm the woman he loves. I don't see it that way. I believe that love is giving. Sometimes by the time he presses his lower body against mine I'd be feeling all angry and disappointed at him and mostly at myself, with no love to give, therefore no love to make.
Never mind the fact that he'd kiss me passionately, with his eyes closed, then he'd reach for the nunus with his hand - to check if there's any wetness yet, then just about immediately, take off my underwear, and his, and hop in.
And when I say kiss passionately, I mean I'd be able to tell that he has a goal in mind - what he's aiming at is to have the nunus wet - just a little - he doesn't even wait for rivers overflowing - all he needs is a little dampness that indicates that there is a longing. He doesn't care much about slipping in. As long as there's water it means we both want it and we will push the master in there if we have to.
Should I dare mention a headache, or any kind of unreadiness...I will have an encounter with the broad shoulders.
He watches TV with his hand on the penis. And of course the fact that I'm not holding it and he has to do so, makes him totally mad. He doesn't understand how I can just be with him in the same room, just the two of us, with our clothes on, and not holding on to the penis or him placing his hand on my nunus - mostly he holds the nunus with the intention to get it a little damp so that he will then rush to slip the master in.
I just don't know anymore. I know Cosmopolitan says "
show your man what pleases you, and he will follow". I have tried. I have tried to show my boyfriend in so many ways that I enjoy conversation and small talk a little more than rocking the bed. I would rather chill, with the TV off, lie on his chest and talk about family, friends, business and the future...rather than scream hoo-haa in the bedroom.
I have tried to understand that as much as I might like that, clearly he likes the opposite, and believe me I have tried to compromise. I have tried to foreplay with a little conversation while fondling. He gets tired. I have done the whole candles on, TV off, dinner on the floor thing. The minute he said thank you for the food and grabbed a toothpick, he grabbed the remote too.
The thing is I love this man. I want to give him my best. I want to make him happy. It kills me that he doesn't see me as loving him. I mean, our definitions of love differ like I'm on the equator he's on the northpole and we are trying to discuss the weather. One day when I luckily managed to get him to hold a conversation, it ended in silence, as I realised just how different our gospel is. I articulated that to me
love is in giving, love is in fearing for the person you love, wishing that they can have the best, even if it could mean you have the least. I mentioned how
I don't believe love is necesarilly an emotion, and if it is, then I don't think its a feel-good one.
My boyfriend's response to this whole heart-poured-out articulation stated clearly that to him, love is very much about the other person making him feel good. "
I love you because of the way I feel when I'm with you or when I think about you".
I know this could've been an opportunity for me to lay the table cloth and start talking. But once again, I didn't want to come across as defending myself so I went silent.
The next question from him was that with all these wonderful things I believe love is, how then do I express it to him. By this point I had already switched off from the conversation as my mind had gone wandering off to all the moments I wish to have with him. As a result, my answer was a shrugged-off "
I guess I just don't know how to show it". And my beloved did not pick up the sarcasm in that; or he didn't care to.
As much as they say ladies like talking too much and men just don't, I don't think I should leave this case to some Mars vs Venus theory. Someone once said to me I should always remember that when I'm in a relationship, I'm in it for number one.i.e.ME! If it doesn't make me happy then it is not worth the seconds and minutes of my life. But I believe so strongly that this relationship is it. That oneday we will get each other, understand each other and just be with each other.
Some days I long to have good conversations with my beloved. Sometimes I wish we could just sit in the dark and laughingly relate all the things we wish to do for each other, all the time we wish to spend together. Some nights I wish my beloved and I would sits like that in the dark and go over the happenings of the day. Some days I would want to share my feelings, my fears and my dreams. I would wish to sit in the dark with my beloved and draw circles on his chest, speak in a small voice, listen to his heartbeat and feel him love me, without intercourse.
There is a poem by Tupac somewhere on the net called Jada, which apparently he wrote for Jada Pinkett before she was Mrs Smith. That poem has a line that says, "
you make me climax without sex". In those nights, that is exactly what I would want. Like my beloved would make me feel good and make me feel that he loves being with me, without having to stretch my vaginal muscles.
We do have some good times at times. But I have to note, that only happens if we haven't had any gliches in the bed department. If two days can go past without him releasing his salt, I should prepare myself for heavy breaths, deafening silences and some really horrible looks. I always have to be feeling terrible that I haven't let him have his way with me.
Some days I long for my beloved's company. Though he'd be sitting right beside me, he just wouldn't be there.
Now what happens is that I have all these emotions haboured up in me, hidden up within me, but because it's a lot of feelings that I haven't communicated, it all sort of shows up at times I don't want it to. I get all impatient with him, I judge and scrutinise every action of his. For something as simple as him obscuring my view of the television screen, I go through some hectic emotions hey...From...
he doesn't even care to check if I can see...to... he is so focussed on the TV but if I had to text something on my phone now he's going to get all upset needing attention...to... you know what, I don't want to watch this stupid programme anyway, lemme just go.
He interpretes it all as disrespect and lack of love towards him. The other day a conversation about marriage and babies popped up. Mind you, we have always known that we are working towards a lifetime of togetherness. My beloved dropped another bombshell then. I jokingly asked, "
vele, when are you sending your people to my home?"
The response, in his words, "
heh, I'm not marrying until there's a display of love and respect. Those two things have to be displayed first, until then, a re joleng".
As much as I have never been one after marriage or crazy about raising grandchildren, in that moment there I felt a dagger go through my heart. I couldn't even look him in the face...and as it could be expected, I reached for my pride first. A girl has got to respect herself.
"
Oh..okay...glad we're on the same page". I murmured.
So, I admit. I could be wrong in some way as well in the relationship. I so want to enjoy my beloved's company, joke around and just lose myself. But he sadly doesn't allow me to. Sometimes I look at him and I wonder if he has the same things going through his head. Maybe he also wishes we could just relax and be happy, but I am forever getting upset because of all these underlying emotions. It's just that for him, he needs me to do things his way, first. He wants me to jump at his orders first. And that is something I'm just not about to start doing.
I think relationships are supposed to be about getting to know the other and striving to make them happy. Sometimes I feel that we have been together for so long but my beloved hasn't made any effort to know me and accept me. He is mostly wrapped up in himself and he thinks he has done his part by "loving me", what's left is for me to respect him. But I'm still caught up in wanting him to define this loving and his definition of respect is also about me listening to him, being meek and silent and always giving him what he wants.
But perhaps I also just have a low self-esteem issue. Perhaps I am always trying to prove a point, putting my pride first and defending it even when I do not need to. Perhaps if I just let him be, I will learn to live around him. Then again this sounds almost like the line used by women who are abused.
Oh Lord! Am I a victim of emotional abuse? Or maybe we abuse each other.