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Are we even?

Written by zimdola from the blog Alcky types on 02 Mar 2010
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This is what a friend blogger asked me to do for her, post this article for her. I hope she responds to all the questions and I will make sure she does.

Here goes:

Another sis'Dolly article bloggers, I know most of yous hate it but hey I just need to hear your thoughts. Ok, brother-man(boyfriend) confessed that he cheated on me last year September 2009 and is only feeling guilty and telling me about this now(March 2010). Dunno why only now!!!!

He slept with this woman, he says he doesnt know how the whole thing happened, ungalibali ukuba brother-man doesnt do alcohol. Now I dont understand how he cant say how and what happened between the 2 of them, worse they didnt use a Condom(that was the one most important thing i wanted to know from him). He said it doesnt really matter how and where and when it happened. I want to know details, am I wrong to ask him for details. Will I be wrong if I could forced the details out of him?

He works far from home, so we were together the whole festive season and the first night we were together I asked him if we can still trust each other and he said "YES" I guess he was thinking and nodding with small head here, itswibi leya yakhe!!!! And we did what we always did, did not Abstain did not Condomize but we were Faithful partners(so i thought!). But now he tells me that he took HIV tests and he is still negative. I didnt know whether to cry after talking to him about this or what. I've always told myself that I will not let a man get away with cheating. Once he cheats, he's out of my life for good! Now it happened. What do I do? Forgive him, move on and find someone else as time goes? Iminyaka iyahamba ke phofu, I used to see future between us. But now what do i do, now that he went and do something like this to me? Oh, BTW athi we were fighting that time when he went and sleep with this girl(boys will always be boys "you pushed me into doing this"????) *shaking my head in disgust* I dont know if im hurt about this and furious the way i should be but im up now, its 01:05 i cant sleep. I cried but kancinci wethu. Strange? Dunno!!!!

But now the thing is I also cheated on him last year, I did not sleep with the guy, we kissed only. We were outside my place in his car, he wanted to come in(i also wanted him to but I fought against this thought so badly!). Then he wanted us to go to his place(I couldnt either,fought against this so much too as tempting as it was!). I guess I was thinking about man all this time I was fighting against this all.

Now i dont know whether to tell man about this kiss or keep it and take it to the grave with me?
Are we even with man?
Am I allowed/suppose to be angry with man?
Since I always told myself that if man would do such to me, I'm breaking up with no matter what, can I still leave/break-up with man since I also "cheated" on him? What is cheating anyway, sleeping with someone else, kissing someone else or just clean fun flirting - are those 3 under the heading CHEATING?

31 Comments

SistaBB
02 Mar 2010 08:44

2 can play that game...

Savanah Dry
02 Mar 2010 09:10

Why risk yourself if yr man can go out there and sleep with a stranger without protection for me he is history still want to Live my life....

Segololo
02 Mar 2010 09:12

Tjo!

I have no idea what to say...

Let me try - Errr... you kissed someone, he bonked someone with no protection

Err, did you risk contracting some serious illness like HIV while kissing? Could he have contracted the dreded HIV with pespiring over some random girl with no protection?
both of you must go for HIV tests and counselling. be brutally honest at the counselling. He needs to give you details. yes, it matters!

felfel
02 Mar 2010 10:14

I view cheating as disrespecting/dishonouring ur relationship by entertaining someone else sexualy/intimately. If u think u fall under that description from wat u did then yes u cheated too.
U have absolutely no business entertaining/kissing/bonking other men while u consider urself to be in a relationship, therefore u dishonoured ur relationship just as ur partner did. U both clearly don't respect wat u have with each other, and are allowing outside forces into ur relationship.
Neither of u are right about wat u did, irrespective of ur reasons. So u must both suffer the consequnces. Did he tell u he cheated or did u find out? If he told u, why do u think he told u? so u can set him free by dumping him? or was he being open with u? If u both practise opennes (i wont say honesty cos u both lack that) in ur relationship then u shud also tell him wat u did and let him decide wat he wants to do with that info. Otherwise u guys are doomed, since u view ur actions as being even with his anyway.

GML
02 Mar 2010 10:22

1stly

He put your life in danger and was very inconsiderate for that. If he can risk your life like that then what kind of a man is he? A man is supposed to be a protector and he did not protect you like he should have.

If he can do this to you he can do anything to you. If he can afford to expose you to HIV he can surely afford to expose you to worse things.

All I can say is he was not thinking about you when he slept with you without protection and even lying about it. He was thinking about himself and satisfying his hunger.

How can you trust him to be honest next time he does that? He wont tell you if he cheated again because he knows that the chances of you forgiving him again are slim.

He was selfish and sacrificed you a a 5 minute pleasure. According to him you are worth 5minutes (however long a round with him takes).

As far as kissing is concerned, This is nothing compared to what he did. And if you tell him he will use it against you. He will/might say how can I trust that you really didnt sleep with the guy etc.

Don't tell him. You need to kick him to the nearest hell for putting your life in danger like that. how can you even trust that he went for HIV TESTS? Did he show you proof that he did?

sponono
02 Mar 2010 10:35

dump him coz he's stuuuuuuupid for teling you in the first place....big boys dont shag and tell.especially if its a stranger they are not seeing..rule is..you shag use protection and pray you dont get caught....what a wanker...nx...

as for you...you sound ike a lovely girl who got kissed but didnt "go all the way"...so forgive yourself, move on..(next time you kiss someone -if it feels like you're cheating...yo mite as well go all the way and F*CK him tll the morning...so that if you get caught..uzokhulumela into oyaziyo.coz rite now you feeling guilty for a lousy kiss and some groping..whereas your man has an unforgatable nyama-to-nyama f*ck with a random chick...so memorable that he HAD to tell you..nx...forget about this guy.)

baby e
02 Mar 2010 10:37

zimdola
02 Mar 2010 10:54

both of you must go for HIV tests and counselling. be brutally honest at the counselling. He needs to give you details. yes, it matters!
- Thank you Segololo, so this means i should also tell him about the kiss?

felfel
Did he tell u he cheated or did u find out?
- He told me without me finding out, well athi he was felling guilty about it

If he told u, why do u think he told u? so u can set him free by dumping him? or was he being open with u? If u both practise opennes (i wont say honesty cos u both lack that) in ur relationship then u shud also tell him wat u did and let him decide wat he wants to do with that info.
- Well, we used to be open about everything which is anything

Otherwise u guys are doomed, since u view ur actions as being even with his anyway.
LOL, i was expecting this from you guys. I will just swallow the painful words :-)

Tshilo
02 Mar 2010 11:02

eish im not alone i have a simalar story mine its even worse coz dez a baby involve.banna

Sana Lwam
02 Mar 2010 11:06

Dont tell him about the kiss thats all I can say. If you are still gonna be with him just use a condom becoz he mught not have even done the HIV test.

zimdola
02 Mar 2010 11:09

Don't tell him. You need to kick him to the nearest hell for putting your life in danger like that. how can you even trust that he went for HIV TESTS? Did he show you proof that he did?
- I am not sure GML and I dont know if he really did but in his family there is Doctor so athi he asked his brother to do it for him.

LMAO sponono
next time you kiss someone -if it feels like you're cheating...yo mite as well go all the way and F*CK him tll the morning...so that if you get caught..uzokhulumela into oyaziyo.coz rite now you feeling guilty for a lousy kiss and some groping
- I will do this with no regret or sense of feeling like I'm cheating next time since I'll be single soon, LOL

Sslave
02 Mar 2010 11:16

This is what a friend blogger asked me to do for her, post this article for her. I hope she responds to all the questions and I will make sure she does.

Reply from: zimdola 3/2/2010 4:54:52 PM

both of you must go for HIV tests and counselling. be brutally honest at the counselling. He needs to give you details. yes, it matters!
- Thank you Segololo, so this means i should also tell him about the kiss?

?????? I'm confusedo

zimdola
02 Mar 2010 11:19

eish im not alone i have a simalar story mine its even worse coz dez a baby involve.banna
- Eish Tshilo I'm so sorry but what did you do? Are you still together with him?

If you are still gonna be with him just use a condom becoz he mught not have even done the HIV test.
- Too late Sana Lwam he slept with this random girl September, December we were together and we didnt use protection(and before anything happened I asked him if we still trust each other and his reply was a big fat yes. I could be infected already by now

cleve
02 Mar 2010 11:26

I say tell him ZIm, let him know. he has done the same for you and he gave you a choice. Give him a choice aswell............. Then both of you can move forwad

Tshilo
02 Mar 2010 11:26

@Zimdola yes im still with him.its so complicated.

blaqueboi
02 Mar 2010 11:36

It always irks me when girls moan about their boyfriends putting them in danger by not using condoms. Whose responsibility is it to protect your life, his? If you not gonna insist on using protection dont blame him for infecting you with HIV. Own up to your folly... women!!!

What is cheating anyway?

well as Dr Phil would put it .... cheating is when you do something with someone else that you wouldnt do if your partner was there watching

Msoe
02 Mar 2010 11:48

Zimdola, is it your FRIEND unswering questions or is it you?

GML
02 Mar 2010 12:16

Thank you Blaq:

However, I feel if 2 people take a conscious decision to stop using protection then they are both accountable to each other if the decision was taken by both parties present.

Yes, she could have insisted that they use a condom but based on the decision taken back then circumstances are different. Remember that even married couples still infect each other because they were married and had to put the condoms aside.

I think that the safest bet is to let this man go. He clearly thinks very little of you, so much so that he would "infect" you and not think twice about it

poshspice
02 Mar 2010 12:30

amen spo you don't kiss/shag and tell,getting the trust back is very difficult, my view is what you do not know won't hurt you!!! Take your secrets to the grave to protect the ones you love who won't understand that sometimes human beings do things for silly reasons-curiousity,fun, to experiment and it really does not mean anything else besides that Eish my dear, take all the comments into consideration, you know your man and relationship better than all of us... Am too analytical and suspicious of people's intentions, so my first question is also why did he tell you? Did he want you to break up with him or he is an honest person who can't really keep secrets, like I said, you know him better Has his behaviour changes or still the same? Maybe it really did not mean anything> Think of the same reasons you allowed that guy to kiss you and how much you wanted him to shag you but you still loved your boyfriend, maybe it is the same with him, I don't think you should tell him abt the kiss...let him think of you-highly,don't ruin your reputation to him, let him think he does not deserve and whatever happen to the two pof you,his view of you must always be positive..

Msoe
02 Mar 2010 12:34

@Zimdola: I feel sorry for you and I know what you are going through. I have been there thou I can tell you that only you know what the real situation is in your relationship. Im not going to tell you that you should LEAVE this man. Only you know what you need to do, either for yourself or for any other reason that you might come up with. All I can say is leave him when you are ready because we can talk till the cows comes home but you will end up not leaving him and you know why? Because you still love him, you still love him enough to write a blog and ask our opinion on the matter.

I would have sayed bigs up to you if you were writting a blog saying 'gals I have dumped my man because he cheated on me' and so on. But its is not so, you want our opinion because you are hoping some of the bloggers will tell you not to leave him to convince yourself that the decision (that you have already taken of not leaving him) is the right one. I know its comforts you but it MIGHT not be good for you in the long run and on the other hand it might be good because maybe your boyfriend is really trying to mend things between you too. Also only you know what you need to do because only you and your boyfriend are a part of this relationship not us bloggers who dont know the whole story.

poshspice
02 Mar 2010 12:37

oops typos, meant, has his behavior changed and let him think he does not deserve you

Holiday
02 Mar 2010 12:45

@Zim i dont know y u stressing re: read ur statement again I've always told myself that I will not let a man get away with cheating. Once he cheats, he's out of my life for good!. here is ur answer.

Best-Achiever
02 Mar 2010 12:54

Zim ... you say you have or had an open relationship with this man, so i take it he also knew that if he cheats you gonna be out of his life as this is one of you principles .. this simple deduce(hehehe, im reminded of my Stats lecturer) that, he didnt have the balls to break up with you and instead broke one of your core principles so you CAN BREAK UP WITH HIM ......

yo know mos some guys still believe that it is bad luck for a woman if a man breaks up with her ... that is his polite way to tell you ... read between the lines, even grey shades are readable

baby e
02 Mar 2010 13:47

@ BA well put well put

zimdola
02 Mar 2010 15:13

poshspice
- I know that i still love him but as to forgiving him, i dont know. I needed details from him but he didnt tell me, said it doesnt really matter. All i could get from him was that he loves me and wants to be with me.

Also only you know what you need to do because only you and your boyfriend are a part of this relationship not us bloggers who dont know the whole story.
- You are right Msoe but im just confused at this point hebce i asked what would you bloggers do

Holiday
- easier said than done

zimdola
02 Mar 2010 15:28

Thank you GML we made a decision years back that we not using protection anymore so I am not saying this is putting my life in danger. Besides it would have been rather strange to ask him to use protection all of a sudden hence i opted on asking him if we are still faithful to one another

Thank you bloggers. Have a fantastic evening :-)

poshspice
02 Mar 2010 16:25

I find those people who've never been cheated on and have never faced testing challenges in relatioships involving a third party find it easy to say people must leave their partners, life is not about quiting all the time, sometimes you work through -problems, remember she also kissed another man before even knowing about this secret and was horny for another man, how would her man feel abt that, zimD my dear just assess his behaviour now and if he is still commited to you, do the hiv test again. GML and BA if you find out that your men have been cheating all along despite the commitment they've shown you and they are still commited to you or just had this one night stand, would you up and leave?

Best-Achiever
03 Mar 2010 08:19

@poshspice ... where did i say that she must up and leave?

Strolicious
03 Mar 2010 11:34

ddnt u say u were posting the 4 ur frnd?

GML
03 Mar 2010 11:40

@Poshspice:

It's ok to stay and work things out. I have been "cheated" on and I know what I'm talking about. I would definately up and leave. He clearly does not care about my well-being. He voluntarily put her life in danger by continuing to sleep with her even after she gave him a chance to come clean.
Better a man who refuses to even touch you, or better a man who stays out all night just to avoid sleeping with her. At least that man is not intentionally sleeping with her. By no means am I saying those men are better but I'm saying they are avoiding sleeping with you minimising the risk. Avoiding sexual contact all together.

What if he had been positive? Would he have passed on the opportunity to get in the sack? Would he have been honest with her then? We dont know, but he probably wouldnt have. He would have slept with her regardless.

so should she stay with an AIDS?HIV infested man?

Tshilo
03 Mar 2010 12:09

@Poshspice,i get what u saying clearly,leaving the relationship does not solve the problem coz u dont chose who to love.u also dont have gaurantee that ur going to find a man who wont cheat u.Most man cheat i think Zimdola is lucky coz she knows what she is dealing with unlike most of u.I have benn in such a horrible exprience and believe u me im still with him and we growing stronger everyday.

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