x close

SOUTH AFRICA'S TV WEBSITE

SOUTH AFRICA'S TV WEBSITE

ACTORS | ARTICLES | CASTINGS | SHOWS | TEASERS

Ukuvuma- umembeso

Written by GML from the blog Curious Cases on 31 Aug 2009
Favourite this post

I find myself in a conflicting situation. My hubby is Tswana and i am Zulu speaking. My understanding is that the Tswana's do not do any of the cultural things associated to weddings like the Zulu's do.

I say this because my mother is insisting on Umembeso, something that the Tswana's dont do (well hubby's family doesnt). I have no problem with it as it is a joyous event that brings both families together. However, my mother keeps insisting that it is not as expensive to do umembeso as hubby makes it out to be and that they wont ask for a lot of things. On the other hand she tells me that we (hubby and i) mustnt buy cheap things for umembeso. i understand why she wants umembeso and I also understand hubby's frustrations about this whole thing.

umembeso is a traditional ceremony where the Groom's family buys gifts for the brides family. This is done after the ukuvuma ceremony before the wedding.

Ukuvuma is to welcome the groom to the brides family by slaughtering a sheep. Most cultures do this. In sotho it's referred to as hohlbisa mahadi- I stand corrected

I would really love for these things to happen in an organised manner and be fun without anyone complaining. This is totally impossible as we all know the drama associated with weddings. I want to wear my Zulu beaded outfits.

My hubby's family have not asked for umabo because they do not practice it.

Umambo is a ceremony in which the brides family buys gifts for the groom's family. this is normally done after the wedding on the Sunday at the Grooms home.

I have no problems with any cultural things as long as they are not ridiculously unreasonable in terms of cost and other things. They are meant to be fun with the intention of bringing the 2 families together. Hubby has issues with these because the cost falls on him to buy the stuff for umembeso and also pay for the ceremony happening at his home for welcoming the bride.

Let's talk about this.

Have you experienced this or any other wedding related traditional ceremonies?
What ceremonies did you have to have
Have you been to someone's traditional ceremony and what happened there?
What items were/are on the umembeso list?
What happens on the actual day?
Is umembeso and ukuvuma on the same day- can they be done on the same day for cost purposes?

What culture are you and what ceremonies do you practice in your culture?

Lets talk.

29 Comments

GML
31 Aug 2009 13:39

Lets talk about this. I would love to hear from Tswana speaking people about their procedures etc

FK
31 Aug 2009 13:47

GML - I am a motswana and this is what happened recently when my sister was got married.

After they finished paying lobola, a date was set aside to tlhabisa. When the groom's family came for this, they brought us gifts, from blankets, to pillows and dishoeshoe.

Then there was a wedding ceremony (both families) contributed to this.

After the ceremony, we had to take my sister to her inlaws and we had gifts for them. Same as above. And that was it.

Tash 1
31 Aug 2009 13:48

Eager to know too. Mabloggers bring it on.

baby e
31 Aug 2009 13:48

i am a tswana but there are different tribes doing their different things. like where the groom is supposed to dress the whole family including the uncles with brand new clothes (this mostly happen in North part of Botswana) and southern we dont practice that and mind you we have resorted to having the wedding celebrated onces in North (that is if the bride is from North) because it too much expenses.

we have the following celebrations or the wedding is planned as follows:
- Mafoko / patlo - where the grooms family come and inform that our their son's interest in marrying the bride to be. they discuss the lobola advise on their culture set dates for other things
- Lobola the dikgomo or the mali are brought and their is celebrations
- Go isiwa mosadi, taken to your new home withhout your mother. i hate this part, i just dont understand why its that way.
this is excluding the white wedding........

GML
31 Aug 2009 13:50

@FK:

Do the Tswana's do that? Have the makoti buy gifts for them. My hubby says they dont. My mother would have loved for this to happen. What was on your family's list of gifts? What did the groom's family ask for, adn how many people did you buy buy gifts for?

FK
31 Aug 2009 13:52

BTW, please note that some batswana's might not go this route. Ours had an element of christianity as well. So there was no "go bega ko badimong".

GML
31 Aug 2009 13:53

@baby e: In the Zulu culture my mom is not allowed to go to my in laws. I hate this because I want my mom there for everything. Are there any gifts taken o the groom's family? What does the makoti take with to her new family?

lady gaga
31 Aug 2009 14:02

sorry GML, im still a baby when it comes to this kind of things i dnt understand a thing, but anyway hope amabloggers give u what u want.........ALL THE BEST!

even some of us are benefitting from this!!!!

FK
31 Aug 2009 14:03

@GML - we were told that our Tswana tribe does not have any culture so both families agreed on exchanging gifts. It was 12 people from each family.

Grooms father - received, moseme, blanket, pillow, vas skottel (sekotlolo sa go tlhapa), plate, cup and saucer
Grooms mother - moseme, blanket, pillow, seshoeshoe, doek and dinner set
Grooms siblings - (boys) blanket, and a shirt
Grooms siblings - (girls) blanket and seshoeshoe
Grooms grandparents - moseme, blanket, pillow, seshoeshoe and doek for grandma
Grooms aunts - Blanket, seshoeshoe and doek
Groom - Moseme, blanket, pillow, vas skottel (sekotlolo sa go tlhapa), plate, cup and saucer

GML
31 Aug 2009 14:07

I hear that a 3 leg pot is bought for the mother in law. How true is that?

Best-Achiever
31 Aug 2009 14:07

i dont know what happens on othertribes, i only know what happens in Zulu and yeah it is a long processes and expensive

baby e
31 Aug 2009 14:16

when the makoti is taken to her new home, its her father's side responsibilty to dress her. but there is the part where there are blankets and the married women go in a straight line with the bride, carrying white baskets on their hands to the makoti new home. i tell you i love the traditional wedding but hate the politics. the uncles can just spoil it for the bride.

FK
31 Aug 2009 14:17

oh, how can I forget to share with you that my sister married into a Niger family. Nigerians don't do these whole lot of things. They also don't give lobola. But they had to follow what the bride's family practice.

On their side, they just bring whatever (bride price) when they come to ask for the girl's hand in marriage. So during negotiations, both families agreed to go this route. The nigers wanted to experiment our "culture".

One thing I liked was the money spraying on the wedding day.

So GML, usually, the bride's culture is followed and both families have to agree to a way that will suite both families. Good Luck. Ask abogogo

GML
31 Aug 2009 14:18

@BA: what comes first. Ukuvuma or umembeso?

Best-Achiever
31 Aug 2009 14:31

Ukuvuma - is done after all the lobola has been payed, it is done by the bride's family.You go to groom's family with all sort of gift to accept that the groom's family is now your inlaws. As faras i know..the gifts in here are just nje, no one tells you what to but, as a results it is normal, di fruits nama veg, ne home grocery and when you come to do this, the groom's family use this to cook for izintombi and slaughter something for them

then Umembeso/izibizo is paid by groom's family ... they buy all the stuffs that the bride's family have requested. On the same day of umembeso there is also umkhehlo where umkhongi dresed umakoti just the way they'd like her to wear when eseshadile

Then comes the wedding

and then Umabo after wedding where the bride buy all sort of gifts that the groom's family have requested

Best-Achiever
31 Aug 2009 14:32

Tshd21
31 Aug 2009 14:34

In my family (Ke motswana BTW)

1. Patlo/go baa letlhoka. The groom's family comes to the bride's to tell them that their son is interested in marrying their child. They discuss the price tag for lobola and set the date.

2. Lobola. They come with gifts for the bride (traditional wear included, they also dress you on the day. EG. If the groom is Zulu, they dress you Zulu traditional wear to show that you are now a Zulu makoti) and her parents(Tswana tradition).

3. Serwalo. ) The bride's family goes to the groom's to thank them for the lobola, with gifts for them.

4. White wedding.

5. Go isa ngwetsi. They take the makoti to her new home where she is going to kotisa for a few days and then go to her own house, or whereever she will be living, as discussed with hubby.

Hope this helps GML. But like one blogger said, most families differ even though they are all Tswanas...

GML
31 Aug 2009 14:40

@tshd21: what happens when they take me to hubby's home?

With the Zulu's the makoti goes to hubby's home at night. And I hear i will be taken there during the day with blankets and all (i hope i dont die of heat).

Tshd21
31 Aug 2009 14:48

I'ts basically just for the groom's family to welcome their new daughter-in-law. You stay there for a few days and they teach you how things are done in your new family. And then you go and stay with your husband.

What happens in other Tswana families is on lobola day, the bride wears her family's traditional clothes. But when they officially take her to the in-laws, she wears their tradition.

Sips
31 Aug 2009 14:59

I also don't really know what happens in other tribes coz i'm Xhosa but what i can tell you is that in all tribes it just turns to be such a drama, and as usual you & your hubby don't really have much of a say even though its your wedding - the families turn to take the centre stage....But i think it'll be quite good to do umembeso and also something for hubby's family - with us (AmaMfengu tribe) the bride's family buy gifts for the bride & groom from the lobola money. The gift's are not the family's but for umakoti & hubby...Good luck sisi

mholy
04 May 2010 19:43

Zulugirl1
08 Dec 2010 16:33

Well! I'm a Zulu speaking lady with a Pedi speaking man and we also have the same problem but i think now he getting to understand this practice because i printed a book from the internet about this and we both went through it because some of the things i didn't understand fully as i'm a city girl.I remember i even had trouble to get him to pay ilobola he said that " my family is selling me" but after i tought him what it for now he understand and i als heard him teaching one of his nephew.

reba0ne
05 Mar 2012 11:31

Morning guys, I am a motswana and next month will be paying lobola for me, how long does it take after lobola for serwalo? n is it possible to do it immediatley after lobola......HELP PLEASE

Cnglemother
05 Mar 2012 13:56

thusang hle!

Chumak
16 Mar 2012 23:34

Hi Everyone, I decided to google on my confusion about my upcoming lobola to a Tswana lady, Iam Hlubi/Xhosa and my culture is as follows: A letter is sent to the bride to be's family to tell them that their son has seen their daughter and would like a hand in marriage. They request a date for lobola and the brides family responds with the date confirmation.

On the set date my dad sends a delegation for negotiations and payment of the lobola. After full payment of the lobola a date is agreed of ukuvunya kwaba khwenyana, the brides family gives us a sheep to slaughter at the brides place and then the rest of the grooms family arrives and the families meet an then we have fun. A date is set for the white wedding then there after the bride is brought to the grooms family where the grooms family will have a traditional wedding to welcome u Makoti and this is when u Mambeso nokuyala is done>

We were told that according to the Tswana culture my parents have to meet with her parents to discuss Lobola and culture and my dad refused as parents only meet after successful lobola negotiations and payment thereof. A compromise was reached to send relatives for discussions, the lobola amount and date were agreed. My Bride to be's family wants to slaughter on the day of the lobola not sure what this is for as neither myself nor my family are involved at this stage .

I'm lost NCEDANI!!!!!!

khlubi
16 Mar 2012 23:52

I need to know from all AmaHlubi clan what is done as ukuvuywa kwabakhwenyana and umembeso.The whole procedure in preparation for a Hlubi wedding without coping Zulu or Xhosa Sotho practices. Let's just be original and have a brand if we can.

VusiK
18 Mar 2012 14:34

I suggest you take a weekend and drive down to the Mooiriver area and consult the Hlubi elders regarding what is required. I go and get at least three opinions regarding processes whenever I am confronted with questions such as the one you are asking. Tradition is actually more dynamic than most people think, and evolves continually (like language)... so there is no pure tradition that is unique to a peoples' identity, (as expressed by the reality that you are about to merge traditions with another culture... your culture will amalgamate with that of your spouse... and consequently, so will its practice) ... You may be setting yourself up for failure if your approach is rigidly Hlubi, all these nations coexisted for a long time until an event happened that excluded or incorporated another, ... in the Hlubi case, it is very well documented, and to your benefit, there is still a very large concentration of Hlubis in a single locale (the Drakensberg foothills as far north as Vryheid & as far south as Northof Grey(town/ greyville) ... or you can just ask Duma Ndlovu (owner of Muvhango) ... He is a Hlubi and avid historical student... You cancontacthim via the Muvhango website... (Sorry, even though I have his number, I respect his privacy) ... Good luck !!!

VusiK
18 Mar 2012 20:04

Sorry ...Duma is from Bergville.

maseeco
01 Nov 2012 11:08

mpumza

morning guyz

.pls help me out .m getting married in 2 months and my hubby is Tswana .he would like to do things in a right way ,well he says in his culture they dont do umembeso ,but is willing to do right by my family ,know the Question is ,

1.who are the people that much get umembeso and what should be bought for who ?
2.Should their list come with requirements (thing that we shld buy )or just names of People that we (the brides family ) need to buy for ?

pls help out ...

Only TVSA members can reply to this thread. Click here to login or register.